Dear Anheuser Busch,

I’m sorry for throwing you under the bus after all of the good times we shared over the years.  Even though we must part ways, we’ll always have Freshman year.

Dear Reader,

If you’ve been hanging out here for a while, you know that topics can tend to get a little heavy.  And while big ideas are cool, over-seriousness is against my very being, and, well, sort of makes me want to vomit.  So for that reason, I’ve decided to, errr, not be serious today.  There.  That’s my disclaimer.  And look?  It wasn’t even in fine print.  Whoever said I wasn’t a good Samaritan?

Love,
Ashley

Top 25 Signs You Need to Make a Change, Gain Self-Respect and/or Say No To Busch Light

1. Two words: Facial Hair.   Ladies–I’m talking to you.

2. In anticipation for Monday morning, you nearly have a mental breakdown every Sunday night, as you hold your knees to your chest while calmly rocking back and forth, quietly humming the tune from Aretha Franklin’s “I will survive.”  This is not normal behavior, and if you are doing this, I strongly encourage you to:

a)  Seek counseling.  Get hypnotized.  Tie yourself to a chair covered in bombs, a la What About Bob.  Whatever it takes.

b)  Visit Steve Pavlina’s blog every single free moment you’ve got.  Memorize.  Repeat.

c)  Dramatically increase your consumption of red wine.  This may be the only thing I’m actually serious about in this entire post.  Except for maybe letter E.

d)  Banish all thoughts of slashing your boss’ tires–replace them with thoughts of how you can get his next conference call to “accidentally” dial into a porn hot line.  That should be amusing.

e)  Go to church; the office will seem so much more appealing thereafter.

f)  As a last resort, binge on fruit roll ups.  (What? I like them.)

3. You’re starting to wish that life had subtitles. Though, I think the real benefit to this  would occur in bed; you’d be able to translate all of your “ooohhhs” and “ahhhs”–and whatever else you people say in bed–into Italiano with the click of a button.  And how attractive is that?  Even better–the reverse.   Now anytime your lover says, “Are we almost done?” at least you’ll have no idea that you’re no good in bed.  See?  Self-respect pre-served.

4. If your lover actually does ask “Are we almost done?,” let that be another sign. A big one.   With neon orange and green flashing lights.

5. You mixup “their” & “there.” Actually, this isn’t a sign of anything except, well–you fill in the blank–but since this is my blog post & and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves, I only thought it right to include it.  I will only regret it if I ever do a post on pet peeves down the road and then I’ll be really mad that I already used such a good one here, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

6. You actually use the phrase “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

7. You’ve amused yourself for hours, sculpting a glazed ham into the likes of Rush Limbaugh.

8. You think Sean Ogle is the best thing since electric wine bottle openers.

9. Just kidding. Sean Ogle might very well be the best thing since electric wine bottle openers, which is a huge compliment.  But only because he’s going to purchase my plane ticket to Thailand. (Subliminal–or not-so-subliminal–messages can’t hurt, right?)

10. You’re still telling your mom jokes. Wait, I take that back.  I still tell your mom jokes, and refuse to believe that I need any self-respect.  Your mom jokes are just too much fun.  So is making out with random strangers.  But I digress.

11. You find yourself fantasizing over cheese whiz. Nice and slow, now, put down the can. (Note:  At first I wrote “cheese whip,” and knew something wasn’t right, but couldn’t figure out what was wrong with it.  Apparently I need to start mainlining caffeine, stat.)

12. You speed up when people pass you, and turn it into a personal challenge. If you do do this, be sure that:

a) The other person isn’t OJ Simpson.

b) Your car can actually go over 55 mph.

c) There isn’t a railroad crossing. That could get really tricky, and unless you’re Vin Diesel, I’m going to bet that things probably won’t work out.

13. Your bed sheets have cartoon characters all over them. I don’t care who you are–if you’re over the age of twelve, this is weird.  Especially if you are planning on inviting me over any time soon.  Or any other member of the opposite sex, with the exception of Avril Lavigne.  I just have a feeling she rolls like that.

14. The most fun you’ve ever had was watching George Bush get hit in the head with a shoe over and over again.

15.  Today, someone threw change into your coffee cup because they thought you were homeless. Do avoid all temptation to chase them down the street yelling, “You don’t get it!  I’m a rebel, man! Suits are for losers!”

16. Speaking of coffee, substituting real sugar for artificial sweetener in your coffee is the most adventurous thing you’ve done lately.  Man was it a rush.  (C’mon, everyone loves a good pun now and again, right?)

17. You make bets with yourself on who’s going to win American Idol, Dancing With The Stars & Lost.  Clearly Dancing With the Stars is the only one that matters.  *twiddles thumbs & whistles innocently*

18. Farmtown. Enough said.

19. You really want to purchase OnStar, just so you can have someone to talk to.

20. You’ve never experienced the magic otherwise known as Frank’s Hot Sauce.

21. You cry when the alarm clock goes off.

22. Facebook is the only reason anyone ever remembers your birthday.

23. Facebook is the only reason you ever remember anyone else’s birthday.

24. You regularly read obituaries so you know in advance where all of the good estate sales are going to be.  Or for any other reason, really.

