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I want to say, right up front, that I have read just about every article in Ashley’s Fear Exposed series. Often, I feel as if the person is saying, “I was afraid, but I conquered my fear and now I am successful and fearless.”

I don’t want to say that.

You see, to put it bluntly, I’m older than dirt.

I am soon to be sixty-one (January 26th, in case you want to send me a present) and here I am, heading off into the great unknown once again.  Let me give you some background.

When I graduated from high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do.  That, coupled with the fact that I got my sixteen year old girl friend pregnant.  We started our little family and I went to work instead of going to college.  At nineteen, I had no idea what I was going to do.

I was scared.

I had a friend whose mother worked in a nearby state mental hospital.  I heard that they were hiring, I applied and I got the job.  It included a year of college level training, much like an LPN, but with an emphasis on psychiatric nursing.  Seemed like a good enough deal.  I was going to save the world.

Training included working at the hospital, but fortunately, we were somewhat protected from those with severe psychiatric issues.  After graduation, my first day on the job, I was sent to wake up a patient so that he could go to the dining room with the rest of the unit.  I called him and he didn’t answer. I went to his bedside and called his name and shook his shoulder and he came off the bed like a rocket and proceeded to try and punch my lights out.

I quickly learned that my job was more bouncer than therapist.  I’m 6’ 2” and weigh around two hundred pounds.  I saw myself as someone who could help people and the staff saw me as sort of the same thing–but more as a defenseman on a hockey team than anything else.

I was expected to be ready anytime a patient got upset and started throwing things–chairs, pool balls, or other patients–around the room.  I was supposed to be the first one in.  The unit I worked was acute male admitting.  That meant they were all guys, they were all a bit imbalanced, so to speak, and they were dangerous.  I averaged about seven fist fights a day.

I was scared.

The fear got me started lifting weights and taking martial arts classes to keep myself from being beat up.  It worked, but soon I realized I was becoming as bad as the patients and I needed to either assign my self a bed or get the heck out of there.  I was afraid of what it was doing to me.  I chose the latter.

I had a friend who had once lived in Hawaii.  He and I decided that we were going to move there so we could surf and dive together like we did in California.

I moved my family there with little preparation and found that Hawaii was beautiful, but I didn’t really know a soul there.  On top of that, there was a shipping strike so I couldn’t get any of my belongings there, and, of course, there were no jobs.  Life was tough.

I was scared.

Sooner than later, the fear got me back to the mainland and back to the state hospital.  I had to go back to fighting, but at least there was food on the table.

And then it happened.

One day, my wife decided I was old hat and, well…she took our two children and she left. Suddenly, there I was, completely alone and more afraid than ever. How was I going to work this crazy job and be alone whenever I was home?  I found my answer for a while in a bottle.  If I wasn’t at work, I was drunk or stoned.

I was scared.

I was scared of being alone and I was afraid I would end up a miserable drunken druggie.

Yet alas, that fear led me to make more changes, just like it had in the past.  This time, that fear led me to get myself together, after which I met the girl who has been the love of my life for the past thirty four years.  (Thanks, fear.)

Eventually I left the hospital, moved to another state and found a job working in a factory.

I didn’t know anything about it, and the job I got was the very lowest position you could have.  I was afraid I would work there forever so I started learning everything I could about what we did.

It took about ten years, but I worked my way up to plant superintendent.  The job paid very well, but once again…

I was scared.

I was afraid that I would spend the rest of my days working a job that I really didn’t like.

I felt I was being called to go to seminary, even though I have never been an overly religious person.  I have my beliefs, but I’m not much for institutional religion.

There I was, forty-five years old and starting yet another career, one I wasn’t even that sure about.

I was scared.

Regardless, I graduated with my Master’s degree and headed to New York. I knew no one in New York and was really scared about starting a new career and how my irreligious views would mesh with the established church.  My fears were confirmed when the denomination I was in declared me a heretic and threw me out.  My family had no where to live and no money coming in.

I was scared.

But again, the fear led me to higher ground, where I began to study, to seek, and to look for new ways to live.

And so here I am, at almost sixty-one years old, still scared, but still moving forward.

I now have three blogs, teach yoga, and have a very tiny church.  I have been blogging for about two years and still haven’t made the “big time.”  I constantly deal with the fear that I’m too old, that I’ll never get this, that I won’t make it.

But the fear causes me to learn all I can, to keep trying, to not give up.

When I started this post, I said that I didn’t feel that I was above being afraid.  I’m not.  I don’t know that I want to be.  I use that fear to motivate me to new things, to learn new ways, and to try new ventures.  Yep, my fear is exposed.  Maybe too much at times, but, as it turns out, fear has taught me one very important lesson:

At the end of the day, I would rather live the adventure, and deal with the fear, than fade into oblivion.

I’m still scared, but I’m also more alive than ever.

And for that, I thank it.

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If you liked that jazz. . .check out some of these:

• Fear, Exposed – Featuring Monica O’Brien
• Fear, Exposed – Featuring Illana Burk
• Fear, Exposed – Featuring Susan Finch
• Fear, Exposed – Featuring Danny Mannina
• Fear, Exposed – Featuring Nina Yau