Life Isn’t As Serious As We Make It Out To Be
This Isn’t Actually a Love Story
In a strange sort of way, love has been one of my greatest teachers of life.
It has taught me patience.
It has taught me compromise.
It has taught me dedication.
It has taught me intimacy.
Not to mention the importance of a snappy comeback.
But perhaps most of all, love has taught me something that no other teacher could quite as eloquently:
Love has taught me impermanence.
We go through life entering and exiting relationships, both romantic and platonic. Our ability to do this relatively frequently has never ceased to amaze me–to have been, at one point, so painstakingly close to someone, only to turn around and hardly know that person at all. I’ve always found that to be a strange (read: agonizing) phenomenon that I attempt to avoid at all costs–ask any of my poor, tortured exes, upon whom I notoriously force post-relationship friendship that usually involves heavy Facebook stalking and the occasional sarcasm-laden, inside-joke-filled phone call to inquire about the other’s well-being.
Yet, as to be expected, there are simply some who cannot go down that path. No matter how hard I try to hold on, for the sake of honoring a bond that was once shared; for the sake of valuing authentic human connection, sometimes it isn’t enough. For them, once the romantic element has been removed, all that remains is a hollow abyss, laced with shadows of something that once was–not something that is.
And perhaps they’re all the wiser for it. Perhaps I’m the idealistic fool for ever having imagined that where love once was, it will always remain.
Because it doesn’t.
As much as we don’t like to imagine it this way, what with our promises of forever and our hopeful vows of devotion, sometimes, the truth is that love–whether we like it or not–is impermanent.
Just like most things in life are impermanent. And that’s truthfully the point of this post.
The Value of Impermanence
Contrary to how it seems, the truth is that impermanence is actually one of life’s strongest selling points. It’s unique value proposition, if you will.
No matter how hard we try to resist change, change is unavoidable. With a few major exceptions, such as death or that red wine stain on your carpet, nothing–nothing–is permanent.
And it’s absolutely fantastic.
At first glance, coming to terms with impermanence seems like a depressing idea. However, if we can learn to not only accept, but embrace this idea, our lives can only be improved. By remembering that nothing is permanent, we’ll be less hesitant to take risks, for one, which is one of the biggest benefits. For example, I receive numerous emails from hard-working professionals on a regular basis who have either gotten laid-off or are desperately needing a change, but are just lacking the confidence to veer in a new direction. They worry it won’t work out, and they’ll have thrown away their career. They worry they won’t like it as much as they thought they would. They worry that they’ll be putting everything in jeopardy. They worry that they’re being irrational and senseless. Essentially, they worry they’ll fail.
And it rips me to shreds every single time, because I just want to reach out and give them a comforting pat on the back, and then push them as hard as I can and with all my might. Sometimes, all we need is a little nudge.
Because truth be told, if it doesn’t work out, so what? You can always, always go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before, because no change is permanent. But if it does work out, you’ll only be all the more happy you decided to take the leap.
Life Isn’t As Serious As We Make It Out To Be
When making decisions, we have this disabling tendency to imagine everything in terms of forever and ever. We think that if we don’t pick the right career, the right path, the right husband, the right job, the right time to have kids, the right amount to save, that the world will come crashing down around us. All of this pressure that we’ve built up for ourselves, doesn’t exist naturally. We are the ones creating it, and we are the ones perpetuating it
We take our decisions very seriously, and their outcomes even more so. “But what if I do this, and then it doesn’t work out?” Contrary to popular belief, the world actually does not end. It keeps going, and we keep going. Life isn’t as big of a deal as we make it out to be.
Change is inevitable. Nothing is permanent. Why not use that to our advantage and start taking more positive risks?
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Filed Under: Life Inspiration • Philosophy, baby
About the Author: Ashley Ambirge is the sarcastic, brash, hot-sauce-addicted founder of The Middle Finger Project, where she gives the evil eye to mediocrity, fervently questions societal assumptions, and aims to inspire readers to flip a cordial bird to the shoulds, and live how they want.
Whiskey shots strictly optional.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Naeem Chudawala and Stacy Shade, Ashley Ambirge. Ashley Ambirge said: {New at TMF} Life Isn't as Serious as We Make It Out to Be : http://su.pr/1A97Pb [...]
Have I told you in the last 24 hours that I love your writing style?
This is one of your shortest and best posts EVER! Let me tell you why…
What you just shared in these few words was one of my biggest AHAs!
Everything in life and in our world goes in cycles((Birth, growth, climax, falling off, death, rebirth). From life itself, relationships, weather, sex, economy, neighborhoods, etc. Nothing is permanent.
