33 MORE Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Lifestyle Designer – PART II
This is a continuation of an earlier post titled 33 Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Designer. You might want to read that one as well!
1. Your nickname in high school was “The Butcher;” not because of your uncanny ability to manhandle giant slabs of meat, but but because of your quick witted comebacks that verbally cut anyone to shreds who dare tried to impose their unsolicited opinion on why you should be going to school for something practical, like accounting, instead of what you wanted to study–art, philosophy, anthropology…the mating habits of bats. Knowing you, you wanted to study all four and then some. Okay. Maybe the bats were an exaggeration.
2. You’ve been known to watch TV and repeat everything said in an Italian accent.
3. You’ve got so many things going on, you can’t understand where the hell people get the time to build a freaking imaginary Facebook farm, or why, for that matter, this would ever be appealing in the first place. You damn well know you wouldn’t want a real farm; why would you want a fake one that can’t even provide milk, eggs and a pleasant aroma on a daily basis? Subconscious longing to escape the rat race, perhaps?
4. You don’t cry much–unless there is a death, or no WIFI.
5. You love people watching, and often make up complete life scenarios about the people you see. Since most of them are on their way to the office, you know you can’t be too far off track. Especially when it comes to romance; after spending 80 hours a week kissing someone else’s butt, who has the time, energy or saliva required to kiss anything else?
6. You lie awake in bed at night, your mind racing with all of the things you want to do, and how you can possibly accomplish them.
7. You always kinda wished Crocodile Dundee were your long-lost uncle. Especially so he could show you how to do that thing with the knife when being mugged in foreign countries.
8. You think “freedom from societal pressures” is just as valid and, apparently, as necessary as “freedom of religion,” and think it would make for a nice amendment to the constitution.
9. You can’t decide if plain white bed sheets fill you with zen, or fill you with boredom.
10. You would get amusement from pouring water in your hand, making a sneeze noise and then throwing water on the back of a person’s neck on an airplane. Then again, this might be more of a tell-tale sign that you’re an asshole. Either way.
11. At some point, you’ve considered how to hi-jack and better optimize the entire Avon sales operation.
12. Even though you think Hannah Montana is a little twip, you love the lyrics to her song “Life’s What You Make It:”
Things are looking up anytime you want
All you’ve got to do is realize that
It’s under your control
So let the good times rock n roll.
13. You’ve felt guilty about dedicating more time on a hobby that you love, instead of “important things” like balancing your checkbook. Wait, do people still do that?
14. Door-to-door let-me-impose-my-dogmatic-thought-on-you irritates you more than running out of Frank’s hot sauce (no? Just me?); you view prescriptivism as about as archaic as your granny’s girdle.
15. You giggle at those people that constantly ring the buzzer on an airplane for the flight attendant–didn’t they know to buy an obnoxiously large bottle of water, 4 packs of Twizzlers and the special edition, I-survived-the-Philadelphia-airport snuggie before boarding? Amateurs.
16. Most people, upon hearing the word “nomad” think “hunters & gatherers.” You think, “wireless & where’s-the-closest-place-I-can-buy-clean-underwear?”
17. In high school Geometry, you could never figure out the value of continually trying to prove the angles of a shape; shouldn’t we be trying to prove things that we don’t already know?
18. If you were to have a child, this seems like a feasible option:
19. Most people feel more liberated to have a new car; you, on the other hand, feel more trapped.
20. You wonder if you’re normal.
21. When playing Super Mario Brothers, you always wanted to find ways to warp to other worlds.
22. You think the most under-recognized most awesome place in the world is the library; within those walls lies all of the collective knowledge of the human race, to date, and if you just took the time to digest it, it has the power to make you indefinitely more superhero-esque. (Be sure not to skip Kierkegaard, Nietzsche and The Kama Sutra.)
23. You think there’s no such thing as a rebel without a cause.
24. There’s something about people with dreds that you admire.
25. You’d rather bathe in cold water, fending off cockroaches than work in a Coach, Louie Vuitton or Versace store. At least cockroaches don’t have thousands of dollars of surgically enhanced body parts that you’d rather see spent in better ways.
26. You’ve never been a big reader of directions. Viva la aventura!
27. You’d be willing to get paid in experiences. You might already.
28. You can think of 20 different things you can do with a sarong.
29. On more than one occasion, you’ve thought that if given the chance, you could have helped Bob Ross, that sexy animal, rise to new heights of success.
30. You ask the question that everyone was thinking but hesitated to ask.
31. You’ve have to wrestle a Dream Zapper (DZ) or two.
32. You’ve wrestled an alligator.
33. Just kidding–enough with the Crocodile Dundee references–I haven’t even wrestled an alligator. But I might.
What else might you do?
From the middle finger project, post 33 MORE Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Lifestyle Designer – PART II
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Filed Under: Humor • Lifestyle Design
About the Author: Ashley Ambirge is the sarcastic, brash, hot-sauce-addicted founder of The Middle Finger Project, where she gives the evil eye to mediocrity, fervently questions societal assumptions, and aims to inspire readers to flip a cordial bird to the shoulds, and live how they want.
Whiskey shots strictly optional.
