1. Pull out a sheet of notebook paper to brainstorm ideas, thinking you’ve read a bunch of shit about how the visceral connection of putting pen to paper can do wonders for writer’s block.
2. Turn on a little Ke$ha to really set the tone for your power-hour idea session.
3. Bop your foot to the tune and begin writing.
4. Realize half an hour later that all you’ve managed to accomplish is scrawling “Mrs. Joseph Gordon Levitt” 48 times.
5. Check Facebook.
6. Check Twitter.
7. Refresh Facebook
8. Refresh Twitter.
9. Refresh Facebook.
10. Click on a Buzzfeed article.
11. Click on another Buzzfeed article.
12. Lather, rinse, repeat until you’ve fallen into an internet hole so deep that you’ve found yourself skimming the one about The Top 20 Male Celebrity Treasure Trails That Resemble Past Presidents or Which 1970’s Porn Film Star Is Your Soul Mate? (Spoiler: The answer is always Linda Lovelace.)
13. Drag yourself out of the vortex by your ankles, slamming your laptop shut and trying to compute how many brain cells you’ve lost.
14. Paint your nails.
15. Four times.
16. In four hours.
17. Contemplate writing a post about pick-up lines that would totally work on you, and decide if someone said, “Baby, you must be a fine glass of wine because you have great legs,” you’d initiate GO-GO-GADGET NUDITY.
18. Feel the cloud of procrastination hanging over you and melodramatically ruining your life.
19. Pluck your eyebrows in an effort to clear your mind, quickly realizing that having tiny, sparse forehead caterpillars actually makes your eyes look unsettling buggy.
20. Run to Target for sunglasses to hide said buggy eyes.
21. End up buying 3 of the exact same t-shirt in the exact same color because THEY’LL BE SO PRACTICAL WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY!
22. Drive home.
23. But take the long way.
24. Clean your kitchen floor.
25. With a toothbrush.
26. Staring at the toothbrush, realize that you sort of have a tooth ache and Google the cause.
27. Deduce you probably have a brain tumor.
28. Call your insurance company’s 24/7 nurse’s line and start the conversation, “So, Google told me I have a brain tumor…”
29. Think maybe you’ll pen a nice letter to a friend, (and somehow end up being the sort of fancypants person who pens letters), pulling out your stationary and markers.
30. Stare thoughtfully at a brown marker before becoming increasingly curious what you’d look like with a beard.
31. Draw a beard on your face with brown marker.
32. Bask in your innate handsomeness.
33. Hear the doorbell.
34. Realize you’ve made a terrible mistake.
35. Act nonchalant about your fake facial hair when accepting a package from UPS.
36. Sit cross-legged on the floor and tear open the package, finding a surprise present from a friend.
37. Decide you need to write them a thank you.
38. Stare at the brown marker again.
39. Draw on a fake unibrow.
40. And mutton chops.
41. For good measure.
42. Regret nothing.
43. Decide you need a nickname.
44. Text all your friends, informing them that from now on, they should only refer to you as “The Revolution.”
45. Literally slap yourself across the face, shouting at your empty apartment that you NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER.
46. Pack up all your stuff to head to your favorite coffee shop, thinking a change of scenery will do you some good.
47. Catch your reflection in the mirror and decide you need a shower first.
48. Or maybe a bubble bath.
49. And to shave your legs.
50. And put on lipstick.
51. And straighten your hair.
52. And try on every article of clothing in your closet, even the jeans that are two sizes too small because you’re saving them for that imaginary time when maybe you can suck in enough to get them zipped.
53. Flex your arm muscles in the mirror.
54. Clean out your closet.
55. Flex your arm muscles in the mirror again.
56. Haul the garbage bags of old clothes out to your car.
57. Donate them to a local shelter.
58. Feel smug as fuck.
59. Go to the coffee shop, but realize it’s already the afternoon and all their craft beers are $3.00.
60. Order one beer, just to calm your nerves.
61. Revel in the new-found creativity.
62. Accidentally get day drunk on a Wednesday when you impulsively decide that if one chocolate stout spurs your creativity, four chocolate stouts will make you a damn genius.
63. End up talking to Wilbur, the 78 year-old data analyst, about what it means to find true love.
64. Order a bratwurst wrapped in a pretzel.
65. Think about the small jeans.
66. Dip the bratwurst in queso.
67. Decide you’re whatever the opposite of a foodie is.
68. Drip queso on your keyboard.
69. Shamelessly lick it off.
70. Decide the only thing that would go better with the queso is your warm bed.
71. Close down shop.
72. Curtsy on the way out, despite wearing pants.
73. Walk home.
74. Open your laptop.
75. Write a damn post about it, and hope that it comes off as endearingly self-aware, and not like you’re a total asshat incapable of ANY GOOD IDEAS.
What are your favorite procrastination techniques, you hooligans?! REVEAL YOUR SECRETS in the comments!