Love is supposed to be forever, right. It's supposed to be different. Unfortunately it isn't. I admire your attempts to maintain some type of friendship with the former men in your life and do the same thing myself.
If you had such a marvelous connection at one time you would think that you would still be able to cherish those memories and have a good friendship. However, because of hurt feelings and bitterness it is almost impossible for most people.
Nothing is permanent! This is a very powerful principle to accept right now more than ever. This would the opportunity to begin a new cycle for your lives. A rebirth.
If you got laid off or unhappy with what you do for a living… this is a perfect time to travel down a different path and take a risk. This new risk may not be your final destination. But I guarantee that it will benefit on your next adventure in life. We as human beings are the sum of all our experiences, both good and bad. How about making it a RICH experience?
I will stop now because I am about to ramble for a while and will spare your readers.
GREAT POST!
“Life Isn't as serious as we make it out to be.” Can i get and AMEN! I could not agree more, I try to explain that to people and they just can't see it. It boggles my mind how people get so stressed out and hung up on every little thing in life, as if it were some world altering, life changing event. If people would just roll with things and learn from the experiences they would spend far less time worrying about things they think matter and much more time doing the things that do matter to them. Regardless of what goes on the sun still rises in the morning and sets in the night (with the exception of a few months up in Alaska and that but still). I tend to quote Matthew McConaughey when the serious life talks begin, the quote coming from Dazed and Confused and I just shorten it to “just gotta keep on livin' man, L-I-V-I-N'”. Something that everyone should embrace!
In the words of Machik Labdron's teacher – “anything you are attached to, let it go”…
I get chills every time I read the five short lines of wisdom from this crazy, brilliant Tibetan.
http://thirtytwothousanddays.com/blog/2010/02/g...
-jack
Wow. Can't even tell you how much I needed to read that this morning. You have an uncanny way of being on the same page as me.
@Kaity
We can channel our brain waves for all sorts of debauchery once we arrive in Detroit!
@Jack
Just tweeted that out–great wisdom. Thanks for sharing!
I agree Ashley. We often make things out to be way bigger than they really are!
I have changed jobs many times, owned three or four businesses and moved countless times. Each time felt like making a huge step and it was somewhat nerve wracking, but in the end, the benefits far outweighed the negatives! I learned, I grew, I made new friends.
I will disagree that some things are permanent. I pissed people off who were friends and they no longer are. I doubt that they ever will be again. I left jobs that, now that I am sixty, I can't go back to. Some things you leave behind for good. That doesn't mean that those are necessarily bad things, just that they can be rather permanent.
I will say that, between the two, hold on for fear something might turn out bad, or risk the adventure, I would risk the adventure every time! As you said, we only go round once in this life. Going to my grave full of regret for the things I never did seems a fate worse than death!
Appreciate the tweet Ashley – I just can't read that little quote enough
Sometimes I feel sad when I am feeling good and then realize abruptly that “things will end”… so I breathe and get back into the moment… sigh…
You position is philosophically logical, but personally impractical to me.
Let me say, I am certainly painfully aware of the impermanence of many things. Life itself, of course. Material possessions. But to me there ought to be something permanent to which I work towards, even if that means constant maintenance on same. Otherwise, the nature of everything being temporary has the opposite impact on me than it seems to have on you…life becomes utterly fruitless and devoid of reward.
From my view, taking a risk is worth it only if something lasting can come of it. It is hard enough putting oneself out on the line. (As I did with going to college, and I still drown in dead. Believe me, THAT is permanent.) But to think that nothing in the end will ever last, even a legacy…well that sucks out what little drive I often have to take any risk at all. I should just sit and wait to die.
First I just want to say thanks. Your timing couldn't be better. For some unexplainable reason I woke up in a bit of funk this morning. (maybe because there were no waves). I remember in the movie Van Wilder when he kept saying “You shouldn't take life so seriously or you'll never get out alive.”
On Relationships: Lately, despite everything in my life being damn near perfect, I keep fighting this feeling of the fact that I'm missing something here. It's a story I've got to stop telling myself. But I think your point about impermanence hits home a point that I need to hear , which might actually be the very thing that allows me to let go of my attachment to this.
Somewhere in Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now he talks about the story of a king who asks one of his disciples for something. The disciple tells him that he'll never be able to repay him for the gift, but that's ok and it will be his gift. He gives the king a ring with the inscription “this too shall pass.” He tells him that in good and bad times remember this.
