Yesterday I said I’d continue this story today.

I lie.

It’ll be continued on Thursday.

I have a hot n’ heavy One Night Stand session coming up this evening, and I’m on a roll over here, brewin’ + stewin’ on ways that we’re going to brand, market + creatively rocket sales through the roof off of today’s client’s business. (An interior design firm!)

By the way, I’m thrilled that the One Night Stand sessions have been such a hit!

Mostly booked up through February, but *do* have a few additional spots open that aren’t on the booking calendar:

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Next Thursday, February 2nd, from 1:30-8pm EST
Wednesday, February 8th, from 4:30pm – 11pm EST
Thursday, February 9th, from 1:30pm – 8pm EST
Thursday, February 23rd, from 1:30pm – 8pm EST

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If you want to snag one of these, send me an email to ash@themiddlefingerproject.org with the date as your subject line – sessions will book on a first come, first serve basis. (Don’t book these dates through the calendar if you follow the link to learn more about One Night Stands.  Any others, however, feel free to book that way, through the calendar, where there’s availability, even into March, if you wish.)

I’ll respond back (no later than tomorrow morning) and let you know if you got the date of your choice. If so, I’ll send you along a little questionnaire and link to Paypal, and then we’ll be set! If not, I’ll ask if you’d like to pick an alternative date. Wham bam.

That said, I’m back to stewin’.

Good day.

Good bye.

Wear your seatbelt. (Shout out to Ian, who tells me this every day. It has now stuck. Damn.)

So let’s say your annoying neighbor invites you over for dinner.

Huge bitch.

But you decide to go, anyway, because you don’t want to feel like an asshole every time you see her backing her brand new Lexus out of the driveway at the same exact time you and your ’98 Toyota are pulling out. Which, conveniently, happens way more than you’d like.

On the night of THE DINNER, you head over with a bottle of wine–secretly hoping she spills it all over her stupid cream-colored silk blouse, so at the very least, you’ll be mildly entertained.

For dinner, the neighbor made some asparagus quiche nonsense, while you silently wonder how the fuck to spell quiche, and whether or not she’s going to ration your wine intake. Probably will. Yoga-practicing, flaxseed-worshipping whore.

Thank god you’re armed with an emergency flask.

So you’re chillin’ out with your plate full of quiche, when, after some time passes, you finally muster the guts to ask *the* question.

The one that could screw up everything.

The one that could ruin your neighborly good will forever.

The one that could mean a lifetime full of evil eyes and passive aggressive slights.

You decide to ask it any way.

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Would you mind, um…would you mind passing….uh…..passing the salt?

You quickly look to gauge her reaction.

She stays calm.

Quiet.

Composed.

Proper.

And then silently, but obediently, through a clenched jaw, passes you the goods.

Whew.

That’s a relief.

At least you’ve saved her from the even more embarrassing event of having you VOMIT AT THE TABLE.

So what does this ridiculous scenario have to do with anything?

Everything.

You’ll find out tomorrow.

In the meantime, you should probably watch this music video. It has nothing to do with anything, and you won’t understand the lyrics, but you’ll get the point, and it’s a good one to get.

Good thing I never promised coherence.

Until tomorrow!

So since I’m in the United States for a hot minute, I have recently acquired a smart phone.

I have three things to say about this:

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1. Apparently, I’m better at coding HTML than I am at texting. Considering I have no fucking idea how to code HTML, you can imagine what kind of interesting text conversations I’ve been having. Particularly when so-called “smart phone” decides to change my texts from, “We’ll be there soon” to “We’ll be there vomiting.” Obviously you aren’t as smart as you think you are, smart phone, because if you were, you’d know that the vomiting comes AFTER we leave, AFTER we drink the vodka.
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2. HOW DO WE STILL NOT HAVE ANY DECENT RING TONES? Is there a token deaf guy somewhere developing these things? Is this his way to get back at the world for his misfortune? No, I don’t want to hear your grandmother’s gong, or feel like a fairy princess just pranced into the room, sprinkling pixie dust all over my fucking carpet. Good lord, I don’t even have a vacuum yet! I need to keep that shit clean!
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3. I now am compelled to photograph and upload any and every single thing I see and think is stupid, consequently forcing anyone who wanted to be my Facebook friend…to really think twice about who they’re asking to become Facebook friends. Am I the only one who saw Winnie the Pooh’s Too Smart for Strangers?  Here, let me help you with that.

Speaking of stupid things…

…there I was, pretending to be a well-educated, middle-class, nice young lady the other day while perusing Barnes & Noble, when I saw something that immediately fit my photograph-and-upload requirements:

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See those smart phone photography skills at play?

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If you’re as blind as me, chances are that you can’t read that introduction, so I’ve taken the liberty to pull the first couple of paragraphs for your reading delight:

“As the world falls deeper into economic downturns and armed conflicts, as communities become more heatedly partisan, and as many workplaces show growing signs of disengagement, issues of credibility remain front and central.

