Yo.

It’s Ash.

I’m not going to beat around the bush: I’ve decided to do something new, and I’m calling it a TMFBOMB.

It’ll be a new on-the-fly video series taken from my iPhone in the heat of the moment – whenever that may be – related to stupid shit I see in biz + marketing…and what I really think.

They’ll be quick. They’ll be direct. They’ll be point blank. They’ll be profane. They’ll be raw and unedited. But most of all, I think they’ll be useful, because there’s not going to be any BS.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me tequila.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here, so let’s go. Here’s the first one that I just made right now.

Click the link and subscribe to my YouTube channel if you want updates on these.

Happy weekend!

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So once upon a time I dated a guy with lots of tattoos who worshipped his mom.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

That has nothing to do with the story.

Rewind. Back up.

Let’s start again.

*clears throat*

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Once upon a time, my official job title was “Director of Business Development.”

There. That’s better. Right story.

As Director of Business Development, I flaunted my ass all over Philadelphia, flashing biz cards left and right with that ridiculously long title printed all over ‘em, thinkin’ I was real hot shit.

Director of Business Development. Ooohhhh. Sounds importanttttt.

So do me a favor. For those of you who have never been in marketing or sales, tell me something: Would you have any fucking idea what I did on a daily basis?

Clearly, you were developing business, Ash.

Yeah, yeah.

But in normal, everyday terms, what did I do for a living?

Do you know?

Here. Let me help.

What I did for a living rhymed with male schlepp. Peppermint pep. Yeah-baby-let-me-see-your-one-two step.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

I was a sales rep.

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Now time out. Put that story in your pocket for a minute. We’re moving on.

Now let’s play a little game.

What do all of the following terms + phrases have in common?

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Distill your brand
Create a vision
Provide solutions
Social media strategy
Life coaching
It’s not you, it’s me

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Did you happen to guess…………. AMBIGUOUS BULLSHIT?

Whoo!

Bravo!

Very good, grasshoppa’!

Ambiguous bullshit for 2500, Alex!

Now wait.

Before you get your cute little polka dotted panties in a bunch, that’s not to say that I think any of those things ARE bullshit. (Life coachers – I love you – but pay attention.)

In fact, the things I listed aren’t bullshit at all. (Except maybe the whole “it’s not you it’s me” thing. I’ve used this tons of times and–trust me–it’s ALWAYS them.)

The problem, however, is that they all SOUND like bullshit.

Ding, ding, ding.

I’d like to solve the puzzle, pat!

(Oh, wait. I just did. Fuck.)

So, how do these two ridiculous stories tie together?

You’re probably onto me already. Keep the change, you filthy animal.

Sorry. I must be channeling my inner television goddess thanks to my upcoming One Night Stand with Stacey Parks, my favorite TV + film producer.

Anyway.

They relate because today we’re talking about abstract concepts in business–and how they’re preventing you from making money.

Too often, I see service providers using all sorts of fancy terminology to describe their services and the benefits of those services–possibly in an effort to seem expert, possibly because they’re too wrapped up in their own heads, and possibly because they don’t know better. But reasoning aside, fancy terminology can sometimes have the opposite effect of what you’re hoping for, resulting in less sales rather than more.

In other, more eloquent words: At the end of the day, you’ll be lucky if you have a pot to piss in.

Because while you’re busy scratching your ass trying to appear capable, your prospective clients and customers are sitting there scratching their asses wondering what the fuck you’re talking about.

And guess what? They aren’t going to wonder long.

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If they don’t understand what, exactly, you’re selling them…then guess what? You ain’t gonna sell ‘em.

That’s right. I just used the word “ain’t.”

When people don’t clearly understand what they’re buying…they don’t buy.

It’d be like me trying to sell you a large box of injection-molded plastic containing precision-made glass, fluorescent chemical coatings, and silicon chips for $599.

Your face would twist up in some kind of unattractive contortion like you just ate a Sour Patch Kid, and you’d be all, “Hell no. Idiot.”

And I’d be all, “Fine.”

And you’d be all, “I don’t even know what any of that stuff is.”

And I’d be all, “I think the commoners call it something like a TV.”

And you’d be all, “A TV! Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?!”

And I’d be all, “Because I was trying to make it sound impressive and worth $599!”

Get my drift?

So what’s a biz person to do?

It’s not about dumbing it down for your target market; it’s about finding a universal language that your target market speaks.

Sometimes, you may need to use fancy industry jargon, but if that’s the case, do everyone a favor and break it on down in terms that everyone understands. Remember: If I don’t understand it, I don’t want to buy it.

If you’re a photographer, for example, don’t try and sell me on the fact that you use some hoighty toighty lens . Sell me on what the lens does in a way that I can relate to, and therefore, care about. (And care about enough to spend my money on.)

