When Being in Control is a Disservice
Me & Andi, in Portland, Maine--our first stop for the Status Quo Smackdown Roadtrip 2010
I’ve got little patience for excuses.
I proactively call myself out whenever I catch myself making excuses in order to either procrastinate or invent reasons why I shouldn’t put myself out there.
Why?
Because sometimes, putting yourself out there is nail-bitingly, blood-curdingly, will-drive-you-to-drink, flat-out terrifying at times. It’s far easier to continue doing what we’ve always done, or to take the easier route, than it is to risk our pride, financial stability and comfort in knowning what to expect on a day to day basis. Risk invites the prospect of humiliation, self-doubt, uncertainty, instability, and often far more work than we imagined.
But on the flip side, risk also invites some highly attractive prospects: self-fulfillment, self-confidence, personal growth, professional growth, exhilaration, excitement, and much hotter sex, of course. You don’t think the kama sutra was created by play-it-safers, did you?
Essentially the primary difference between risk takers and non risk takers is a matter of control; risk-takers are okay with not having it at all times, while non-risk takers tend to need it more.
Risk means uncertainty. Uncertainty means loss of control. But the big question here is: What does loss of control mean?
If we assume that oftentimes, risk is avoided in order to avoid loss of control, then it’s important to analyze why loss of control is so greatly feared.
Must we have control at all times? What are the consequences if we don’t?
Naturally, for each person the answer to the latter will vary, but examining that answer is the only way we can move toward taking more risks. Truly ask yourself: What’s the worst that could possibly happen? Oftentime, the worst that could happen isn’t nearly as bad as we build it up in our minds to be, and by looking at it through a more rational lens, we can reduce our fears, stop making excuses and start taking action.
Risky Roadtrips
As many of you know, I recently embarked on a cross-country roadtrip with fellow bloggers Colin Wright of Exile Lifestyle and Andi Norris of Instigationology.
To start, there are a million other things I could be doing this summer that would be safer alternatives, guaranteed to provide me with a more steady income and the assurance that I’ll be able to pay my bills on time.
And to many people, safe is appealing. At times, safe is appealing to me, too. Safe is warm. Safe is welcoming. Safe is familiar. Safe is reassuring.
And while those things are pleasant–sometimes imperative–the opposite of safe can be just as appealing, and even more so. It’s called vulnerability.
Being vulnerable allows us to greet new experiences with the tender innocence and openness necessary to grow. To allow ourselves to be taught. To grant ourselves the right to not know, and to be okay with it. To recognize when discomfort is in our best interest.
And for me, this roadtrip is doing just that: It’s making me vulnerable in a number of ways, and I’m allowing it to, because I believe that the benefit of taking the risk will far outweigh the benefit of feeling secure.
As always, it comes down to priorities.
And right now, mine favor the value of experience over security.
If you’re interested in learning more about our trip and finding out where you can meet up with us, visit www.waybelowstatusquo.com for our itinerary. So far, we’ve completed our Portland, Maine stop and will be leaving Philadelphia tomorrow to head to D.C. The purpose of the trip was to meet readers, have the opportunity to put faces to names, and serve as a conduit to bring like-minded folks together. So far, we’ve been thrilled with the turn-out, and hope to see you in your closest city! Visit the live blog for the most up-to-date information on what we’ve been up to, and where we’ll be, or follow me on Twitter: @TMFproject.
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Filed Under: Life Inspiration • Lifestyle Design • Travel Related
About the Author: Ashley Ambirge is the sarcastic, brash, hot-sauce-addicted founder of The Middle Finger Project, where she gives the evil eye to mediocrity, fervently questions societal assumptions, and aims to inspire readers to flip a cordial bird to the shoulds, and live how they want.
Whiskey shots strictly optional.
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LOL – you've given me a laugh and made me want to take even more risks. Thank you!