In this thoroughly revised and updated edition of their best selling book, Credibility, Jim Kouzes and Barry Posner explore why leadership is above all a relationship, with credibility as the cornerstone, and why leaders must “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Building on their more than thirty years of ongoing research, Credibility expands on their seminal work The Leadership Challenge, and shows why credibility remains the foundation of great leadership.”

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddd…..

*cue reader falling asleep and slamming head face first into bowl of Spaghetti O’s*

Ouch.

You see, I’m sure these James + Barry chaps are perfectly intelligent gentlemen.

Furthermore, I’m sure they’ve got some real substance to share. Actually, I think this book is incredibly worthwhile.

But let me ask you something.

Based on that description alone, how much did that book speak to you?

Did that description really stir your juices and make you think to yourself, “Well, now! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for! THIS is what I need!”

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Probably not.

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Because good ol’ James + Barry (or their copywriter) are having way more fun masturbating, than they are trying to show you how the book is actually relevant.

The topic itself holds a lot of promise, but the way it’s presented? Makes me want to slash some tires.

And that’s the thing.

This isn’t just about book jackets.

You might have the best product out there. You might offer the best service around. You might be the biggest, brightest badass to ever step foot on this humongous ball of rock.

But if the words you choose can’t communicate that…

…then it doesn’t really matter.

Because you won’t be given the opportunity to show it.

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So, how to communicate more effectively through the written word?

Stop focusing on your achievements.

Stop focusing on your qualifications.

Stop talking about yourself.

And start trying to CONNECT.

The word “connect” seems overused and overplayed these days, and as such, comes off as superficial. However, that doesn’t mean that the concept itself is any less powerful.

Humans crave connection. Connection in all forms.

And that, right there, is precisely the key when it comes to developing non-icky sales pages + marketing materials (including your homepage!) that turn your customers on and make them feel uplifted…instead of the alternative.

Find what things/ideas/problems/topics–and most importantly, FEELINGS–resonate with them, and then work like a motherfucking dog to translate those thing/ideas/problems/topics/feelings into words that they can CONNECT WITH.

Do that right, and you won’t have to worry about your sales numbers this year.

Or having your customers slam their heads into hot bowls of Spaghetti O’s.

Thank god, because that shit would be awkward.

And now…

I’m off to go wash my mouth out with soap.

Except not really.

Because then I’d be forced to take a picture of it and upload to Facebook.

And with my luck, someone will text me right at that moment, causing that annoyingly optimistic fairy princess ringtone to sound, and then I’ll be the asshole getting electrocuted.

And then some app will launch where some deaf guy pops his head out of the damn phone, points at me, and laughs the entire time.

Go figure.

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C’mere.

I think it’s time we got a little more intimate, don’t you?

Whatd’ya say to a one night stand?

Can you handle it?

How about you click on the video below?  (If you’re reading this in your email, click here to view the video.)

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What was that? Were you really just in your underwear?! One Night Stand?

A One Night Stand session involves you + your biz…and my marketing consultation + fiery copywriting prowess. Lacey panties optional.

I devised the One Night Stand sessions to be an intense, explosive, incandescent 6.5 hour online experience for those of you who need solid direction with your biz…and a little juicy, throw ‘em-against-the-wall seduction with your web copy….to really rev up sales + make your business GET NOTICED in 2012.

The One Night Stand is being offered both during the evening + daytime on varying days of the week. Tuesday  + Wednesday sessions are held from 4:30-11pm EST, and Monday +Thursday sessions are held from 1:30pm – 8pm EST.  (Note: Times flexible if desired.)

:::  During our session, we’ll first bond for a half hour or so as human beings so I can really get a feel for who you are and what you do, before moving into a heavy-duty, no-holds barred consulting sesh around your business + business goals.

:::  Then, we’ll wholeheartedly yell 1-2-3 TEAM! before breaking for a heart-pounding 3 hour block of time during which I write (or re-write) the copy for your website or marketing efforts, up to 5 sizzling pages, while you go take a bath. Or sip a chardonnay. Or play Wii tennis in your undies. Whatever it is that you do.

:::  Then, once the 3 hour block of copywriting time is up, we’ll reconvene for happy hour (bourbon preferred!) to discuss the copy, solidify the 2012 plan for your business, cheers one another, and possibly chest bump via Skype.

:::  Last but not least, then I’ll go back to my love cave for the evening, make any final revisions, send ‘em off to you…and follow up the next day to make sure all of our T’s are crossed, you’ve got your underwear, and you’re still just as jazzed as you were when you signed up. (You will be. Cross my heart and hope to die.)

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This couldn’t be any more practical–or fun–and I personally guarantee it’ll be the best one night stand you’ve ever had. Not to mention the most profitable.

The Breakdown

4:30-5pm: Innocent Flirting : Getting to Know You
5pm-6pm: Intimate Discussion : Hour of Biz Consulting
6pm-9pm: Down + Dirty Sweat Sesh : 3 Hour Block of Copywriting on client’s behalf, up to 5 pieces (can include any copy needed…with a standard “page” defined as 300-400 words per page. Also can include other fun things like tagline brainstorming. Or email marketing campaigns. Or a letter to your boss telling him you quit, already.)
9pm-10pm: Nightcap + PillowTalk : Feedback/Further Discussion/Optional Tumbler of Bourbon
10pm-11pm: Long Kiss Goodbye : Final Revisions Made / Copy Sent to Client
Next Day: Oops, You Forgot Your Underwear : Email Check in, Additional Questions + Final Parting of Ways

(Times are in EST, Tues + Thursday evenings.  Alternatively, session may be from 1:30pm to 8pm on Monday or Thursday, following same schedule.)

