Adultery Saturdays: The Top 10 Signs You’re Getting Old. (Because You Needed a Self-Esteem Boost, Right?)
1) You’ll talk a lot about the best waste management service. See also: internet providers and flight deals.
I remember being a kid and envying my friends who spent so much money on stuff that didn’t matter. As I got older and went to college, it slowly transitioned into spending no money on things that absolutely did matter. And now adulthood, where finally we’ve reached a happy medium.
Because when you’re adult? It’s all about spending the least amount of money on the highest quality of things. “You love my dress? I got it on sale!” “My internet provider? It’s the cheapest around with the highest download speeds!” “Oh, my cell phone bill? It’s the lowest package I can have while still getting email!”
AND ALL OF THESE THINGS GIVE US STREET CRED.
2) You’ll start scheduling time for sex.
That’s all I’m going to say about this. Because. You know.
3) When you’re buying facewash, you won’t know if you should get anti-acne or the anti-aging.
So, I have this weird self-conscious thing where I HATE the way my face looks when it’s totally relaxed, so I almost always have my eyebrows raised. I think it started in school when I was trying to fake a look of engagement and interest, but I can’t be certain.
In any case, when I do totally relax my face (entirely alone, with the bathroom door deadbolted), there’s still a visible line on my forehead from innumerable years of forced scrunching. It’s a wrinkle. A big one. And it’s one of many that’s starting to creep up.
But then there’s that whole part where I also have acne along my chin. Also, I never thought I’d see the day when I talked about my jawline acne on the internet. HI, THERE! I’m Jessica.
And standing in the face wash aisle at Target and looking at all the options? Makes me feel (melodramatically) lost, confused, and entirely overwhelmed because I NEED BOTH, TARGET. I need to fight my wrinkles and control my acne, and life is just really hard sometimes, okay? Ash tells me this is what’s called a first world problem.
4) You’ll struggle watching Friends because it makes you despair over the fact that your life isn’t actually like sitcoms.
Do you realize that when the series starts, Ross is 24 and already divorced from a lesbian whilst living in a bustling city, surrounding by a perfectly-sized social circle of attractive young adults, some of which live in a HUGE AND GORGEOUS purple New York apartment?! (The walls are purple. Isn’t that strange? It took me forever to realize it.)
And when YOU go on a bad date, it generally isn’t hilarious; you just end up home and alone, crawling into bed unceremoniously and tugging the covers up to your chin.
Ruckus parties don’t end in such a way as to move the plot line forward in any meaningful way, mostly because you just don’t have as many ruckus parties as you’d assumed you would.
And when you get irresponsibly drunk and leave a slurring voicemail on an old flame’s voicemail? HE IS NOT GOING TO DUMP HIS ADORABLE GIRLFRIEND FOR YOU. He’ll probably just stop talking to you, and won’t appreciate the fact that you jumped on his back and ripped the phone out of his hands. Just sayin’.
5) You’ll realize that nothing actually happens if you make a late credit card payment.
I majorly stressed about this growing up. (Yeah. You read that right. I stressed about making my future payments on time since I was eight. I’ve been greying since I was twelve. And I watched a lot of PBS.)
But then I was a personal assistant for a family for awhile who was so busy they had a hard time keeping track of what bills were due when, missing a few payments here and there before I came along and fixed it up.
And the magic surprise? Their credit was still just dandy. No repo man came and took their furniture by using a huge vacuum strapped to their back. And their entire house didn’t actually crash down around them, burying their adorable dog in the rubble and ruining their lives.
Is it important to pay stuff on time? Absolutely. But accidentally missing a payment now and again isn’t an unforgivable sin. Or apparently, even really a super punishable one.
6) You’ll suddenly feel weird shopping in places like American Eagle.
All those dresses that hit upper-thigh are too long for pants and too short for underwear, and since when do they put fur on everything?!
Also, everyone who works there sort of judges you a little and you generally want to ask them if they’re out past curfew. OH, LOOK! A NORDSTROM RACK!
7) You won’t get so drunk you throw up. Usually.
Because you’re a fucking professional. And also you feel too shitty the next day to move your head, let alone do the hair-of-the-dog bullshit and actually interact with another human being.
See also: swapping out toga parties for block parties. Because a sense of community is important, you guys. And sometimes there are hot dogs and fireworks, which is clearly a bonus. There’s just something special about colored chemicals and ground pig parts.
8) You’ll realize baby fever is a thing, and by a thing, I mean a fucking disease, because BIOLOGICAL CLOCKS ARE TICKING DEEP INSIDE YOU.
I don’t think I want kids, but man, watching a baby in a restaurant endearingly eat applesauce makes my heart hurt in a way that I didn’t know existed. And while it’s possible that I’m just having a mild heart attack in every restaurant I go to, (I consume a lot of gravy and bourbon), I think the more likely answer is that the older I get, the more my ute is screaming to put something in it.
Even men get it, and when I see their eyes gloss over with adoration while looking at a kid climbing up a slide or jumping off a swing, I want to punch them in the face to make that look go away. Because it freaks me out, and also because if I ever do become a mom, my child will definitely not be allowed to jump off the swings when I’m around.
The bottom line? Your bodies might tell you that kids are the right choice. It’s okay if your mind doesn’t agree.
9) You have budgets, and you’re not embarrassed about it.
You know that cash envelope system where you put X amount in the grocery envelope and X amount in the toiletries envelope, etc? I DO THAT. And whenever I whip out the associated envelope in a checkout line, I almost always make a new friend who does it, too.
Because budgets are fucking boss. LOOK AT US MANAGING MONEY AND SHIT.
10) You won’t really have friends.
Or rather, you probably won’t have a huge social group. Because adulthood sometimes means less, “Oh, they’re like totes my 50 closest besties” and more, “Yeah, I’m sorry I had the flu and accidentally threw up on your hand while SIMULTANEOUSLY SHITTING MY PANTS. But thanks for staying and making me chicken broth.”
We might not have birthday parties with 75 people anymore who will barhop with us for twelve hours (and still manage not to know our favorite drink), but that just means we can spend more time with our few best friends. Like. The friends who will not only help you move a dead body, but will also orchestrate the murder and wipe down the scene with bleach. Too graphic?
TO FRIENDSHIP! *clink*
And a bonus warning? TAKE ADULTHOOD WITH WATER AND STAY OUT OF DIRECT SUNLIGHT. Because that shit can cause cancer, you guys.
What things do you do that make you think–wow, I’m old?
Get out your bifocals and tell us in the comments!