Thanksgiving has come and gone, or as I like to call it, the day I shove as many fistfuls of cranberry sauce as possible down my pants throat. In my defense, it’s like jelly you can eat with a spoon, you guys.
But now that Turkey Day is a thing of the past, it’s time to look forward. To Christmas. To Hanukkah. To Kwanzaa. To the New Year.
…And to the headaches, the binge drinking, and the borderline obscene amounts of stress that stem from trying to figure out how to keep your drunk Uncle George from kissing you on the lips after four too many Hot Toddies.
So this year? I’m gifting to you this quick little guide to help you handle the holidays. (Please picture it arriving on your doorstep in an inappropriately large box, wrapped in gold paper and adorned with a huge, shiny bow.)
Without further ado, BEHOLD.
The Top 10 Ways To Make
This Holiday Season Suck Less
1) Snort hot cocoa mix off the kitchen counter, and then loudly exclaim, “OH, YEAH. That’s the good stuff.”
Disclaimer: It’s totally not my fault if the mini marshmallows give you a sinus infection.
2) Eat whatever you want.
Want to slap four thick slices of sausage between two Ritz crackers, slather it in Funfetti frosting and wash it down with a jug of mulled wine? Let it happen. Because there’s only one time a year when it’s appropriate to eat chocolate shaped like a jolly fat man for breakfast, and that time is now.
3) Give really passive-aggressive gifts.
“I got you this gift certificate! IOU one person who gives a shit about your new beach house in Maui.”
4) Spike everything.
Your apple cider. Your eggnog. Volleyballs. Because if you’re going to be wearing an itchy sweater and answering inane questions about your career/relationships/financial decisions, you’d at least better have a decent buzz going.
5) Insist that Santa is real and refuse to consider any other possibility.
Be willing to fight to the death, (or at the very least, get into a heated arm wrestling match.)
6) Be WAY too festive.
Put on the sparkliest earrings or most atrocious bow tie, stuff tinsel in your bra, (or down your boxers), and don that Rudolph sweater. (Bonus points if his nose actually lights up and he sings the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer song.) And anyone who shows up to family gatherings dressed like this automatically wins at everything.
7) Give cryptic answers to boring questions.
Example: When your Great Aunt Darby asks how you met your spouse, very clearly state that you met in prison, and then politely excuse yourself, as you need to refill your plate with those tiny hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls.
8) Instead of making a gingerbread house, create an accurate scale replica of a historical building.
Gingerbread Taj Mahal. Gingerbread White House. Gingerbread Hogwarts. The world is your oyster. Your cookie-coated, held–together-with-frosting oyster.
9) When holiday music comes on in the store, loudly exclaim, “THIS IS MY JAM!” and start dancing like you’re in a night club, grinding on the unsuspecting workers and twirling your shirt over your head.
Because nothing says it’s time for family like twerking in a Wal-Mart.
10) Remember the true spirit of the holidays.
(And by that I mean hold a seance in an abandon grave yard to connect with the literal ghost of Christmas Past.)
But seriously. Enjoy the cold weather. Enjoy themed pajama pants with candy canes and the star of David. Enjoy family, and hot drinks, and presents. And most of all, enjoy the weird burning that happens from the whole snorting hot cocoa mix thing. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
What are some of your favorite holiday traditions or tricks for surviving the festivities? Tell me in the comments!