Whooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It’s time!

(If you knew me in person, you’d know that I really do “woo” a lot. It’s obnoxious, really.)

So let’s get right to it:

1. THE SALE

Starting RIGHT NOW, Monday, April 30th, at 12pm EST / 9am PST, lasting only the next 72 hours, TMFProject readers have a special fucking chance to pick up my own You Don’t Need a Job, You Need Guts ($40); a physical copy of Chris Guillebeau’s newest hardcover book, The $100 Start-Up,  (it doesn’t hit the shelves until May 8th for the general public); and 17 other top business courses on freelancing, sales, advertising, and creating passion-based businesses from my colleagues...at a ridiculous discount.

Everything together is worth $1005, if you were to buy it all separately.

Right now, for only the next 72 hours, the TMFproject crew can pick them ALL up for only $100 flat.

You should take advantage of this. It’s a chance to put your Intoxicate dreams into effect – without having to break the bank to get educated on HOW.

There’s a 100% money back guarantee.

Put your money where your mouth is.

This is a no-sissy zone.

Take off your SKIRT and GO.

Click here to buy starting at 12pm EST, April 30th. (Remember – for the next 72 hours only. No exceptions, heart throb.)

2. THE WINNER

As you may know, we recently ran an initiative on the site called INTOXICATE 2012, where we challenged one another to get serious about the one thing we feel like an asshole for not having done yet – that one nagging little dream that needs to become a damn reality, already.

As a part of INTOXICATE, I offered the opportunity to win a complimentary One Night Stand copywriting package (worth $997).

First of all, allow me to say how entirely honored, floored and downright inspired I was by everyone who entered. (There were a lot of you badasses!)

The time you took to really take the questions seriously, and by extension, take your dream seriously, was not just impressive, but beautiful.

THANK YOU.

That said, a winner had to be chosen. That was, by far, the hardest part. Every single one of you had such compelling entries, and dreams worth fighting for.

However, I’m happy to announce that, since I couldn’t just pick one….I’m awarding THREE.

That’s right.

Three.

Without further ado, the winners of a complimentary One Night Stand are:

Simba Russeau

Autumn Tompkins

Georgina Pijttersen

I’ll be contacting you ladies, and also, if you entered the contest and haven’t heard from me yet, you’ll be hearing personally from me, too.

With their permission, I’ll also be sharing a few details of the businesses we’ll be working on, and why they were selected to win.

So proud of all of you!

Thank you, once again, for being a part of the TMFproject community and crew.

You inspire the fuck out of me.

Before I explain the origins of this remarkable photo, I’m pretty sure we should think up some awesome captions together.

I’ll go first.

Anything but Donkey Kong!

Too many boobs!

Stop tickling me, Rudolph!

Father Time eats his first pot brownie.

Protesting razors since 1000 B.C.

Don’t ask me why I have the need to torture us all with this kind of stuff. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the 5th grade, when Mr. Martin, the guidance counselor, used to show up in the classroom with a stuffed dolphin named Doo-so. That shit would scar anybody.

But seriously – what caption would YOU put? Leave it in the comments – this could be funny.

That said, you may or may not be wondering who that poor man in the photo is, and furthermore, why I’ve published such a random, unflattering collection of images of him.

If you’ve been following The Middle Finger Project for any length of time, you already know the answer to the latter: I published it for no other reason than it was funny as hell. As for the former, however, the man in that photo is Bruno, pronounced Bruuuuuuunoooooooo, and Bruno is from Italy.

Asti, Italy, to be specific, where they apparently make baller champagne.

And Bruuuunnnnooooooooo hangs out here in Costa Rica, day in and day out, sharing his stories of having spent a lifetime owning a small bookstore in his pueblo. We’ve talked much business–in broken Spanish, mind you.

He is leaving next week to go back to Italy.

I will miss him.

Which is precisely why I photo bombed him today without his consent–hence the arms flailing. I’d say you should have saw the look on his face when my Macbook fired off a bunch of snapshots of him when he just thought he was going to look at Google Earth, but you DID see the look on his face.

And that’s basically the extent of that story – but how could I resist sharing that photo?