It’s about taking abstract concepts–defined as such in the mind of your MARKET, not in YOURS–and making them more concrete. Making them tangible. Making them relatable.

Which means you need to spend some a good amount of time understanding who your market is, dawg. Not how fucking old they are, but who they REALLY ARE. There’s a difference.

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To hammer the point home, check out these two ads I saw in a magazine I was reading this morning:

In the first ad for Kashi, their ad people are some clever bastards.

They could have just said: “With a whopping 9-13 grams of protein per bowl!” (Which is what it really is according to their nutrition facts.)

The problem with that?

Nobody gives a shit. Because you and I can’t tangibly envision 9-13 grams of protein. It isn’t concrete for us. It’s too abstract. So therefore, it becomes a moot selling point.

However, position it the way Kashi did, and tell me that there’s as much protein in an egg, now found in a bowl?

THAT’S something I can immediately grasp. That’s something I’m into, because everybody knows that eggs have lots of protein. I can picture an egg. And maybe I’m sick of eating eggs. So when you tell me there’s as much protein in this bowl of Kashi as there is in an egg, I make the connection in my mind and it DOES become a very legitimate selling point.

Score 1 for Kashi.

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Then on the other hand, we’ve got good old Olay.

Olay Body Care: Every bottle has more than a jar of Olay moisturizers.

Oh yeah! Now you’re speakin’ my language!

They could have just said: “Contains twice the amount of moisturizer than other leading body washes.” (Which is also true–taken from their site.)

But, again, the problem with that is that it isn’t so concrete for me. Well how much moisturizer is in other leading body washes? Is twice the amount a substantial difference, or is it marginal? It’s not a good point of comparison.

However, if you tell me that it contains an entire jar of moisturizer, that’s something I can relate to. That’s something tangible for me. And that’s something that I can instantly say, “Hell yes!” to.

Score 1, Olay.

So you see my point.

This was a long ass blog post, but the concepts are all related here – less tangible, less sales. More tangible, more sales.

I guess I could have just said that from the beginning. But then I wouldn’t have been able to mix in all of those random TV references, and clearly the world would be worse off.

So think of my long-windiness as a good deed of sorts.

And do me a favor: The next time some guy or girl tells you that it’s not you, it’s them?

Send ‘em this post.

And then tell ‘em you’d be way more likely to buy their bag of horseshit…if they could kindly put that in more concrete terms for you.

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Want to learn more about getting more clients? I’ve got your back.

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So.

If you recall, in the last post, I made up a ridiculous scenario where you were headed to your fake neighbor’s house for dinner, whose guts you may or may not have secretly hated.

She was serving you quiche, at which point you made a face that slightly resembled this—> ?!?!?!?!!!!!.

As a result, you hesitatingly asked her to pass the salt.

And then…we stopped the post there, leaving you with the question of…what does this have to do with anything?

To which my response was: “Everything.”

So, what does this have to do with anything?

And of course, I’ll be answering that question with another question, which is this:

When your annoying neighbor was hypothetically passing you the salt, would you have thought twice about which brand of salt it was?

Question mark.

Wouldja?

I’m going to put the words right into your mouth and respond with, “Probably not, matey.” (Don’t ever let me put words into your mouth. Pirate slang will always ensue.)

Definitely not.

You just would have taken the salt and irrigated your quiche with it.

Like anyone would.

Because folks just don’t question what type of salt is in the salt shaker – they just ask for “the salt.” Plain and simple.

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And the reason for that is because salt’s considered a commodity.

Ooohhh, fancy word. Commodity.

If you’re not familiar with the term commodity, it’s defined as something that’s needed, but for which there’s really no differentiation across the market. In other words, there aren’t preferred brands of salt, generally speaking.

Salt’s pretty much salt. Take it. Lick it. Shower your food with it. Slop it all over the rim of your margarita. Toss it all over an icy sidewalk. Ship it to folks in Alaska to toss all over their icy sidewalks. Slay a slug with it for all I care.

You get the point. Salt is salt. It gets the job done.

As such, you’d probably never think to ask your host what type of salt she’s using.

Again, because salt’s a commodity.

Which brings me to the real point.

Too often, brilliant business owners (that’s you) accidentally treat their businesses, services and products the same damn way–as if they were an every day commodity.

When, in fact, there’s absolutely nothing “everyday” about you, your business, your service or products.

Far from it!

But you just might not have been sure how to communicate that.

However, the problem with that becomes this: 

When you don’t give your prospective clients a reason to pick you over the next guy…guess what? They won’t.

Because as far as they can tell, you’re just another salt shaker / life coach / web designer / photographer / copywriter / etc.

And all that matters to them is that the job gets done. Just like all that matters to you is that your quiche gets salted.

And THAT’S the moment when they start price shopping (eeekkkkk!)–because at that point, price is really the only differentiating factor.

And competing on price will be the death of your small business.

Your job?

Give ‘em a reason.