I particularly like the hotter sex part…. But the rest of the benefits of taking risks are good too… I'm realizing I need to take more risks in my business, actually – to put myself out there more and make things happen…
As a native of the country that created the Kama Sutra, I would say we need look back and study history after the manual was written so we can see WTF happened and why Indians are no longer known for hot sex. Hell our parents never even have the sex talk with us. We wrote the manual, but then we've played it safe for the last couple hundred years. Granted, I'm definitely a risk taker in ever sense of the word. Great stuff as always and looking forward to your contributions to the Flightster blog
Just finished my first post for flightster on Portland! Colin will be sending it on over.
Kama sutra!!!! The end.
lol yes you sold me on the hotter sex part. Also thanks for helping me realize that stretching the bounds of my comfort zone doesn't have to be as neurotic of a mental process as it is currently. Thats thanks to this great line: “It’s making me vulnerable in a number of ways, and I’m allowing it to,” I can invite vulnerability and risk into my life, and allow myself to experience it. That would be a bit better than focusing on how I've lost my safety blanket and whether or not I'll survive without it.
“I can invite vulnerability and risk into my life, and allow myself to experience it.“
So true, Lynn – love how you put it!
Agree with ya as usual. I really enjoyed out conversation the other night about this kind of stuff. The uncertainty is scary, but it's also kind of addicting and exciting. And you definitely made the right choice to go on this road trip. I mean, hell, you got to meet me.
glad to see you growing through your own experiences…we live in a world where people work hard for a comfortable and secure life, what many don’t realize is that they are searching for a beautiful imprisonment. Security can only be found in the known and comfortable. The problem with the known is that after a while it becomes monotonous then miserable.
We have to deeply understand..not logically but with our whole being..our guts.. that life is not secure…cannot be secure, life is dynamic not mechanical. Be a student of life, seek understanding not knowledge, gaining more knowledge just makes you more certain and comfortable….learn to trust and feel what’s going on inside you, that is an intelligence that has a knowing for the new and unknown. Thinking too much keeps you stuck in the past, because all your mind can do is search through old memories…glad to see you following your gut…listening and moving with your heart you will fall many times because you just want to experience the unknown, doesn’t matter if it’s pleasant or not. But each time you fall, you get up and become stronger…these are the experiences in which you really grow.
When you follow it, be prepared that it will also take you into what you perceive as wrong. This is life the only way you know what right is, is by experiencing the wrong. Too many people live their lives only by what other people or religion tell them is the right way to live. Living like this you are not able to move, because something wrong might happen. Anything that is not based on your experience, learn to accept it only hypothetically.
Take care and good luck with the rest of your road trip…let me know if you ever come to asia this year or the next…
Uncertainty makes you feel more alive… that's why I love to travel so much.
Get out of your comfort bubbles folks there's a big world out there. And everyone else is just as scared as you.
Great blog.
Joel
certain = the finite, predictable, performed, programmed, automated world. Zero space for magic, the unknown, creativity, chaos and infinity. Great post Ash!
Being in control = overrated.
Uncertainty causes growth 100% of the time.
I think it takes some balance. Being in “risky” situations continually can wear on you. PTSD comes from that. Being safe all the time and never taking a risk means you become lazy and, generally, bored with life.
To live a maximum life, you need to take risks and sprinkle in some safe. I would lean toward the risk side, but not too strongly. Risk is great, but free diving from a plane at three thousand feet over Manhattan may be going too far!
Enjoy your trip! Let us know what's going on.
I'm finding it quite difficult to work out which category I fall into. Hell yeah, I'm a big risk-taker, but I'm not sure I ever feel like things are out of my control. Maybe I'm getting control and confidence confused.
