2 Minute Guide to Getting a Grip & Reclaiming That Thing Called Your Life
If you clicked on this post, you either:
a) Need to get a grip.
b) Want to reclaim your life.
c) Have no time to do either.
d) Googled “mating habits of porcupines” and this just came up.
e) You read everything I write because you’re secretly plotting my demise.
With the exception of letter E, I completely understand. However, if you are plotting my demise, can you just promise it won’t include cinder blocks and large bodies of water? Because that’s just cruel.
Permanently On-Call
Do you ever feel like you exist for the sole purpose of fulfilling everyone else’s needs except your own? Between friends, co-workers, bosses, parents, siblings, children and the slightly kooky dental assistant who keeps trying to convince you to go out with her son as she scrapes plaque off of your molar, your time is constantly in demand.
Or how about being on call for the entire world? Between phone calls, text messages, Facebook, Twitter, Skype and email, the entire world can essentially reach you anytime, anyplace, and furthermore expects to be able to get ahold of you at any time, any place. Worse, we feel obligated to respond.
At times, I worry that if I see my Blackberry flash red one more time, I’ll be forced to do something I might regret later, which may or may not involve the throwing and subsequent smashing of said Blackberry. Note to self: Disable flashing red light ASAP to avoid giving some unlucky bystander an undeserved concussion one of these days. Unless, of course, that bystander happens to be the person who performed a solid hit and run job on my car the other day. In that case, may all technology fly haphazardly and with brute force.
The Neverending Game We Play
The truth of the matter is that at times, we secretly resent the expectations that are placed upon us. We give and we give and we give, we run and we run and we run, and even when we feel like we can’t anymore, we continue. We continue because we’ve always continued, and continuing is all we know how to do. We continue because we feel like we have to continue, or the world will fall apart around us. And we continue because we fear that if we don’t, we might be a bad friend/employee/spouse/parent/fill-in-the-blank.
So rather than take that risk, we dole out, hand over & ante up (and up and up) until all that is left is a weary, threadbare silhouette of ourselves. At the end of the day, too often a mere shadow of ourselves is all that we’re left with; there simply isn’t time to replenish what we’ve divvied out in an attempt to make ourselves whole again.
And we get exhausted. And burnt out. And cranky. And throw Blackberries.
And while the resulting perpetual under eye circles are no big deal thanks to the 8th wonder of the world otherwise known as concealer, being in a never ending state of whirlwind is more harmful than it may seem.
It’s pretty difficult to fulfill ourselves when we’re too busy fulfilling everyone else. But here’s news:
SELF-FULFILLMENT IS IMPORTANT.
Taking time out for ourselves is not something we should feel guilty for. It doesn’t mean we’re lazy. It doesn’t mean we don’t care about our work, our friends, our family or anyone else who needs something from us.
It’s necessary, like eating and sleeping and drinking water. And you don’t feel guilty for taking time to eat or sleep or drink water, do you?
In American culture, constant productivity is one of our greatest values. Coincidentally, another one of our greatest values is money. Higher productivity usually translates into greater monetary reward; what higher productivity does not usually translate into is greater personal reward. Mind the gap–one does exist.
Solution?
It’s common to hear “Do less,” but I’m going to take it a step further and risk sounding like an insensitive jerk by saying, “Care less,” which I say with the best of intentions.
Perhaps it can be better stated as, “Care less about things that aren’t as important as your health & well-being,” in which case, there shouldn’t be much to debate.
We have this nagging tendency to look at our lives through the lens of a microscope, closely fretting over every day-to-day detail.
However, in the big picture, many of the things we spend great amounts of energy worrying about are largely irrelevant. The big picture is everything. What’s truly important here? What things will matter in 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road? We’ve all heard that before, but do we actually take the advice?
Worry about those things first; everything else is secondary.
It’s a good idea to start asking ourselves these questions and being more proactive in our quest for self-fulfillment. If you’re not on a quest for self-fulfillment, then this will, at the very least, help you not become a great big, giant, grimacing grump. The situations we’re in are, to a large degree, a reflection of the collection of choices we’ve made over a period of time. When making decisions, try to start thinking on a broader scale. The big question is:
What’s truly important versus what just seems important now?
That said, if you really are plotting my demise, I hope you’ll take that question into consideration. Offing me in order to never have to listen to me wax on about personal development topics ever again may seem important now, but later when Booth & Brennan find my killer, it wouldn’t be so important compared to having to spend the rest of your life in prison. See what I mean?
On the other hand, if you were here by googling the “mating habits of porcupines,” there are others far more qualified to speak on topics of personal development. Find them. Now.
For the rest of you, go on. Get a grip. Your life is yours. Act like it.
