Adultery Saturdays: Annoying Things My Boss Says

IN: Uncategorized

Because after working for my boss Ash, the founder of this website, (duh), for almost an entire motherloving year? I’ve got all sorts of beans to spill. (And then cook. And then make into a burrito with extra guacamole, because BURRITOS.)

I asked her if she cared if I wrote a post calling her out on the most annoying things she says as a boss. Her response: “I DARE YOU.”

Didn’t see that one coming.

The truth is: Every boss has their quirks. But I’m happy to say, even though my boss’ quirks are hilariously annoying? They’re the same reason she’s a good boss.

Shall we begin?



“Make a list!”

I have lists of my lists. I have lists of my lists of my lists. I HAVE LISTS OF MY LISTS OF MY–just kidding. That would be too many lists. But here at TMF, Ash is all about making lists of projects, possibilities, and best places to play Parcheesi practices. And then checking those lists twice. (Spoiler: Ash is actually Santa.) But do I blame her? No. Because—surprise!—I’d probably be way less stressy if I had made a list of shit I needed to bring to Costa Rica this coming Tuesday, so joke’s on me, Ash. I GET IT. LISTS ARE CRACK.



“I have the best idea.”

This is actually code for, “Drop whatever you’re doing, because we’re actually skyrocketing in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION that we might totally abandon by the end of the day, but we HAVE TO EXPLORE IT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL BECAUSE WE’RE ALWAYS GROWING AND ADAPTING AND CHANGING.” The shoutiness is implied, but you get the drift. Nothing stays the same for long, and we’re always switching our game plan when it makes sense to. Especially if something made sense at 4 o’clock in the morning.



“Do you have five minutes to hop on Skype?”

When you work with Ash, you learn that five minutes on Skype really means one hundred and five minutes on Skype, because we inevitably end up talking about the company’s direction, how we can better help people who suck at business—complete with badges and maybe a trophy—and way too many discussions around marketing, and the dogs we had when we were growing up.



“Let’s send them a present!”

Flasks. Pocket watches. (Not even kidding.) Must-read books. When people pull out all the stops, (or they happen to be particularly attractive pleasant to work with), Ash always insists we send ’em a little somethin’ somethin’ to brighten their day and practice what we preach about never peeing in the sea of sameness. (And as for that phrase? DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED.)



“Send the agreement.”

We don’t do unprotected business. Ever. Not with new clients. And not with contractors. Example? We’ve recently hired our favorite tech expert, (techxpert?) to get us the hell away from BlueHost and sitting pretty over in WPEngine where we can have orgasmic page loading speeds and an “impressive staging area,” which was clearly the clincher. And even that requires his name in blood. We’re all about covering our asses in every situation, regardless of scope or size. (Note: Please don’t make a joke about the size of our asses. Double note: I’m kidding about the blood part. Mostly.)



“We missed you on the charts last week—damn—THAT’S RIGHT YOU WASN’T THERE.”

Which is actually a Justin Timberlake lyric, so there’s that. Nothing makes Ash go on an all-caps typing tirade like when we figure out ways to do things better than “industry standard.” Better than expected. Better than what everyone else is doing just because it’s easy. Because she’s kind of sick when it comes to optimization and biting business as usual in the ass at the same time. Stagnation can suck our…straaaawwwwws. See also: “Bonafide Hustlers Section.”



“Does this require me to shower?”

The frequency of this question both frightens and intrigues me.



“You know how I am about details. Every one counts.”

Every move we make at TMF goes under THE MOST EXTREME SCRUTINY. We’re talking days of deliberation, ensuring that every single speck of dust is polished to picture perfection. (For example, this means every single word on this website has been painstakingly selected and deliberately placed there—and likely split tested.) This is right on par with the daily phrase, “Will you look into ________? I want to know how it works.” Work THIS, ASH. Kidding, Ash. I love you, Ash. Don’t murder me in Costa Rica, Ash. Ash?



“We’re here to provide an entertaining experience.”

Around these parts, bone-dry deliveries (and deliverables) are punishable by death, and Ash is always hunting for the hysterical, ensuring that every TMF morsel provides not just value, but entertainment—whether it’s actionable advice or hilarious hijinx, (though usually it’s some blend of both.)

And now, because I simply can’t resist, (and she’s going to kill me for this post anyways), here are a few favorite behind-the-scenes statements, served up on a silver platter.

If anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be in the witness protection program.



burrito cam


Is that porn

New nipple

Roger Rabbit

True love

pit sweat



Does it even count as drinking

And on THAT apt note, what are the things your current or former boss says that drives you ABSOLUTELY BONKERS?! Tell me in the comments! Before Ash murders me with a pistol. 😉