Brrruuuunnnnnoooooooooooooooooo!

That said, I really just wanted to remind you to show up tomorrow, Monday, at 12pm EST to ze blog.

If you need a reminder, here’s why. (Hint: Lots of stuff on sale.)

Don’t bring your kids.

Things could get ugly.

The Middle Finger Project. Not Your Grandmother’s Blog.

P.S. Seriously – what caption would you put on this collection of images? Exercise those creative juices! I want to hear ‘em!

I have a very important piece of advice for you.

When in a foreign country lookin’ all sorts of sexy at the mall (read: for once, there isn’t a mix of sweat, dirt and men’s cologne dripping down your neck) and the ATM eats your only debit card?

Don’t storm out of the bank like a crazy person.

It’s not very becoming.

Particularly when it’s the one day you don’t have on waterproof mascara. Because then you look like even more of a crazy person. A crazy, drugged out person. Look out, here comes the crazy, drugged out, enraged American girl! She might have a knife. Or a chainsaw. Yes, definitely a chainsaw, judging by the size of her purse.

No wonder why I haven’t gotten any ass here.   *nods profoundly*

So that happened.

Furthermore, I should mention that Monday will be the day the winner of the complimentary One Night Stand is announced, and it’s also the day I will give up vodka forever. I spent last night hobnobbing with pineapple man and some other powerful dudes in town–while witnessing a 3 million dollar biz deal go down.

You see, me and pineapple man’s thing together seems to be dirty martinis. He had never had one before he met me. (See what I do to people? I’m a corrupter of the highest degree. Here! Here’s a vodka-soaked olive, and some more vodka on the side! Eat it! Drink it! Do it! What are you waiting for?! DO IT!)

Too many martinis later, I’m telling pineapple man (and pineapple man’s adorable, giggling dad) how I plan to revive the entire town and its economy using the internet. I might have also swore up and down that my next book was going to be all about them–the secret (and not so secret) lives + business strategies of the most powerful men in Costa Rica.

Actually, both of those things sound like pretty good plans, so perhaps I won’t give up vodka after all . (Did you actually believe me, anyway?)

Last but certainly not least, Monday is going to be a whiz bang of a day for another reason, altogether.

Chris Guillebeau has generously offered to make his new book, The $100 Startup, available to US here at The Middle Finger Project, before it hits the shelves on May 8th. In ze book, he goes through 50 examples of original, unconventional businesses that were started using $100 bucks or less, showing their financials and exactly what they did to get where they are – and guess who’s included? Why, my dear friend and international sexpot of a wedding photographer, Kyle Hepp, who you last spotted with me in Patagonia, Chile, when we took a vacation together, and this picture was published.

Seriously. Do not travel with photographers. They won’t just capture your best moments; they’ll capture your most embarrassing, too. Jerks.

But either way, I’m VERY excited to see Kyle’s name in print. She deserves it.

So that’s fucking exciting, and on Monday ONLY, you’ll be able to pick up your copy, here on The Middle Finger Project, before it hits the shelves. (It’s a hard-cover BEAST. And who the hell doesn’t like a hard-cover BEAST of a book? At the very least, you can swat your mother-in-law with it when she acts naughty. Or your lover.)

Along with the book (holy shit there’s more!) you’ll also snag access to 18 BIZ COURSES – including my own You Don’t Need a Job, You Need Guts, for those who have an aching, pissed off urge to do something more meaningful with their lives–and all at a 90% discount.

It’s $100 bucks for everything, valued at $1,000. (That includes The $100 Startup.)

Seriously.

The point is this: Show your filthy face on Monday, 12 noon EST.

If not for any other reason than because I’ll certainly have some interesting male suitor stories by then.

And I was just kidding about your face being filthy.

I’m sure it’s delightful.

Unless you are any of my ex boyfriends reading this, in which case your face is not delightful, but probably twisted into some contorted mix of disgust and hatred.

But if that’s the case, why are you reading my blog?

Sucker!

Gosh I’m an asshole. Seriously, who let me have my own website?

Monday. 12pm EST. Don’t stand me up. I know where you live.

