Category: Online Marketing

Only the Ordinary Can Easily Define Themselves. You? You’re Another Story.

Not being able to easily define what you do isn’t necessarily bad. Easily definable things are things that have been done so much, we know exactly how to categorize them. Name them. Label them. Sort them. So if what you want to create is just another X, then great. You’ll be able to define it with ease. But if you’re having trouble calling a spade a spade, maybe that’s because you don’t have a spade. And maybe that’s a good

What if My Customers Aren’t All the Same? How Do I Appeal to Multiple Targets? It’s called Positioning (And for Once I’m Not Talking About the Kama Sutra)

SELLING YOUR STUFF TO OTHER HUMANS IS HARD. (Caps required.) It’s hard for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is because nobody really knows what to say. We’re all filled with a million different ugly little self-doubts floating around our nervous little brains. What should the headline say? Do I emphasize this feature or that one? What’s going to really hook ’em? Will they think the price is too high? Most people who have a business,

“But How The $&%* Do I EXPLAIN What I’m Selling?”

You know how when you go to talk about something you’re selling (a class, a product, an idea…) and you’re all, “BUT HOW DO I EXPLAIN THAT?” (Cue brainstorm hangover.) Things are always so much easier to understand in your head, aren’t they? After all, YOU know what you’re selling. YOU know how great it is. YOU know that X, Y and Z works. So, why is it so hard to talk about? The first reason is because words are

How to Market an Unsexy Product, Become #1 On TripAdvisor & Quadruple Your Profits

I hate fish. Don’t eat it. Don’t like it. And definitely don’t want to smell like it. This is why I never understood why the fish gods picked ME to get even with. Because they did, those fish gods. They wanted a human to torture, and they picked this one. The girl who would never hurt a fly fish. They cursed me, alright. It all started in 1994 when my dad forced me to put on a giant pair of

Moron Shoes With Holes In Them: What Makes Somebody Buy Something…Or Not?

You know those little moron shoes with the holes in them? Those plastic clog looking things that look like the most repulsive foot trend known to man? I’ve always been shocked those shoes gained any footing in the marketplace. *Insert shit-eating grin* But, really. If you’re spending good money to put this neon green bucket on your foot, for example, they must be doing something right. (Though I have a very hard time believing this trend would have ever caught

You Can’t Sell Tickets to The Titanic if You’re Marketing it as a Rowboat

Like it or not, people do judge a book by its cover. And that cover happens to include the words on the front. There’s a palpable difference between the words, “hire me” versus “engagement fees.” There’s also a difference between “buy now” and “apply now.” (Even though those “apply now” snobs drive me insane.) And there’s a difference between, “Cost: $5,000” and “Cost: $1,000 deposit to get started today.” People spend so much time painstakingly slaving over their business models,

Clear vs Clever Copywriting is a Big, Fat, Bloated Myth (And a Scapegoat for Subpar Writers)

I’m a very dirty writer. Not Fifty Shades of Grey dirty, but dirty in the way that I put sentences, thoughts, ideas together. My process is wild. Sexy. Free. Undomesticated. And while I wish the reason were because I’m just such a clay-faced, crochet-bra-top-wearing, sun-worshipping bohemian soul (I am laughably not), rather, it’s because I know something you don’t know about the written word: It’s only as brilliant as its process. If your process is tame, commonplace, average, pedestrian…then the

So, People Suck at Talking to Each Other

People suck at talking to each other. I’ve thought about this post for days now, and turns out? That’s my grand epiphany. My big, profound opening line. As a professional communicator & copywriter, trained linguist, PR expert and author of that filthy blog, “The Middle Finger Project” (my hooligan credentials), I get paid to say the right thing. (Come to think of it, men should really hire me to ghostwrite their apologies.) While I may be more skilled than the

It’s Never About What You’re Selling. And Always About What They’re Buying. There’s a Difference.

Anytime I’ve seen a man in khaki, I’ve thought horrible things about his package. Maybe because they remind me of grandfathers. Or maybe because they remind me of Mr. Rogers. Either way, no female has ever wanted her boy friend to look like a boy scout. Khaki spells uptight. Conservative. Narrow-minded. Bourgeois. Which is why I was startled by how much I liked him. He came whirling out of Hall’s Chophouse, a restaurant on King’s Street in Charleston, South Carolina,

Your Marketing Isn’t Working Because It’s an Arrogant, Selfish Blowhard.

If you feel like no one’s paying attention to you, go hang out at any sports stadium. Because if you go to the stadium, you’ll know what it’s like to be smashed up against 100,000 assholes in blue face paint chanting olé! olé! olé! olé! And you’ll instantly know what the main attraction is. Not the game. The experience of being at the game. And with that experience comes my favorite person of all: The beer guy. As soon as