There’s No Such Thing as The Committee of True & Actual Greatness™

IN: Confidence, Lady Balls, Life, Success

  You know what’s the absolute worst? Waiting in at the doctor’s office. There’s a lot of anxiety around that, am I right? Nobody likes waiting at the doctor’s office because we all secretly think that the doctor’s just sitting behind a closed door somewhere, doing wheelies in an office chair, watching the minutes churn past with glee as they browse the latest in cutting edge gardening techniques while the rest of us waste away huddled together in

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Success Isn’t More Deserved When It’s Hard . . . BRAH

IN: Hard Stuff, Life, Success

Can we talk about the fact that today is February 2nd? How is it February the 2nd already? Am I eighty hundred years old yet? Because time seems not to be going my way. (Though a friend did recently compliment me on my skin, however that was only because she didn’t see my neck. Is this the decade in which we slowly descend upon a dysfunctional, passive-aggressive relationship with turtlenecks?) Speaking of time, you ever notice that when you’re away

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So This One Time I Thought I Had Breast Cancer—And The Doctor Was a Huge D*ck

IN: Finding Your Voice, Hard Stuff, Lady Balls, Life

So today I placed my boobs into a giant, hospital-grade George Foreman grill and held my breath as the nurse to the X-ray. Let me tell you what, there is nothing quite like hoisting the flesh of your nipple onto a cold metal surface while a stranger watches. I mean, they’re definitely judging you. If not the size of your areolas, your dexterity. They’re there tapping their foot while you’re fuddling along with some necklace that never effing clasps when you want

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UNF*CKWITHABLE BOSS: Red Hot, Brand New, Business Development & Refinery Program. Now Open for Enrollment!

IN: Branding, Business 101, Clients, Communication, Confidence, Creating, Hard Stuff, Life, Marketing, Money Talk, Productivity, Selling, Success, Writing

Hang onto your pumpkin loafs! (By which I mean, eat all the pumpkin loaf and then get yo’ glasses on, because there’s big news in the house today.) My brand-new business mentorship program has just rolled up in a Cadillac and is currently swigging vodka before making its debut onto the red carpet. It’s called UNF*CKWITHABLE BOSS, and it’s here to change the face of modern work forever. Unconventional name? Check. Unconventional purpose? Double check. If you’ve been thinking about striking

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Women Don’t Learn How to Be Strong & Confident & Brave in Home-Fucking-Ec.

IN: Confidence, Life

  Once upon a time, I to Home Ec in high school, which is hilarious, because based on tweets like these, I must have failed: I tweeted that out a couple of days ago after Googling “How to trick your mother-in-law into thinking canned tomato sauce is homemade,” which inevitably led me into chopping, like, four fucking onions with a butter knife and spooning an entire cup of sugar into the pot, because if a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine

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To the Woman With the Fake Smile: Stop It, You Fucking Pigeon

IN: Creating, Creativity, Life, Success

Can we all just stop, already? Stop apologizing. Stop saying sorry. Stop shrinking into some small little ball-less version of yourself—you know, so you don’t make all the other ball-less twats feel uncomfortable. Or risk offending somebody. Or do something controversial. Or doing all of that and then totally screwing it up and feeling stupid. God forbid. I’m sick and tired of it. I’m sick of seeing you hesitate. Second guess yourself constantly. Smile weakly. FUCKING WILT. You’re wilting away

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Is Your Life *Actually* a Good One? Can You Even Decide? What Does Good Even MEAN These Days?

IN: Confidence, Life, Success

It’s hilarious, really. You spent the first twenty years of your life worrying what the f*ck you were suppose to do on this planet—with your ONE BIG PRECIOUS LIFE that every other poster won’t shut up about—only to spend the next twenty years wondering if you did it right. Because, did you? Was this what life was suppose to lo like? Did you do it right? Pass the test, check the box, score the A? Like, is your life

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For a Long Time I Secretly Worried: What If I Was Screwing Everything Up?!

IN: Confidence, Life, Success

  We’re on a transatlantic flight to London. I just bite into the kind of sausage one should never bite into, and now that we’re exactly 552 miles away from our destination, I realized that my eyes were less than sprightly and my hair loed like Fiona fucked a bird’s nest. So I did what any resourceful woman on a transatlantic flight to one of the most fashionable cities in the world might do: I brushed it. With a toothbrush.