The Middle Finger Project. Not Your Grandmother’s Blog.

So this past week, I took a motherfucking vacation.

And do you know what?

I’m going to take vacations all the time! It’s been decided! Vacations are just way too great to not take! Why aren’t people vacationing all the time? I hereby declare every last week of the month vacation week. Not only do you get to drink (obnoxious amounts of ) fruity umbrella drinks without an ounce of guilt, you also get to do cool things like burn the shit out of your pasty ass skin ON PURPOSE, and haphazardly throw yourself off of a cliff high above the tree tops in the jungle while relying on some little fucking pulley to KEEP YOU FROM PLUNGING INSTANTLY TO YOUR DEATH.

Can you imagine the field day the iguanas would have with your body?

I know that I’m living here, technically, just as I lived in Chile and Spain this past year, and while it may look like I’ve been on constant vacation for years, I haven’t been–I don’t think I’ve shut my laptop for an entire week since the days when AOL was macking the whole dial up scene, and people actually drank bubble tea.

So I’m pretty sure that the point of this blog post is to tell you to go take a damn vacation already, because it was OH so good for mental clarity and regained focus. But obviously it wouldn’t be as much fun if I just came out and said that, so instead, I’m going to rub my vacation in your face so hopefully, by the end of this post, you’re gritting your teeth and hoping I get kidnapped by Colombian guerilla warriors (who would totally be good-looking) who would slowly torture me day in and day out for months on end using unsanitary sheep shaving tools and/or cages full of mosquitoes.

Here is an obnoxiously boastful list of the things I did last week (that I hope you hate me for, as to light even more of a fire under your ass):

1. Doggie paddled beside big, bright yellow fish in the Pacific (Who I thought were going to nibble my toes, but didn’t. Picky bastards.)
2. Slugged a delightfully rum-filled watermelon daquiri alongside of million dollar yachts
3. Met (and then ran from) a scarily inappropriate man who is building a hedonism resort behind his sushi restaurant, and wanted my help selling time shares to dirty old men who want to hang out on their balconies and gaze at hired naked prostitutes (Got the tour! Fucking shoot me!)
4. Videotaped my best girlfriend from the United States hilariously singing N-Sync at an obscure karaoke bar on a dirt road in backwoods Costa Rica
5. Ran a 36 mile stretch on jet skies with a big, muscular black man who fed us pineapple in the middle of the ocean, once we cut the engines
6. Held an iguana, fed a baby deer, saw exotic cats and watched a baby monkey on its mother’s back
7. Ate the world’s best Peruvian food
8. Spent a morning out on a boat, sportfishing and drinking beers at 8am with one of the area’s most well-known restauranteurs.
9. Explored a far-away mountain village by car–and then by foot.
10. Nearly assaulted a man going house to house on a dirtbike, stopping to peer into the windows of each home with big, giant binoculars–but then realized he was from the electric company, reading the meters. (Oops!)
11. Danced meringue so much, sweat started pouring down my face, causing makeup to drip into my eyes and burn them so bad I had to sit down.
12. Tried my very first Bloody Mary. (That’s right. My very FIRST. I know. You’re shocked.)
13. Attempted to go horseback riding 6 kilometers to a series of waterfalls in the jungle (but totally missed the start time)
14. Went wave diving on one of Central America’s most well-known surfer beaches
15. Drove fearlessly through downtown San Jose, the nation’s capital–a feat in itself.
16. Ziplined through the rainforest–AND did a special line, 1 kilometer long, over a teak plantation.
17. Thought of a brilliant new business idea, and documented initial concepts + ideas
18. Sipped fresh coconut milk from a dude with a machete.
19. Took hilarious photos of any and every man with a mustache, automatically naming him RAMON. (The best Ramon was behind me in a gold 70′s style car with silver rims, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a look that said, “Try me, motherfucker.”)
20. Was asked to lunch by a guy’s mother via text message, after meeting the guy just once. (Why waste time?)
21. Typed this blog post while lounging pool side, eating papaya
22. Remembered that no one ever said life was meant to be taken seriously.