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NB788VP5G32W <–Ignore that. Techy bloggy stuff.
From the middle finger project, post 2 Minute Guide to Getting a Grip & Reclaiming That Thing Called Your Life
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Filed Under: Life Inspiration
About the Author: Ashley Ambirge is the sarcastic, brash, hot-sauce-addicted founder of The Middle Finger Project, where she gives the evil eye to mediocrity, fervently questions societal assumptions, and aims to inspire readers to flip a cordial bird to the shoulds, and live how they want.
Whiskey shots strictly optional.
Ok first I really like the Booth and Brennan reference.
Next, I'm a big fan of the whole asking yourself if something is truly important idea. 10 years is my preferred range. “Will this really matter in 10 years?” has created a lot of freedom in my life.
Health and happiness do come first. It's just so easy for me to forget that I have to keep up my routines to stay healthy and happy. I'll get to a point where I feel great, vibrant, alive. Then I think “I have so much to give!” And I give and give. But I forgot that the reason I could give so much was because I was taking care of myself. Oh, my.
Love it. I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms from lack of new content. You know one of the most amazing things about taking time for yourself is that you worry about what you might be missing. God Forbid you miss one email, one tweet, etc. I found that I”ll get out of the water and I”ll check email only to discover that not a single crisis has occurred that needs my immediate attention. In fact, sometimes I think, “shi#$, why did I even get out of the water. I should have just stayed longer.” It's amazing how much importance we give to things that don't really matter in the long term picture.
Get out of my head, ASH!!!! Haha. Seriously, though, this post is so timely.
My question lies on the other end of the argument though. How do you take care of yourself when you can't figure out how to get your needs met? I'm a thinker (read: ridiculously compulsive over thinker) and I haven't found a solution to this. Most of the people who call on my time over and over and over again are people who are trying desperately to get their needs met so they can take care of themselves.
I have no problem acknowledging that it is not my responsibility to carry other people, but I'd like to point them in the right direction to being able to carry themselves.
TMF is now #6 on a Google search of “mating habits of porcupines”. That's only when wrapped in quotes, but still, not bad.
Mating habits of the lesser know stream dwelling hedgehog actually
Once again you are reading my mind. This post couldn't have come at a better time, Ash. I can't get into the details quite yet, but life is about to change and for the betta! I also love the Booth and Brennan reference! Thank you for being psychic!
Damn you for so succinctly summarizing in a couple of neat paragraphs what I've been trying to elucidate for months!
Brilliant stuff. Well done.
Matt
I'm with everyone else so far. Perfect timing, I literally just had this feeling about a phone call I got 2 seconds before I bounced over to this site. Miss Cleo better watch out, there's a better psychic on the loose. *insert weird wooshes and ooohs*
Sounds to me like you aren't opposed to helping out someone else on their quest to happiness, but may think too many people think YOU hold the answer to THEIR happiness. One or two people with this ideal are ok and easy to work with, but when you start adding more and more people, it can become very stressful. I understand totally where you are coming from, we all have difficulty with saying no to everyone, even if it is some of the time.
Ash-b-dash:
Coolio. It is hard to save the world when you don't even have your house in order. The cool thing is that the more you engage in self fulfilling behavior, the more time and desire you have to actually help others. Life is neat like that.
And,
1. Sorry about the hit and run. I know that sucks.
2. Anyone plotting your demise will have to answer to ME. Seriously. I'm curious about what folks have come up with.
3. Can't fathom the porcupine mating thing. I'm sure there's more pricks than a drunken rodeo.
Snuggles,
George
Hey Ashley..
Well, I'm Ashley too. Does the word “actually” ever bother you?
Anyways, I think your posts are great and so i wanted to give you a shout out. If you ever wanna check out my blog in support of Ashley's around the world (yes, i am awkward) then uh, ya know, check it out. It's small now and I'm just starting out so I can use all the support I can get.
Ashley
wildmockingbirdgirl.wordpress.com
@Nate
I agree. Using that phrase to guide in the decision-making process has definitely helped me to think more clearly and make the choices that make the most sense for me, long term.
And Booth & Brennan? Will they just hook up already?!?!
@Eric
I think I've been guilty of the same thing in the past. :p It's easy to give, because it feels good to make others happy…but man, we've gotta watch ourselves, because we have a tendency to forget about ourselves in the whole process. And then NOTHING will feel good if we're physically & emotionally drained, right?
@Srini
I remember having that happen in college–always struggling to attend everything, go everywhere in fear that I would miss something. It's almost an overachievers symptom.
Lately I've been allowing myself to sleep in longer than I normally would, because I'm experimenting with giving myself more cognitive rest & see how everything else falls into place. Before, I would have been over anxious, trying to wake up at the crack of dawn to get the ball rolling–even when I knew I was exhausted. Sometimes that's a good thing, but only to a point.