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“Ding, Ding, Ding! You Can Have Fun Now!” <—The Universe Is Never Going to Send You This Email, Yo

IN: Hard Stuff, Life, Success

I’m going to England tomorrow. By which I mean I’m stepping inside a long metal torpedo and sitting my fat ass down on some murky blue pleather for an exact distance of 5,429 miles across a cold, dreary ocean that always makes me wonder things I shouldn’t ever wonder. Like: Would I actually remain calm in case of THE BIG EVENT, like I think I would? Would I place my oxygen mask a top my bouncy little cheeks, knowing exactly

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We Desperately Need to Learn How to Be Mothers to Ourselves

IN: Creating, Hard Stuff, Life

New life rule: If your mother is dead, DO NOT GET ON FACEBOOK ON MOTHER’S DAY. Not that it’s not pleasant to see the resemblance between every friend I’ve ever made and the woman that birthed her (THOSE EYES! THEY LOOK LIKE SISTERS!), but when you don’t have anyone to celebrate, and you’re not a mother yourself, you can end up feeling like everyone is having Christmas without you. In other words: Where the f*ck are my banana pancakes? Which is

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On Getting Old, Having No Idea How to Make a Soufflé & Consciously Choosing to Do What You WANT.

IN: Hard Stuff, Life

It’s 2:42 in the morning and the reason I’m awake is called CHARDONNAY. People talk about getting old—buying crock pots, nonchalantly cutting your spouse’s armpit hairs, relating to The Golden Girls than The Gil Girls—but they do not prepare you for the one thing that will change your life even than tiny packets of GrillMates: Insommeliernia. Which is obviously an evil-adult-spelling-bee hybrid of “insomnia” and “sommelier,” which if I’m being honest I still really don’t know how to pronounce. (Note to

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You Don’t Have to Run Some Big, Cheesy Sale to Do Well

IN: Life, Selling, Success

Picture it: Your d ones are sitting around roasting chestnuts on an open fire, while you’re hunched over the (pumpkin-pie-greased) keyboard, biting your fingertips and worrying whether or not you’ll have enough money to pull through to January. But what if you didn’t have to run some humongous holiday sale? What if you didn’t have to put ALL the pressure on yourself? What if you could make a few small changes and have it double your revenue in December-so January

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Please, Don’t Get Hard (Even When Life Is)

IN: Hard Stuff, Life

So, I’m standing there at this bakery in Costa Rica, trying not to order the things one orders at a bakery, because if I order bakery-like things from this bakery, I might as well give my stomach pooch full on permission to never, ever fucking go away. And then what will become of me? Forget the fear of becoming a cat lady; I’m far terrified of becoming an angry, bitter old wench who could never stand to lo at

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On Not Allowing: A Message for When You’re Feeling Whiny

IN: Life, Success

“Just to let you know,” the massage therapist warned over the phone, “I’m blind.” She arrived to my house by taxi, and as she pulled up, she loed out the glass toward me as if she could see me…even though she could not. The art of the gesture stunned me. “Hello!” I greeted, wanting to be helpful without being condescending—a I wasn’t sure how not to cross. As she exited the car, the taxi driver—a shy, round thirty-something man

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When You’re Scrappy, You Don’t Give a Sh*t

IN: Confidence, Hard Stuff, Life

I like the term scrappy. I’ve always pictured some femme fatale bobbing and weaving and diving and  into any number of ways to get the one and only job done that she’s there to do: Win. It reminds me of my favorite Will Smith quote (oh, you don’t have a favorite Will Smith quote?) “The only thing that I see distinctly different about me is I’m not afraid to die on a treadmill. I will not be out worked, period. You might

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Remember When Life Was Easy? BECAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T.

IN: Life

I used to know how to dress myself. Or at least, I used to know how to put on pants before putting on my shoes, because apparently when you make the decision to PUT A SHOE WITH A GIGANTIC SPIKE on your foot before you put your pants on, you spear a giant hole right through your pant leg. Remember when life was easy? Because I don’t. Because this is just one example of how I’m old now. And ain’t

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A Story for the Downtrodden, Destitute, Distressed & Despaired

IN: Confidence, Life

I come from what you’d call a humble background. I grew up in rural poverty in the poorest county of Pennsylvania, where we hung out at stone quarries and had the first day of hunting season off from school. We lived in a gold and white trimmed mobile home I was horrified of, and I would purposely walk the long way around the block to the bus stop so the other kids wouldn’t know where I lived. (They did.) My mom

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There Are Much More Interesting Things You Can Be Doing With Your Time Besides Answering Some Nitwit’s Email

IN: Life

There I was, minding my own business, going about life as usual: Wondering how to substituting vodka for water, telling lies to small children (actually the boogieman will beat your ass) and thinking horrible things about other people. And then I flew to Guatemala last week. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Guatemala, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you probably haven’t thrown on a poncho and andale-ed on down recently.