The Cost

$500. Start to finish. An entire One Night Stand. Including 6.5 hours of consulting + copywriting up to 5 pages. (For comparison, typical rates are $250 per page of copy.)

Why Are You Offering It This Way?

Because it’s fun as hell. And it’s the closest I could get to being a prostitute without actually being one. And because I suck at long-term coaching. Also, darts. Unrelated.

So…this is my way to get more involved with you on a level that you’ve requested time and time again, so we can come together and get our hands dirty for a night (or an afternoon, if that’s your style), and rev your business up…so you can throw down.

And I’m serious about the bourbon.

Is This For Me?

This is for you if you’re a solopreneur or small business owner looking to leverage the internet to more effectively (and inexpensively) market yourself…so you can hit your income goals and feel good about how you’re doing it.

Also, you recognize the critical importance of having copy that works – because you can’t be there to hold everyone’s hand, 24 hours a day, baby. And by copy that works, we mean copy that sells. Copy that flirts unapologetically with your prospects’ desires. Copy that shows ‘em who’s boss. Copy that makes them wonder how the fuck they ever lived without you before. Copy that rips ‘em off the bench, shoves their face in the asphalt, and makes ‘em scream, “Uncle, you bitch!”

Copy that reflects your motherfucking inner genius–minus the profanity, of course. Copy that reflects your soul. Your passion. Your expertise. Your wit. Your authority. And the fact that–hey–you’re the one they’ve been looking for all along. Whether they knew it or not.

A One Night Stand session with me will get you crystal clear on the bullshit that you just don’t know how to approach, so we can grab your business by the BLEEP, take control, and make one hell of a year out of 2012.

So put on your best pair of underwear.

It’s time to get down and dirty.

How to Book

Step One:  Click on this link to view the calendar and book the date that works best for you–either a Tues or Wednesday from 4:30pm-11pm, or a Monday or Thursday from 1:30pm to 8pm–your choice. If you need a flexible time, I recommend booking the appropriate day and then following up with an email to ash@themiddlefingerproject.org. [Note: Wednesday the 25th and Monday the 6th are already booked.]

Step Two: Submit payment as prompted.

Step Three: You’re booked!

Step Four: Do your homework. Once you book, you’ll receive a confirmation message with a link to a pre-session questionnaire–download, fill ‘er out, and ship ‘er on back to me 72 hours before your session…and we’ll be ready to blow. the. roof. off. your. biz.

Ready?

Click here to get booked.

You know what I really wanted to say there, don’t you?

…yeah, you.

Not so much in the, take-me-to-bed-tiger kind of way (that’s tomorrow. really. just wait.), but in a I-want-to-know-what-you-think kind of way.

Not about the ozone.

Or how much profanity I use.

Or the fact that I apparently suck at responding to emails. (Shhhhhhhhh. I’m getting better!)

I want to know what you think about…

*bongo roll*

…the evil…

…icky…

…topic…

…otherwise…

…known as…

SALES PAGES.

*cue all hell breaking loose*

*cue slow girl who loses shoe amongst chaos*

*cue someone to come bring me to mental ward for writing this kind of shit*

*cue Matthew McConaughey to come visit me in said mental hospital*

Anyway. Sales Pages.

I wanna know what you think of ‘em.

Let me tell you why.

The reason is based on the following email conversation that just transpired (republished with permission):

To which I responded:

To which she responded:

So my question is this -

What are your thoughts on what makes for a non-icky sales page?

They’re a necessity, if you want to communicate the need-to-know information, but…

What totally turns you off? (And makes you go Xing out the page at lightening speeds.)

What turns you on? (And makes you think, “Mmhmm, yessssssssss” while you twiddle your thumbs with anticipation, and lick your lips?

As a copywriter, this is something I’m constantly testing, as you might expect. With this site, I do some testing, too, but less formally. For example, with Clients + Cash, I went ahead and developed an official sales page (granted, using my signature style, of course), but for most of my other sales pages + launches that I do (like the one yesterday announcing 97 in ’11), I stick to a more informal style, because I want it to feel good for everyone involved–for me writing it, and for you reading it.

But what do YOU prefer?

What are your thoughts?

Which one of those two styles (linked above) do you prefer? Or do you prefer another altogether?

And if you have nothing to say on this topic, you can always leave a comment debating the merits of Bud Light versus Miller Lite–and why the hell they spell the “light” differently.  You know. The important stuff.

HOLLA.

P.S. I am serious about taking you to bed tomorrow. Remember I said there was something fresh + cheeky coming your way on Friday? Well, Friday’s almost here. Holy lacey lingerie!

P.P.S. Can you even do a drum roll with a bongo?