As hellish as last year was for me, keeping the impermanence of everything I was experiencing in mind was essential to getting to where I'm at today. Anyways, I could ramble on and on
. Definitely one of my favorite posts you've written.
Hey beautiful.. excellent post. Although I'm not sure I agree with the idea that love is impermanent. I don't think love just 'vanishes'. I do believe however that love is the ultimate chameleon and morphs into something new on a regular basis.
Sometimes it morphs into a different 'type' of love, and sometimes it morphs into the flip side of love called 'hatred'. (Or if that's too strong, active dislike!). But I don't think that it ever really just disappears… and when you grow apart from people, while it seems like you no longer know them, those remnants of emotion are still there, pulsating gently in the background, whether we acknowledge them or not.
That said, I definitely agree nothing in this world is permanent, right down to the very life we live. So learning to embrace change is one of the key steps to evolving into a happy, satisfied person with the ability to appreciate the moment your in, rather than get stuck on the moments that passed you by or mired in the what if's of moments to come.
XoXo
C
Hell yes.
That's all.
OMG. Saw that you are coming today, and I almost wept with joy!! CAN'T WAIT! You arrive just before I leave for Chile too!!
Yes! Well hell, we go where are people are. And you are in Detroit. We really can't wait! I've told Colin and Andi how fab you are, and you'll love them, too! Can't wait!!!!!!
[...] Have.Ashley Ambirge gave me a much needed reminder yesterday that everything is impermanent and Life Isn’t as Serious As We Make it Out to be.I recently discovered a very cool blog called Thirty Two Thousand Days and [...]
that's what I'm learning a lot of at the monastery. Impermanence. Travel, by nature, and lovers, by extension are great lessons for this!! Currently accepting teachers for lessons on impermanence. bwahaha. Anyway, for anyone scared to take the plunge, consider what life would be without taking action and then what life would be if you DID take action. Chances are, your life would just go on as 'normal' without taking action, if you DO take action, prepare to learn grow, fail and fail some more. It's all part of the process, and infinitely funner and more rewarding than if you didn't work towards your goals. Trust in the process, not the outcome! The journey, not the destination
Awesome post. I need that nudge. That little kick in the butt. I'm so close to leaving the cube now it's scary. It's comfortable and that's the problem.
Great post Ashley. Reminds me a bit of the saying “No babies are dying” meaning that whatever gets thrown at you, at usually isn't that bad. Also, as a first time visitor to the site why are whiskey shots are optional?
@kaity – It's true, she did.
Thoughts on your writing in general: When I read your posts and consistently feel like they are so timely for me, then read through the comments to find I'm not the only one who feels that way, I realize that you speak so effectively of the condition of being human. You speak to the fear, the lust, the greed, and the smiles for which the rest of us lack words.
Thoughts on this post specifically: I think we should bring back the variations of love that the Greeks contemplated on. There are friends, lovers, mentors, family and we love them all differently and some people flow in and out of these areas, making love in the singly defined sense, impermanent. I'll never understand how people can just walk away from people who were once so dear you shared your innermost selves with. After investing so much in a connection, where does it all go? How can that energy shift from existence to non?
And yet it seems to, specifically if your love was founded on passion. Much more to say on this that I am not comfortable commenting on publicly, so I will leave it that
Such good advice here. We all naturally picture the worst case scenario when we are faced with a tough or scary decision. Often times, that worst case scenario will bring us right back to where we already are, so it's not a big deal at all. It really makes big decisions seem not as scary.
Inspiring and thought provoking as usual miss Ambirge.
Your posts always make me all swoony in a #blogcrush kinda way. Every time I read them I get all starry-eyed and stare at my computer in total admiration.
But moving on to the ACTUAL topic at hand – I loved this post! I read a funny quote in a Martha Beck book where she says given how inevitable loss is, it's amazing humans haven't evolved to eagerly look forward to it. Instead, we resist change and loss and mourn for what was. This post is a great reminder to enjoy our lives and our loved ones while we can every single day, and to remember that one of the only guarantees in this life is that things will change and that nothing is permanent.