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Because You Don’t Want to Show Up At The Pearly Gates With a Big Ass Moral Hangover.

IN: Life

The phrase is simple: Goma moral. Here, where I am in Costa Rica, it translates into “moral hangover,” and you’ve got one if you stayed out too late, drank too much, said something you regret, or acted in any way irresponsibly the day before…and you feel guilty as sin. Forget the physical hangover; the moral one is the one that’ll get you. The one that hijacks early-morning positivity and manhandles it right into the trunk of a Caddy, causing you to wonder

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Job Searching: Extending Your Cupped Hands & Hoping Someone Takes Mercy.

IN: Confidence, Life

“Land of the free, home of the brave” should really have some fine that reads, “as long as you stick your tail between your legs, binge drink at baseball games and lo the other way.” As a population of people horrified with the slave practices of the past, it’s a bit ironic that most go through life participating in a slave practice of the present. As a society based on ‘time is money,’ they’ve got you by the balls.

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Slow Down, Sign Your Name With Gorgeous Intention & FEEL.

IN: Life

Today would have been her 70th birthday.  I’m wearing her gold aquamarine ring. I’m wearing it to remember to be gentle, to slow down, and to offer every stranger who ever sets foot in your house the biggest Italian bread sandwich known to man. To garden always (or at least try), to worship tomatoes, and to write fancy sick notes for my future children (complete with pressed flowers and calligraphy pens). To see the best in the cranky gas station

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You Are Not a 7-Eleven.

IN: Life, Marketing

“People need to understand what the fuck BUSINESS HOURS mean. I’m not 7-eleven, folks. I am not. If I wanted to be, I’d just run a 7-eleven. Big Gulps all the fuck around.”– Got that e from a frustrated business owner yesterday. I laughed so hard I almost spit wine on my bed. (I said almost. You know I wouldn’t be that wasteful. And yes, I DRINK WINE IN BED.)– Raise your hand if…you’re running yourself ragged trying to please fifty

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You Know You Need a Change When…

IN: Life

The year I tried to juggle 1,407 balls in the air and still be nice to strangers in the super market taught me an important lesson: Busy isn’t a synonym for happy. Full doesn’t mean fulfilled. And people are pushy assholes in at the i counter. All of us are busying ourselves to death—sometimes quite literally—and the parade has got to stop. Are we really so strapped for time we need to be composing es on the toilet? Dear

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You Think The Stakes Are High Now? Please.

IN: Life

I wonder about people. Specifically about the 50-something woman speaking softly at the table next to me, telling another woman how she desperately wants to go abroad—because, verbatim, it would be the opportunity of a lifetime—but… And her words trail off. JUST LIKE HER DREAMS. Kidding. Dramatic doesn’t lo good on me. But, really. What are all these buts holding everyone hostage?  I want to start a business but… I know I need to end the relationship but… I know

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When Faith Has an Affair And Walks Out On You–And Doesn’t Even Have the Decency to Look Back.

IN: Confidence, Life

My mother had severe anxiety disorder. Diagnosed. Verifiable. Psychiatry level. She’d sit in the living room, what iffing life as it passed her by out the window. What if that check doesn’t come? What if that bill is high this year? What if I can’t go? What if it snows that day? My 16-year old go-to response was always, “Mom, everything’s going to work out. Everything always does in the end. Don’t worry.” And at the time, I truly believed it. Whether

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9 Things Everyone Needs to Know About Success, Reality & Being Human.

IN: Life

 There’s a strong possibility I’ll be diagnosed with systemic lupus on August 15th. (Update: I didn’t. In fact, I’m healthier than ever. Blood tests are crafty little fuckers, huh?) My latest bo proposal was rejected. I had to fire an employee yesterday because she neglected to get a client contract signed. I ignore friends and people I care about because I don’t have the mental energy to keep up with everyone. In fact, I have 64 unopened personal messages–and

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