25. The name of your blog is called “The Middle Finger Project.” Seriously, what kind of a person would name something that?

This is a continuation of an earlier post titled 33 Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Designer. You might want to read that one as well!

1. Your nickname in high school was “The Butcher;” not because of your uncanny ability to manhandle giant slabs of meat, but but because of your quick witted comebacks that verbally cut anyone to shreds who dare tried to impose their unsolicited opinion on why you should be going to school for something practical, like accounting, instead of what you wanted to study–art, philosophy, anthropology…the mating habits of bats.  Knowing you, you wanted to study all four and then some.  Okay.  Maybe the bats were an exaggeration.

2.  You’ve been known to watch TV and repeat everything said in an Italian accent.

3.  You’ve got so many things going on, you can’t understand where the hell people get the time to build a freaking imaginary Facebook farm, or why, for that matter, this would ever be appealing in the first place.  You damn well know you wouldn’t want a real farm; why would you want a fake one that can’t even provide milk, eggs and a pleasant aroma on a daily basis?  Subconscious longing to escape the rat race, perhaps?

4.  You don’t cry much–unless there is a death, or no WIFI.

5.  You love people watching, and often make up complete life scenarios about the people you see.  Since most of them are on their way to the office, you know you can’t be too far off track.  Especially when it comes to romance; after spending 80 hours a week kissing someone else’s butt, who has the time, energy or saliva required to kiss anything else?

6.  You lie awake in bed at night, your mind racing with all of the things you want to do, and how you can possibly accomplish them.

7.  You always kinda wished Crocodile Dundee were your long-lost uncle.  Especially so he could show you how to do that thing with the knife when being mugged in foreign countries.

8.  You think “freedom from societal pressures” is just as valid and, apparently, as necessary as “freedom of religion,” and think it would make for a nice amendment to the constitution.

9.  You can’t decide if plain white bed sheets fill you with zen, or fill you with boredom.

10.  You would get amusement from pouring water in your hand, making a sneeze noise and then throwing water on the back of a person’s neck on an airplane.  Then again, this might be more of a tell-tale sign that you’re an asshole.  Either way.

11.  At some point, you’ve considered how to hi-jack and better optimize the entire Avon sales operation.

12.  Even though you think Hannah Montana is a little twip, you love the lyrics to her song “Life’s What You Make It:”

Things are looking up anytime you want

All you’ve got to do is realize that

It’s under your control

So let the good times rock n roll.

13.  You’ve felt guilty about dedicating more time on a hobby that you love, instead of “important things” like balancing your checkbook.  Wait, do people still do that?

14.  Door-to-door let-me-impose-my-dogmatic-thought-on-you irritates you more than running out of Frank’s hot sauce (no?  Just me?); you view prescriptivism as about as archaic as your granny’s girdle.

15.  You giggle at those people that constantly ring the buzzer on an airplane for the flight attendant–didn’t they know to buy an obnoxiously large bottle of water, 4 packs of Twizzlers and the special edition, I-survived-the-Philadelphia-airport snuggie before boarding?  Amateurs.

16.  Most people, upon hearing the word “nomad” think “hunters & gatherers.”  You think, “wireless & where’s-the-closest-place-I-can-buy-clean-underwear?”

17.  In high school Geometry, you could never figure out the value of continually trying to prove the angles of a shape; shouldn’t we be trying to prove things that we don’t already know?

18.  If you were to have a child, this seems like a feasible option:

19.  Most people feel more liberated to have a new car; you, on the other hand, feel more trapped.

20.  You wonder if you’re normal.

21.  When playing Super Mario Brothers, you always wanted to find ways to warp to other worlds.

22.  You think the most under-recognized most awesome place in the world is the library; within those walls lies all of the collective knowledge of the human race, to date, and if you just took the time to digest it, it has the power to make you indefinitely more superhero-esque.  (Be sure not to skip Kierkegaard, Nietzsche and The Kama Sutra.)

23.  You think there’s no such thing as a rebel without a cause.

24.  There’s something about people with dreds that you admire.

25.  You’d rather bathe in cold water, fending off cockroaches than work in a Coach, Louie Vuitton or Versace store.  At least cockroaches don’t have thousands of dollars of surgically enhanced body parts that you’d rather see spent in better ways. 

26.  You’ve never been a big reader of directions.  Viva la aventura!

27.  You’d be willing to get paid in experiences.  You might already.

28.  You can think of 20 different things you can do with a sarong.

29.  On more than one occasion, you’ve thought that if given the chance, you could have helped Bob Ross, that sexy animal, rise to new heights of success.

30.  You ask the question that everyone was thinking but hesitated to ask.

31.  You’ve have to wrestle a Dream Zapper (DZ) or two.

32.  You’ve wrestled an alligator.

33.  Just kidding–enough with the Crocodile Dundee references–I haven’t even wrestled an alligator.  But I might.

What else might you do?