….withdrawal symptoms…..*chuckle*
@Andi
I think that a big part of figuring out how to get your needs met is allowing yourself the time to do so. I had written about this before–finding fulfillment & the path that is most likely to make us happy is pretty damn hard to find when we're constantly wrapped up in activity after activity after activity. You totally ARE a thinker–but maybe the thinking needs to be done in a new environment, where the computer isn't involved, and nor are others & their needs. Time to think about Andi's needs? I seriously think this is something we should all start scheduling into our lives.
@Brian W.
This makes me deliriously happy! HA HA HA. Thanks for pointing that out. Love it.
@Jonny
I knew that's how you found this post. Worst, you probably found my blog in the first place by Googling, “How British people can convince Thai people to mate with them when they have no shot.” Hahahah. :p
Just kidding, hubby. I'm sure you macked it just fine.
@Kathy
Hey–I'm just happy to hear that changes are being made and you sound so excited about them! I can only hope those changes are what I think they are, based on our discussions in the past. Keep on rockin' out, Kathy! Nothing but support on my end.
@Matt / How to Get a Grip
Checked you out–glad to connect. I'll be following along!
Your whole website is dedicated to getting a grip – love it! These days, it's becoming more and more important, right?
@TJ the Bartender
LOL! I think it's because I write about topics because I've found myself thinking about them; turns out, we're all just human and I've been able to communicate some of the shared experience. And I couldn't be more thrilled that that's the case.
@George
Does this mean I need to organize my house? Because frankly, I'm scattered & messy and I completely like to think that the reason is because I'm a “creative.” Ha. If I can even call myself that. But we're totally calling myself that just so I can have an excuse to have my books in all sorts of random piles & not care.
1. Hit and runs test my temper. I'll admit.
2. There are probably lots of people plotting my demise. I'm okay with that as long as they don't make it past the plotting stage. Ha.
3. More pricks than a drunken rodeo. Best. Line. Ever. I think I'm going to have to eventually make a collection of “George Angus' best one liners that appear on this site,” because I swear I'd have enough material to make a whole other site. Ha, thank you for always making me smile!!!
@Ashley
So funny–growing up throughout school, anytime my teacher used to say the word “actually,” I'd freak because I was usually passing a note to someone (they tell me that kids don't pass notes anymore, but that's pretty much ALL we did) and thought I was caught. Turns out, they were just saying, “actually.” Haha!
Good for you for starting your blog & being proactive–especially at your age. You've got the entire world at your fingertips–take advantage! Good for you, girl. Keep on rockin' it.
Happy to connect.
I don't think anyone thinks I hold the key to their happiness. They may think I have some insight into self-realization, probably stemming from an obsession with overanalyzing everything…
I was referring more to the people who have trouble being with themselves without feeling the oppressive burden of isolation, so they lean on others. How does someone ask them to be alone, knowing that that is both the cause and the solution to the problem?
I can't tell someone how to find themselves or how to be comfortable being alone with themselves (hey, you're the only person you'll be around for the rest of your life, so it's probably a good place to start!) and I've had to slowly step away from long time friends because it became overwhelming. I don't expect to find an answer in the comments of Ashley's lovely blog, but I was curious how others have dealt with the same situation.
Did you just put me in a time out without my computer????
Pout. Walks away. Turns. Pouts. FINE!
I like your post. Some good ideas!
I always end up caring less about the whole thing anyways, at the end of the day, when my pressure levels reach the full line; so, why not caring less from the beginning?
It makes me sound like a selfish SB, though.
I needed this about a week ago – I seriously had to take some deep breaths and GET A GRIP
Great post, thanks!
[...] 2 Minute Guide to Getting a Grip & Reclaiming That Thing Called Your Life [...]
@gustrafo
Hey there! You made an interesting point here – I feel like if guilt were a person, it would be ruling the whole world. We act so much out of guilt, in spite of our own needs, that it's no wonder why so many of us suffer from physical, mental and emotional disorders. We feel guilty for taking time to tend to ourselves!
I think I'm officially declaring war on guilt. :p
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Gustavo!
@Maren
We all have GET A GRIP moments!!! I guess it's just those who actually do who come out on top, eh?
Thank you
“Want to reclaim your life” yes because i am so much involved in business and cut from personal life…or is it the thing happening with each IT people mainly associated with Search Market
[...] Ambirge from The Middle Finger Project wrote the 2 Minute Guide to Getting a Grip & Reclaiming That Thing Called Your Life. In this article Ashley suggest that we take time out for ourselves! She aims to inspire readers to [...]