The Blog

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A Tearful Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. I flew from Ecuador to Chile on Friday so I could spend my birthday with my best girl friends in the whole wide world. Sure enough, they surprised me in the airport with glittery welcome back posters, prompting me to scream like a hyena. I had no idea they were coming. […]

In: Life,

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YOU F*cking Press Two! Or, 26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed.

26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed: Pet Peeve Edition Those heathens who stand on the left side of the escalator. What are we, savages? What the fuck is airplane mode? Socially illiterate jack offs who don’t pick up on the verbal cue that I WANT TO GET OFF THE PHONE. Unauthorized double dippers. Forms that make […]

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1,754

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On My Red Hot, Sinfully Sexy Affair.

  I’m currently gnawing on a big, squishy, ripe red tomato. Right now. As I type this. I’m forking salty chunks into my mouth as I hope (but not pray–I’m pretty bad at that) that tomato seed juice doesn’t dribble all over my keyboard. Before my current lusty, red hot tomato affair, I was getting […]

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An Open-Handed Slap On The Ass

Darling – I just wanted to send out a dirty little love note telling you that YOUR WORK IS HOT. YOU ARE HOT. AND YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO GET HOTTER. Blind faith is sexy. Get some. BE SOMEBODY. Love and a Tuesday slap on the ass, Ash

In: Life,

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1,514

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Need a Quick Laugh? Here You Go. (Open Me, Jerk!)

Before I explain the origins of this remarkable photo, I’m pretty sure we should think up some awesome captions together. I’ll go first. Anything but Donkey Kong! Too many boobs! Stop tickling me, Rudolph! Father Time eats his first pot brownie. Protesting razors since 1000 B.C. Don’t ask me why I have the need to […]

In: Life,

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How to Lose Your Dignity in 10 Minutes Flat.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Costa Rica, but contrary to what you may think, one of the greatest things here is not the beach. Oh no. Definitely not. Nor is it the men. Or the fishing. Or the pineapple that I bragged about eating the other day. In reality, quite possibly the […]

In: Life,

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