I kiteboard; I perform scary tricks in the middle of the ocean attached to a big wind-catching kite. Objectively, I can't possibly be fully in control of that sort of situation; but arming myself with as much training and experience as possible means I have the confidence to know that I'll more than likely be able to handle whatever's thrown at me. Apart from sharks. I have no plan for an encounter with a shark!
that's a crazy topic – because I luv to be in control in general. there are only a few exceptions when I want to let go of it, but that rarely happens. But I agree, value experience over security. You have a short time on this exciting planet, and saving for tomorrow seems foolish. I remember this one:
If you are in control, you are not going fast enough ;=)
Kick-ass on your road trip !!
Fortunately I lost my mind long ago and so I am completely out of control
Hey Ash,
I love this – “You don’t think the kama sutra was created by play-it-safers, did you?” Hahaha. So true!
You're absolutely right when you say that we should do things that scare us but to also have what we need in the worst-case scenario to feed our insecurity. But, once you have that figured out, it's important not to come up with all the other excuses, but to have faith in ourselves and take the risk.
I hope you are having a wonderful time with Colin and Andi on your adventures. You're making memories that will last throughout your life – and that's more important than earning money to pay the bills. You can do that at any time.
Thanks,
Karen
Karen-
We're all here in the car and I just read the last part of your comment aloud to Colin & Andi–we're all “awwww!” -ing over here. Thank you for that! Fortunately (or quite possibly, unfortunately) Colin is a video camera nazi and is documenting virtually EVERYTHING, so it'll be a great way to look back later and appreciate the trip.
Hope you're well!
@Jonny
Good–it'll be easier to convince you to walk the aisle with me then.
@Mars
Love the quote–if you're in control, you aren't going fast enough. Marking that one down in the books, my friend!
Control feels nice, but I do think that there are times when we'd benefit from letting go of it and seeing what happens. Ha–that could be a dangerous experiment, couldn't it? Disclaimer: This does not apply to using protection. :p
@Tammy
The best part about having confidence is that you're usually more apt to be willing to risk losing control in the name of a potentially larger reward. It sounds like for you, the reward that is the exhilaration, satisfaction and happiness you derive from kite boarding is worth the risk. For others, though, sometimes it's too easy to let the possible negative outcomes (which are slim) dictate their decision to engage in an activity or not. Unfortunately, it becomes easy to miss out on life really quickly that way.
Go you!
And welcome to the site.
@Steve
Agreed! I want this post to speak more to those who are craving to take one big risk that they've been wanting to take, but haven't been able to get over the fear to do so. Too much risk and you're just a hazard to yourself–everything in moderation. Unless, of course, we're talking about Latin men, in which case I say bring it on! :p
Did I just say that?
@Joel
Boo-yah! I think the issue is that for many people, growth is underrated. So many people are content remaining stagnant in the name of comfort, but fail to appreciate all of the incredible benefits of self-growth: Boosts in self-confidence, feelings of happiness, more knowledge, and the potential to find paths that never might have revealed themselves otherwise, that can lead to all sorts of other new opportunities. When that happens, life seems more like a big, exciting adventure, rather than a daunting routine.
Uncertainly causes growth 100% of the time, indeed. Love it. I should get that tattooed in an inappropriate place or something. :p
@MAD
Isn't it sad that there seems to be a real lack of regard & respect for what you've named here–the unknown, creativity, chaos–in terms of careers and business? The system would prefer us to be robot-like because our conformity best serves the interests of big business.
A little off topic, but instantly what popped into my mind!
@Joel
Thanks, man! Welcome to the site–always love seeing new faces.
I believe that travel is the single, number 1 most effective way to experience personal growth. Escaping the familiar has incredibly profound benefits that we can't possibly recognize until we take that leap. With you on that!
@Ivan
It's official: You get the award for comment of the year.
You've brought up so many valuable points here, and I truly hope that readers take the time to read through it–particularly where you talk about thinking too much keeping you stuck in the past, since your mind can only search through old memories. The insight there is far more profound than we can imagine.
There's something to be said for the beauty of illogicality.
Thank you SO much for taking the time to contribute. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your thoughts!