Give ‘em a reason to pick you.

Give ‘em a reason to become your number one fan.

You aren’t a helpless pawn in your industry.

You’re a god damn genius.

Now it’s time to ACT LIKE IT.

The way you do that has a lot less to do with what you + your business does…and a lot more to do with how you + your business do it. Sear that into your brain. I don’t care that you’re a web designer (what you do)…but I do care about how you make me feel. And the only way you can legitimately make me feel anything, is to be strong enough to step up to the plate with your business–and your brand’s–personality.

It’s about the way you do something.

It’s about the experience.

It’s up to you to evoke emotion, so you can help your customers FEEL SOMETHING, and, by extension, CONNECT WITH YOU. And when they connect with you, they’ll feel like they BELONG WITH YOU. Humans like to think of themselves as special and different from one another–this is precisely why evoking a brand experience matters, and this is why it affects your bottom line.

Don’t stand out. Stand the fuck up. And watch ‘em stand up with you.

Only then, once they feel like they belong with you, does the sales process even start–whether you knew it or not.

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So–what can you do to make them feel something? What can you do to evoke an experience for them?

Important to consider.

Because…

…you aren’t the salt.

You’re the shit.

Now get out there and prove it.

*************************************************************************************

On Another Note:

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1. Wanted to share this feedback on our Clients + Cash program (teaching you how to get more clients) that was posted to the TMFproject Facebook wall last night, in the event you’re finding yourself in the same situation:

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2. During the month of February, I’m going to be one hell of a busy bee with the One Night Stand consulting/copywriting sessions, which have been going fantastically well. If you need to reach me, best bet is Twitter or Facebook!

We scrapped the old booking calendar and implemented a new one, so if you were interested in signing up, you can do so easily by clicking here, selecting your date, and completing the process. We moved some things around, so there are now a couple of slots available at the end of February, but other than that, we’re into March, baby.

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3. Last but not least:  Roses are red, violets are blue, the world’s about to end, because I JUST BOUGHT AN iPHONE, TOO.

-

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THE END!

Yesterday I said I’d continue this story today.

I lied.

It’ll be continued on Monday.

I have a hot n’ heavy One Night Stand session coming up this evening, and I’m on a roll over here, brewin’ + stewin’ on ways that we’re going to brand, market + creatively rocket sales through the roof off of today’s client’s business. (An interior design firm!)

By the way, I’m thrilled that the One Night Stand sessions have been such a hit!

Mostly booked up through February, but *do* have a few additional spots open that aren’t on the booking calendar:

=

Next Thursday, February 2nd, from 1:30-8pm EST
Wednesday, February 8th, from 4:30pm – 11pm EST
Thursday, February 9th, from 1:30pm – 8pm EST
Thursday, February 23rd, from 1:30pm – 8pm EST

[Update: These slots are now filled! Click here to book your day on the One Night Stand calendar for the last week in February, or into March.]

=

Want to read more about what the hell these One Night Stands are?

Click here to find out the juicy gossip.

That said, I’m back to stewin’.

Good day.

Good bye.

Wear your seatbelt. (Shout out to Ian, who tells me this every day. It has now stuck. Damn.)

So let’s say your annoying neighbor invites you over for dinner.

Huge bitch.

But you decide to go, anyway, because you don’t want to feel like an asshole every time you see her backing her brand new Lexus out of the driveway at the same exact time you and your ’98 Toyota are pulling out. Which, conveniently, happens way more than you’d like.

On the night of THE DINNER, you head over with a bottle of wine–secretly hoping she spills it all over her stupid cream-colored silk blouse, so at the very least, you’ll be mildly entertained.

For dinner, the neighbor made some asparagus quiche nonsense, while you silently wonder how the fuck to spell quiche, and whether or not she’s going to ration your wine intake. Probably will. Yoga-practicing, flaxseed-worshipping whore.

Thank god you’re armed with an emergency flask.

So you’re chillin’ out with your plate full of quiche, when, after some time passes, you finally muster the guts to ask *the* question.

The one that could screw up everything.

The one that could ruin your neighborly good will forever.

The one that could mean a lifetime full of evil eyes and passive aggressive slights.

You decide to ask it any way.

-

Would you mind, um…would you mind passing….uh…..passing the salt?

You quickly look to gauge her reaction.

She stays calm.

Quiet.

Composed.

Proper.

And then silently, but obediently, through a clenched jaw, passes you the goods.

Whew.

That’s a relief.

At least you’ve saved her from the even more embarrassing event of having you VOMIT AT THE TABLE.

So what does this ridiculous scenario have to do with anything?

Everything.

You’ll find out tomorrow.

In the meantime, you should probably watch this music video. It has nothing to do with anything, and you won’t understand the lyrics, but you’ll get the point, and it’s a good one to get.

Good thing I never promised coherence.

Until tomorrow!