Thanks for the reminder
There's something that strikes me about this post–while i completely agree with your points of impermanence and our ever-changing and lives, i have to admit i'm still stuck on the part about relationships. not because i disagree with what you're saying about their constantly evolving qualities, but rather am pondering what you say for two other reasons. yes, i too have imagined love to be where there once was but no longer was/is–but more recently, i have to admit that i have been enjoying a transitional phase into a companionship i didn't see coming my way. it's been blissful, i'll admit, but isn't every new relationship? and yes, it will change and perhaps end, but that doesn't mean it's impermanent. i have a belief that every person that comes into our lives–whether they stay in contact forever with us–or fade quickly from the forefront of our minds–every person teaches us a lesson or opens our minds to a new thought pattern, idea, hobby, book, culinary skill, etc. that we never would have learned on our own. so, perhaps, yes, love is always changing and may be impermanent in its current state but i have learned to 1. appreciate it when it comes our way, regardless of its form 2. be open to the changes it may bring 3. always carry the lessons of love–and the lessons we learn from those we love–with us because knowledge and experience are permanent in our minds 4. love is not permanent (as you've mentioned) but can instead provide a sense of stability and comfort in which you must adapt and grow with as it changes and you change.
and hey, that red wine stain is impermanent also. have you tried baking soda and water?! if not, no worries. the more you walk on it, the more faded it will become over time. either that or step on it with a big, muddy boot. then you'll have new 'carpet decor' at which you can stare…
I don't remember where I heard this, but someone once told me “There are a million planets and comets and objects out there in the solar system that all revolve around one fixed object. And you, my friend, are not that object.” Or something like that.
I remember it occasionally in situations it needs remembering in.
@Steve
I would love to sit in a room with you over countless cups of coffee (or beer) and hear all of your stories. I bet you've got some really, really good ones, my friend. The point you make here that some things are, in fact, permanent is well-received, though in more big picture terms, while you might not be able to have those exact friends back, or that exact job back, you can always make new friends, and you can always find other jobs. So while the precise person or thing may be gone permanently, the broader category is still up for grabs–know what I mean?
One thing's for sure, though–as you've commented here, it's better to risk and lose, than to always be filled with wonder about what would have happened if you had.
Great comment–thank you for taking the time to share!
@Ty
I completely empathize with your point here, but doesn't having the knowledge that we are all going to die one day or another render everything impermanent by default? With your argument, no one would ever work toward anything because they knew that it wouldn't ever last, because someday they will pass. Yet, countless numbers of people work every single day–and hard–simply to improve their quality of life now.
@Srini
A lot of people seem to go through what you describe–feeling incomplete without a significant other, or really yearning for one. Though, I think that what we really crave is that intimacy, or that human bond. The more bonds we build with others–friends, family and the like–the less we'll feel compelled to seek out that same closeness with another person. That's not to say that relationships are bad, but simply that they aren't as necessary as we sometimes make them out to be. At least, not in the short-term.
And whenever I'm experiencing a particularly difficult time, that's exactly what I remind myself: This too shall pass. It will not last forever. And I will be just fine. (Sort of the same thing I tell myself to get through a workout! ha!) And you know what? I'm always right.
@Cori
You're such an eloquent writer, even in your comments! My goodness. “…those remnants of emotion are still there, pulsating gently in the background…” Could that have been any more well- said?
I love the beauty of your comment–in the way you've written it, and in what you've written alike. Though, I think what I mean to say is more broad scope. Certainly, you can't replace people nor the emotions you once experienced for that person. That might very well be permanent. But that isn't to say that once you've experienced that particular emotion for one person–say, love–that you've now allocated your one and only love emotion. You can love many people. So while one love vanishes, there will always be another out there in the world. Know what I mean?
@Brandon
Hell yes right back at you.
@Floreta
“Trust in the process, not the outcome.” No truer words have been spoken. You briefly mentioned travel here relative to this–I think you'll be happy to hear of the newest project I'm working on. It's still a secret, but let's just say that travel + process + participants has a lot to do with it.
Couldn't agree more with what you've said here. As per usual–always super insighful!
@Rick
I truly believe that by default, we do everything because it's comfortable or easy….and that's the same reason we can never seem to feel any satisfaction. It's all about moving outside of those comfort zones. The point is that it won't be comfortable, but change won't come until you feel a little uncomfortable. I can tell you with utmost sincerity that there was once a time when I was in your place; actually, there have been many times when I've been in your place. And I don't regret making any of the moves I've made, because somehow, the universe has a way of working itself out. Everything always works itself out in the end–you make it work. The best part is that it doesn't just work out–usually, when you start to align yourself more with things/ideas/ways of life that you're passionate about, the most amazing opportunities start revealing themselves to you.
*nudge* *nudge*
Oh most definitely! I think there are so many different kinds of love, and
Love is pretty big, it leaves the field wide open in my book. 
And
that it's entirely possible to be wildly in love with more than one person.
thanks, I'm glad you enjoy my 'wordsmithing'. It mayhap come from reading
one to many romance novels in my youth! lol
XoXo
C
@Marc
Welcome to the site! You're absolutely right–I should demand whiskey shots to be taken before anyone even thinks about reading any of my posts. It'll help get them in the right frame of mind.