That’s only a partial list, but you get the idea. Holy mother of fun.

Though, I’m pretty sure that even if you don’t happen to have Costa Rica in your backyard, just closing your laptop for a few days and remembering that YOU’RE WORTH IT would do the trick.

You’re worth taking the extra time.

You’re worth the luxury of sleeping in when you need to.

You’re worth cutting yourself some slack.

You’re worth doing things the way you FEEL LIKE DOING THEM.

You’re worth a break.

You’re worth the opportunity to get outside and breath fresh air.

You’re worth that 3rd cup of coffee.

You’re worth the extra long shower.

You’re worth the more expensive version.

You’re worth the nice bottle of wine.

You’re worth taking the time to HAVE FUN.

You’re worth allowing yourself to be ridiculous, and create a Ramon photo collection.

You’re worth feeling what you want to feel.

You’re worth doing what you want to do.

You’re worth your wildest dreams.

And you’re worth carving out the time to nourish them.

So instead of hiking up your bootstraps, how about ripping ‘em off for once, and taking a damn vacation, already?

Everything will get done.

Everything always gets done.

Everything except YOU.

And no, pervert, not that way.

Unless that’s really the truth, in which case, you should probably work on that, too.

The Middle Finger Project. Not Your Grandmother’s Blog

Andddd here we are – the final (official) day of INTOXICATE 2012.

(Sort of. Even though I’m relentlessly going to harass you about YOUR THING for months to come. And I sincerely hope you harass me about mine. Using nice words, of course.)

Anddddddddd, I’ve been waiting for this day to come, because I’ve got a surprise for you.

(Unfortunately the surprise does not include Brad Pitt. Though, did you know that one of our very own TMFproject crew members, an actress, once kissed Brad Pitt on set? I shit you not. Don’t worry, M-dog, I won’t reveal your identity here. But admittedly, I’m still pretty jealous.)

The surprise is in the two videos below.

You have to watch them both–despite their Parkinson’s-like shakiness–or risk being executed by one of my top secret spies, who will surely cut you with a rusty old fishing hook first, because they are jerks like that.

RE: The shakiness–what can I say? I was walking with the iPhone. (And probably dancing a little, because I dance non-stop.) As much as I’d like to think I’m talented enough to walk, hold an iPhone, talk to you, and film the surrounding area while maintaining everything perfectly stabilized, I’m not that talented.

So suck it up, because I think you’ll find them worth a watch.

Note: The first video is me walking through town in Quepos, Costa Rica, where I’m currently living, and where I lived as a teenager, as well as part of my early 20′s. At one point, a man on the street asks me if I want a beer. I’m pretty sure there could not have been better timing than when I was recording this video for you. The second video, on the other hand, is with our surprise guest. NOT TELLING.

Also good to note: I’m not that much of an asshole. My grandmother had Parkinson’s, which clearly gives me full rights to make asshole-sounding jokes about it. Granted, I never met her, but still…it counts.

With that, I’ll leave you with ze videos.

I raise my lemontini to you.

And to intoxicating ourselves with possibility.

And then fucking acting on it.

Last but not least – final submission instructions to enter to win a complimentary One Night Stand:

Take the three pieces I had you write here, here and here, and then include one final Word document writing a letter to Oskar, telling him anything you’d like about youself, your biz, or anything YOU decide – and then attach everything together in ONE email to ash {at} themiddlefingerproject.org with the subject line, “CONTEST.” In the body of the email, please give me a brief introduction, and tell me why you want to win a One Night Stand. That’s it! Easy.

*** Please send everything together in one email.***

If you submitted a response to me prior, please re-send with all contest responses in one place, with the appropriate subject line. This is important, because if not, I will absolutely lose track of you. And I don’t want to do that.

I’m fairly certain that there will be a high volume of entries, so I’ll be picking a winner by Monday, April 30th.

Thank you to everyone who’s participated in our initiative.

I can’t wait to see what kind of crazy shit you pull off in this one crazy life we’re granted.

Go big or go the hell home, right?

I know you got this.

With much respect and lots of vinegar (and maybe a donkey?),

Ash
@TMFproject