@Nate
I agree- having the chance to meet you kicked this roadtrip off to an incredible start! Thank you so much for coming out to meet us. It was fantastic!
I know what you mean about wanting people to take that leap to a life they have always dreamed of. I want the same thing.
Yo Hablo poquito!
Ah never mind. I could be your grandfather, that and my wife would kill me!!! 
Exactly on topic… YeS, it is sad…and then I wonder does the robot-like world give us an opportunity to stand out with a disrupt to the pattern? Is that why we're here, to re-set the tracks? Would explain why it can sometimes be exhausting, those tracks can be damned heavy sometimes – specially those ones that are dug deep into the ground… gotta get 'em before they create tentacles.
Cheers to the re-routers!
@Lynn
You know, I've discovered that it's more difficult to actually become homeless or “not survive.” We're so good at building up all of these worst-case scenario images–likely as a form of protecting ourselves–but so often it's that same mechanism that does just the opposite, and hurts us instead.
You must have faith in knowing that no matter what happens, everything WILL work itself out in the end. It might take a bit of hard work on your end, but it's rare that situations end up devastating. It will all work out in the end, even if things seem gloomy now. It's part of the ebb and flow of living.
At the very least, being in uncomfortable positions–be it financially, emotionally, etc.–serves as one of the best self-development tools out there. You will inevitably be better off for it.
Let me know if I can help.
@Srini
Why is it that you and I always end up in sex talks like this? :p I cannot wait until we get to L.A., though they've warned me that the water is rather chilly! Should be interesting. Whooo!
Yeah, we've had a ridiculous summer, no opportunity to ditch the wetsuits yet. Hopefully that will change when you get here.
@Jess
Proactivity is underrated – coming up with ideas and following through on them is so incredibly powerful. I like to think of it more as an experiment–whenever there's a big risk involved, I always remind myself that best case scenario, it works out really well…..and worst-case? I just go back to doing what I was doing before. Nothing is permanent.
Thanks for stopping by to comment! What type of business do you run?
I really like the idea of thinking of it like an experiment like that… I'm going to have to start applying that, I think it would take the overwhelm and paralysis out of a lot of it for me.
I am a web/graphic designer.
I love your road trip! Glad I was a minor character in it
[...] When Being in Control is a Disservice | the middle finger project [...]
I speak fluent control freak, or so I'm told
Already this road trip has been a big lesson in letting go. I'm writing this comment more to remind you to reread this post right now…
LOVE YOU!
Well I'm a self-professed control freak for the most part, but I agree sometimes you have to let it go in order to live. Life is meant to be lived, enjoyed, savored, and experienced. Holding to tightly to the reins gets in the way of all that, and I'd be the first to agree! I'm almost painfully shy at times, and because of that I tend to hang on a little tighter than I should.. and end up wishing I'd let go a little more and really LIVED. Then there are times where I've done just that, and been amazingly happy and content with things.
A pickle to be sure! lol
Going Kitty Wompass here…lovin' this post.
I had a brawl with trying to control everything in this summer. I left a job 1000 miles away to take another one in a much cooler city. Fortunately my money started acting funny and I had problems getting things done. Plus the job I wanted so bad didn't seem to be what I was really looking for. Plenty of social recognition if I took the job, but very little personal freedom for me. Cubicle Nation…or Plantation.
Hence, I let it all go and decided to live a minimalist life, which I'm doing now. Changed my diet to mostly fresh veggies/fruit. Got rid of most of my stuff. Started writing again and reading books. Plan on spending a year traveling around the globe doing nothing but exploring my creativity and helping other people do the same. I was going to apply for a PhD in 18 months, but what's the rush? I can do it at 50 years old if I feel like it.
I feel a lot better now even though my family thinks I'm crazy. But hey, at least I don't have to report to a job I hate so that I can consume and sleep through episodes of Friends re-runs. Ah how I don't miss that life.
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