An Inappropriate List of Mildly Relevant Facts About Me That May Or May Not Make You Wish You Had a Beer

1. My biggest fear in life is a greasy keyboard. Ergo, I wash my hands like I’m strung-out on Dial, and if you shook my hand, you’d think I were AN ACTUAL LUMBERJACK.
2. I firmly believe that Frank’s Hot Sauce is a vitamin. I take it daily.
3. Favorite smell? Tomato plant.
4. Writing takes me forever, but apparently, some people like it. This is nice.
5. Fish can go to hell.
6. The very first time I ever met with my literary agency in NYC? I thought the Flat Iron Building was a steakhouse. (I really regaled them with my intellectual prowess.)
7. This is what happens when you grow up in a rural Pennsylvania trailer park.
8. But you also get really, really good at being scrappy.
9. I’m not married.
10. I don’t want kids.
11. I LOVE both of these things about myself.
12. I live part-time in Costa Rica with my darling hunk, C. It is hot as balls.
13. I go to Santiago, Chile every spring to visit my best girlfriends, who I met when I lived there before Costa Rica.
14. I’m also massively obsessed with Great Britain.
15. We go to the U.K. every summer, where I have held retreats and held photoshoots for women from around the world. This year, I’m going summer school in Scotland to learn how to silversmith jewelry, and then I’m speaking in London in the fall.
16. I believe that everyone should live abroad at least twice—the first time, you’ll be too drunk to remember.
17. I love the show Outlander.
18. What I meant to say was, “Jamie Fraser.”
19. I can’t go to bed without washing my feet.
20. I have secret fantasies of learning special effects makeup. Mostly just so I can pretend to be a monster and then walk straight over to the neighbors when they are being too loud and FREAK THEM THE FUCK OUT.
21. I was born in Philly and it is the only city in the United States that really feels like me.
22. Which is probably why I bought my first apartment in Old City, Philadelphia this year—sight unseen, from abroad. I haven’t gone to see it yet, but I will soon!
23. Must be the pretzels.
24. The Internet is my superpower.
25. Teaching creative writing is my lover.
26. I also really like teaching about the modern art of making really great f*cking money.
27. Earplugs. That is all.
28. If you’re talking to me, I am undoubtedly wondering, “does the face that I’m making look weird?”
29. I instantly fall in love with people who have big, loud, happy laughs.
30. Having hair and makeup come in and make me glam before a photoshoot is probably my favorite guilty pleasure in the world.
31. CONFIDENCE IS EVERYTHING—and it helps when your eyelids are on fire.
32. I hope to meet you!
33. Subscribe to the blog!
34. And have a fantastic fucking day!