@Andi
That, perhaps, is the most flattering compliment I've received–thank you so much for that.
As for the love bit–I'm guessing it's a protection mechanism. I imagine that there are some who simply can't refocus their feelings, and so rather than risk being slapped in the face with them daily, they opt out of the relationship entirely as a way to protect themselves. And, I suppose you can't blame them for that. You and I are just a bunch of sappy old sentimental ladies. :p
We'll have lots to chat about during the 482910193 hours we'll be spending in the car this summer for the STATUS QUO SMACKDOWN ROADTRIP 2010, BABY!
@Nate
AWESOME point. Oftentimes, the worst case scenario is what you've already got going on. We tend to have this nagging fear that if we make one wrong move, we'll almost certainly end up out on the street, a failure. That's rarely, if ever, the case. I think if more people could assure themselves of that, they'd be far ahead of the game. Great point here. Thank you!!!
@Jenny
I cannot believe you–in the midst of publishing a BOOK (congratulations again!!!) and here you are reading my posts. I'm honored, truly.
Digging the Martha Beck thought–I suspect that since we're such social creatures that form and rely on heavy bonds, that will likely never change. And that's what I love about being human, if that makes sense. It's the emotional bonds that I form with others that breathes every drop of life into me. To have connected on a deeper level with another human being is, quite possibly, the most wonderful feeling in the world.
On that note, I have a feeling we'll have no problem doing that when we see you this summer! I cannot wait.
On another note, got your email and will be responding soon! xo
@Katie
Well hello there!
I have to say, I'm so grateful to have readers like you. The thought-provoking comments you take the time to write are always so, so inspiring, and I'm sure I speak for not only myself when I say that.
Your thoughts on love here are beautiful.
I think they're similar to what Cori mentioned below, so check out my response to that.
As for the red wine–a big muddy boot sounds like fun! Ha. I now have the urge to go play in the rain. See what you do to me?
@Elisa
I remind myself of the same thing everytime I'm in a bathing suit! :p No, Ash, not everyone is staring at your cellulite like you imagine them to be. They're worried about their own!
On a more serious note—excellent, excellent advice. Thanks for taking the time to share, my dear. Looking forward to seeing you soon in MAINE!
Just let me know when and I will put the beer in the fridge. Too bad your little tour won't take you near my neck o' the woods!
I love how you're not afraid of getting into really personal topics on TMF Ashley. You don't shy from the big stuff that everyone thinks and worries about.
Personally I'd say I struggle with this idea of impermanence and always want to hold on to good things in my life when they come around. As a result I probably get way too attached to them.
What I've learned is that when we create the space – mentally, emotionally, physically – by letting go of things that aren't good for us anymore, then it allows new stuff to come in, and sometimes, in fact often, the new stuff is something beyond what we ever expect, or what we've known before.
This can only happen though if we create that space, opening our arms with palms faced up, instead of tightly folding our arms across our chests with clenched fists and a sulky frown. Tough to do, really tough, but it always eventually pays off.
Thanks for such open writing.
I think love can be best in earing you some valuable aspects of your life which can be be achieved in normal life and that love can be any relationship in your
Make the quarterly profit, emotionally, personally, intellectually, physically. Don't be rigid about it, but keep that perspective, and re-evaluate honestly as often, with all personnel.
Ty sent me, Ash.
Ty sent me, Ash.
I hate when I post before I log in and then the log-in destroys my piquant post.
Talk about impermanence…
Make the quareterly profit: emotionally, personally, intellectually, physically. Don't be rigid about it, but keep that perspective. Then analyze honestly as often, with all personnel.
Ashely kick-ass post. You could not be more right! Of course, we've heard it many times not to take life so seriously, yet when it comes down to it, sometimes it hard not too. Especially as commitments start building up and more and more people begin to rely on us.
But in the end, sometimes we just need the balls to go after what we want. I personally tend to over-think options to death, and in the end, sometimes you gotta just DO or else you'll think yourself to the grave. And as you mentioned, if you try and it doesn't quite work out, at least you got an education. Besides, in the end, is life ever 100% how we imagined it to be.. hell no! – but that's what's cool about it
Awesome post!
[...] Ashley Ambridge’s excellent blog – The Middle Finger Project featured a great post, where she shares that love have taught her patience, compromise, dedication and intimacy. Here’s the excellent article on Life not being as serious as you make it [...]