Dream Zappers Part II: Why They Zap, Squash & Belittle Your Aspirations
Remember our good friend the Dream Zapper (DZ)? I first wrote about Dream Zappers in a guest post over at Corbett Barr’s Free Pursuits. We’ve all encountered them; they’re the ones jumping up and down to squish, squash and stomp all over your ideas & aspirations, usually accompanied by the likes of, “You’re being unrealistic,” or my personal favorite, “You’ll have to join the real world sometime.”
Big, giant menacing GRRR face.
In the post, I discussed the importance of defending your dreams, despite traditional advice that advocates not sinking to that person’s level, not taking it personally, and recognizing that it’s not you, it’s them.
And while I stand by that assertion, the truth of the matter is that it truly is them. But even if we consciously know that, sometimes it still gets under our skin, nagging at our self-esteem and poking little holes in our confidence, because we just can’t figure out why. Why are DZ’s zapping in the first place? What’s the deal, already? What ever happened to live and let live, mon? Can we get a little Bob Marley up in here?
It’s All Your Fault
I’ll tell you what happened.
What happened…was you.
To a Dream Zapper, you are actually the offending party. Even though you aren’t outright attacking a DZ’s dreams, you’re indirectly doing so simply by existing. The fact that you’re sitting there all inspired and hopeful with your zest for life and your bucketfuls of ambitions is nauseating to them, because it forces them to question their own realities. And in being forced to question themselves, they may not like the conclusions that are drawn.
And that’s really freaking uncomfortable. (Tissue, anyone?)
It’s so uncomfortable, as a matter of fact, that our brains have actually adapted and developed a mechanism designed specifically to reduce any unpleasant psychological discomfort that’s experienced. Know what that’s called?
The fine human art of rationalization.
Rationalization occurs as a necessary mental function to avoid cognitive dissonance–two conflicting ideas in our minds–in order to protect our ego and maintain our self-image. (Dammit, Freud.) In order to avoid anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, embarrassment or stress, people will bend over backwards and resort to irrationality and–you guessed it–ridicule. You, with your ideas, are threatening the entire fabric of their consciousness. And they no like-ey that. You’re stressing them out, mon!
So in order to reduce that stress, they resort to rationalizing and justifying their own behavior, declaring it smarter, wiser, more realistic than yours. Conflicting ideas cause people to self justify–not necessarily rationally–in order to regain psychological balance.
In other words, they’re Dream Zapping you in order to maintain their own sanity.
Rationalizations In Action
Normally, we tend to assume that a person’s actions (minimizing your ideas) are guided by their opinions (you’re wrong and are doomed to fail), but in actuality, a person’s actions are guided more by his/her rationalizations that take place in order to preserve his/her integrity, self-image and world view.
Want proof?
A study of people who were processing conflicting information about a favorite politician showed that the reasoning areas of the brain actually shut down. Their brains simply stopped processing information that was inconsistent with the views they held about the politician.
Wild, eh?
To give an everyday example that you can likely relate to, if we believe ourselves to be fundamentally good people, the few times when we are hurtful to another person will cause dissonance, or tension, in our minds because good people don’t hurt other people. In order to relieve the stress that this mental conflict causes, we rationalize the hurtful behavior by deciding that the other person deserved it or somehow forced us into that hurtful behavior. And we’ve all been guilty of this little mental game, haven’t we?
Relative to what I discuss here at TMFproject, if someone has gone through their entire life up to this point believing that the standard American work-life model is the ideal–go to school, go to college, get a job, get a mate, get a house with a yard, get kids, etc.–and then someone comes along and says, “Pshhh! That’s ludicrous! You be trippin’, fool. I’m going to do things this other way,“ that person’s mind will do everything it can to prove you wrong. In the name of self-image and personal integrity, they won’t want to believe that. So instead, they rationalize their own decisions and beliefs in any way they can to avoid that mental discomfort–even if that includes putting you down for yours. We avoid mental anguish at all costs; our convictions about who we are and what we believe carry us through life, and we constantly interpret things that happen to us through the filter of those core beliefs. When they are violated–for example, by you and your ideas–it causes anxiety that must. be. reduced.
Conclusion
See what I mean? Told you it was them. What’s one to do? Frankly, there’s not a whole lot that can be done, except understand that the reason you’re getting zapped is independent of the validity of your decisions; the issue is not whether your decisions are sound, but rather how those decisions impact others’ egos. And, wouldn’t it be a little silly to make decisions based on someone elses’ psyche? You’ve got to look out for your own.
So the next time one shows up in your ‘hood, shaking their fists and showing their fangs, take heart in knowing that by letting them grumble, you’re totally saving them from a potential mental breakdown, in which case that makes you a hero. Not only do you get to follow your dreams; you get to wear a cape, too! And, really…what could be so bad about that?
From the middle finger project, post Dream Zappers Part II: Why They Zap, Squash & Belittle Your Aspirations
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Filed Under: Featured • Life Inspiration • Philosophy, baby
About the Author: Ashley Ambirge is the sarcastic, brash, hot-sauce-addicted founder of The Middle Finger Project, where she gives the evil eye to mediocrity, fervently questions societal assumptions, and aims to inspire readers to flip a cordial bird to the shoulds, and live how they want.
Whiskey shots strictly optional.
I've had a few family and friends who were once the most vocal, anti-unconventional DZs I faced eventually decide to chase their dreams in the end. Actually, after forcing my mother to visit me in a few random places around the world, she even quit the job she hated, moved across the country and began a new, more inspired life…and she definitely questioned my decisions more than anyone else at first when I made the decision to live a life of constant travel.
