The 30 Easiest Ways To Make Everyone Hate Your Guts, Egg Your Car, Or Punch You In That Same Place On Your Arm Over And Over Until It Really, REALLY Hurts
1. When a coworker approaches and offers up the standard, “Oh! You got a haircut!” reply simply with, “Actually, I got all of them cut. Not just one.”
2. When a new friend invites you over for dinner, ask to use the bathroom, and then go into their closet and shit in their shoes. (Easy, right?)
3. Anytime anyone, anywhere asks what time it is, respond that it’s time for them to get a watch.
4. Make sure to say, “That’s what she said!” in response to any conversation, especially when it doesn’t make any sense and/or you’re having dinner with your Nana.
5. If a colleague approaches you, shouting about some missed deadline and waving around paperwork you literally could not care less about, you should probably inform them that you’d love to address their concerns, but you can’t hear them over their obnoxiously loud blouse and/or tie.
6. When the overwhelmed guy at Starbucks accidentally forgets to put in your extra shot of espresso or heat the milk to your perfect temperate for your latte, be sure to tear everyone in the near vicinity a new asshole before finally declaring that young people these days just don’t have any personal integrity.
7. Speak only in rhymes for an entire day. Bonus points if you have Jury Duty.
8. Next time you’re in Super Target, take a sandwich out of the deli, eat half, and then stuff the rest into a boot over in the shoe section. Be sure to leave a note inside with your Twitter handle so the employee can later show you their appreciation.
9. When walking on a crowded sidewalk and maneuvering through throngs of busy people, stop abruptly and often.
10. Next time you’re on the bus, sneeze into your hand and then wipe it on the seat.
11. If you send an email to a business at 9:00 p.m. on a Friday night, follow up again at 9:30, and then at 10:01, and then at 8:22 the next morning, (etc.) letting the emails escalate until you’re drunk off boxed wine Sunday night and typing in all caps, threatening to call your lawyer and confessing that you’ll never love again.
12. When eating dinner at a restaurant, be sure to order the soup and swish it audibly around in your mouth before swallowing loudly, belching, an proclaiming, “Oh, yeah. That’s the stuff.”
13. On Facebook, only post about terrible, heart-wrenching causes that are probably actually scams. Also, get into lots of fights about politics and religion whenever anyone posts anything.
14. When you find yourself on a crowded elevator with your sexual partner, be sure to call each other, “baby” and “honeypot” as often as possible, openly caressing each other’s genitalia on the ride.
15. Next time you give a speech, ask the audience repeatedly if they’re excited, and then insist you can’t hear them. “Are you excited? I can’t hear you! I said, ‘Are you EXCITED?!'”
16. When a blind date, over drinks, is excitedly telling you about how they had the absolute funnest time in Paris last year, run your finger around the rim of your wine glass and say, “That’s so cool! I’ve never had the funnest time in Paris, but once I did have the most fun time.” And then shit in their shoes.
17. Get your own face tattooed on your bicep.
18. Have one of those voicemail greetings that goes, “Hey! …How are you? …Oh, really? ….Cool! ….Gotcha! This is actually my message machine!”
19. Still refer to your voicemail as a message machine in daily conversation.
20. At least three times a day, bombard all of your social networking profiles with photos of the healthy vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free sugar-free guilt-free soup you made that looks like corn diarrhea.
21. When having a fight with your significant other, scream, “I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?!” repeatedly until the neighbor below you bangs on their ceiling with a broom.
22. Be that neighbor who bangs on their ceiling with a broom.
23. When standing in a really long line with lots of other people standing in the long line, be the one who crosses their arms and sighs loudly every 7.4 seconds, rolling your eyes so hard they might get stuck.
24. Every time you’re at the gym, do that weight machine where you squeeze your thighs together, and make really aggressive eye contact with anyone who will look at you.
25. Reveal too much about your personal life, (including your gallstones, bunions, and inability to find a proper mating partner for your cat) to customer service personnel, such as the girl at your apartment front desk or the cashier at the grocery store.
26. As often as possible, tell anyone who will listen how you just “forget to eat” and “just can’t stop losing weight.”
27. Promise a new sex pal risque pictures, but then repeatedly only send photos of your hairy, 76 year-old neighbor mowing his lawn.
28. If you live in a crowded apartment complex, take up the electric guitar, and practice just enough that everyone knows about your new hobby, but not so often that you actually get any good. (Pro tip: 1:38 a.m. on a Monday morning is prime time to strum those ol’ guitar strings.)
29. When you make toast, make sure to get as many toast crumbs into the butter container, and butter in the jelly jar. Clean condiments are overrated.
30. Say the words corn diarrhea, genitalia, snot, and bunions in the same blog post, and then just SHIT IN EVERYONE’S SHOES.
What are your magic tricks for getting smacked in the face? Share ’em in the comments! Let’s brainstorm, vent, and for the love of Pete, LAUGH.