ASH AMBIRGE

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An Ode to the Internet’s Worst Business Advice

In: WTF Am I Doing With My Online Business?

A person, going into business for themselves for the first time: How can I get found?

The Internet: Start a newsletter!

Person: What, like a weekly bulletin?

The Internet: No, like a newsletter.

Person: So, like, write a bunch of updates about me, me, and me?

The Internet: Yeah! A newsletter!

Person: Every week?

The Internet: Yeah! Content is king!

Person: And then ask customers to actually request to receive something I wrote all about me, me and me?

The Internet: Yeah! Opt-in!

Person: But will anybody care to read something all about me, me and me?

The Internet: Um…yeah, it's a NEWSLETTER, DUH.

Person: But who even reads those?

The Internet: Everybody.

Person: You mean nobody?

The Internet: No, we mean everybody.

Person: Half the time I can't even get my husband to listen to me—why will anybody else?!

The Internet: You have to create epic content!

Person: Epilepsy?

The Internet: EPICCCCCC CONTENNNNNTTTTTTTT!

Person: What does that even mean?

The Internet: You really need to invest in yourself.

Person: How do I do that?

The Internet: Sign up for an online class.

Person: How do I do that?

The Internet: Opt-in for somebody's newsletter.

Person: What if I don't want to opt-in for anybody's newsletter?

The Internet: You probably don't have the entrepreneur mindset.

Person: What's the entrepreneur mindset?

The Internet: Do what everyone else is doing and then call yourself an entrepreneur.

Person: That explains a lot.

The Internet: It's all about the mindset!

Person: I thought it was all about the newsletter?

The Internet: Yeah I'm a little confused myself; I'm waiting to see what everybody else decides and then I'll let you know.

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