Ash–the family front . . . and even a little bit of on line type hassling. But that's what I get for having a blog. You're right, it will work itself out. And frankly, I don't have any more problems than most people I know who live more conventional lives. . .life just comes with bumps. Not necessarily a bad thing.
The whole “it's your fault” section spoke so much… truth.
Ever since I realized why people are “hating”, life has been well, free-er (yes I just said free-er).
Reminds me of all the “thank you haters” apparel going around in the “hip-hopZ” community.
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[...] Dream Zappers Part II: Why They Zap, Squash & Belittle Your Aspirations [...]
[...] I loved your series of articles about “dream zappers.” Can you recommend three ways our readers can start to cultivate their [...]
Okay, I know I'm not supposed to hate, but I loathe and dislike to the extreme those devlis-advocate-so-much-smarter-than-you-arrogant-dream-squashers.
What's wrong with a good old fashioned, “Good on you! That sounds like such a remarkable journey to add in your life. Tell me more! I'm envious!” Is that so hard?
People. It just goes to show, no matter where you go, there ya are.
Okay, I'm going to stop before I start getting mad.
Too Late.
George
I've been fortunate, most of the people around me are not dream zappers and are really encouraging, but then on the other hand, I am careful of who I talk to about my “goings on”. I'm pretty good at detecting those that at are not interested in hearing my story. I will tell those that could be dream zappers after the fact
Plus my actions will speak louder than words 
Agreed–sometimes it's better to keep things to yourself. Then once you're successful, it cuts DZs off at the knees.
Welcome to the site, my dear!
Thanks for your comment!
He he! DZd off at the knees
Thanks, I have been to your site a few times before, I really love it…and of course I love the title, but I bet you get that all the time
[...] The Middle Finger Project: We’ve all encountered them; they’re the ones jumping up and down to squish, squash and stomp [...]
Just found your blog yesterday and that was a bloody brilliant post! I recently had this conversation with a dream zapper, after having described my crazy west african real estate projects:
DZ: You care too much about money.
Me: Well, what I'm doing isnt primarily about money, more about freedom and to not depend on my day-job.
DZ: But everyone has to work!
Me: No!!
I wrote a whole post analysing this, and then I found your blog so I made another post starting with: “So, what to do when somebody has already expressed what you are trying to say, but much better? Well, quote and link:”
@Martin
Appreciate the kind words, and welcome to the site! I popped over to yours and left a comment–fascinating venture you've got going on over there.
Keep on with the big ideas–they're the most valuable asset we've got.
Salud!
[...] Dream Zappers Pаrt II: Wһу Tһеу Zap, Squash & Belittle Yου… [...]
Great post! When hubby quit the PO after 24 yrs. and I sold my “thriving” massage business and we sold everything we owned to move to Costa Rica we found out who the DZ's were in our life really quickly. I do have to say most people were totally supportive and continue to offer us their encouragement and support. But man those haters have lots of power and can sure get those digs in! We just try to hang with the people who encourage and if nothing else, keep their negative comments to themselves. It is also exciting to see more and more people taking control of their lives at young ages, that is awesome! Our one consolation if we never make a ton of money on our adventure is that we have given many family and especially our children the courage to follow their dreams, whatever they may be! Keep giving folks that courage, it is contagious! Thanks and Pura Vida!
@Roblynn
Yes–reminding others that they, perhaps, aren't living their lives to the degree that they could tends to provoke a lot of negative, bitter reactions that come in the form of put downs. Fortunately, by just having enough faith in yourself and your decisions, it's easy to turn your head and keep on going down the path that you know is right for you!
Will be in Costa Rica for the long-term starting August/Sept–would love to get together for some guaro!
[...] Check out the The Middle Finger Project for a little primer on Dream Zappers. [...]
Giiirl I luv your style soo much. And I don't have anything respect for Dream Zappers. Just because you are living waay below your potential doesn't mean everyone else should.
Nowadays, I just focus on what I want and don't pay attention to people who tell me otherwise. It takes practice, but it's a fulfilling process.
Zap those Dream Zappers – zap 'em good by ignoring them.
My husbands entire family are Zappers. We call them Dream Squashers, it must be awful to be so limited by yourself. They are so afraid to live
Amy,
I just logged onto your blog, and want you to know that I fully support your perspectives on life, and think you're doing a damn good job. You should be proud of yourself.
Furthermore, if your husband's family is full of dream zappers, that must make it even more difficult. The important thing to remember is that an opinion is not a fact, and just because they've got some, doesn't mean that they're right.
You know what's right for you.
Awesome to see someone living so authentically! You go!
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Isn't it amazing how parents and family members will say, “All I want is for you to be happy.” But woe be it if your idea of happiness isn't the same as their idea of happiness.
Author, Kurt Vonnegut was famous back in the 70s for saying, “The worst thing you can do to piss off your parents is tell them your gay or an artist.” I think a writer or an intrepid traveler kind of falls into the same category as an artist. When others choose an unconventional path it scares people. They can't make sense of the “path.” Where are you going with all this?
I'm 52 and I wake up every day asking questions: Am I doing anything fulfilling today? Am I doing anything to make a difference? Am I spending my time expressing my gifts – what God put me on the planet to do?
I'm blessed that I have more freedom than the average woman. I own my own business so I don't have a boss or a commute. I'm still madly in love with my husband after many years together. I've learned how to create income using my talents and gifts. I'm just learning how to tweak it so I can take it on the road. Soon.
)
I'm not travelling. Yet. But I've chosen a rather unconventional life (most of the time anyway) and followed my passions. I have made mistakes. But I have no regrets.