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I fantasize about pugs. Not the way other people fantasize about pugs, mind you—nuzzling them and squeezing them and squealing “oooohhhhhhh!!!!” before scooping them up in their arms for a welcoming, wet kiss (what is wrong with people). Rather, I want to put their tiny little gargoyle heads straight into a vise. (I thought about […]
Things I’ve learned to be wary of in life: Oklahoma. Normal people. People who say, “you like fish, you just haven’t tried it cooked THIS WAY!” (Oh yeah, Satan? Did you want to cut up my chicken for me, too?) Self-important narcissists who just like to hear themselves talk, and talk, and talk. (One time, […]
Good ideas require a courageous host. Oh god, did I just introduce a virus analogy? Please forgive me, but it’s true. There are so many ideas floating around out there, half of which are definitely in your shower at 7 o’clock in the morning (they’re always in the fucking shower, aren’t they?), and the other […]
There’s a new Karen in town, and I’ve dubbed her The Karen K-3000. (Even though the “K” is redundant, it’s a head nod to the villain in the Terminator movies—clearly how all of my columns shall start now.) If you still have no idea who Karen is, let me be the first to tell you: it’s an […]
I have a strict rule about inviting people over to my house: only invite people with kids. This might seem contrary to my identity as a childless 35-year-old who offers toddlers hot sauce and who very much enjoys addressing visitors as “burning piles of rotting mucus” when they beat me in Scrabble, but rest assured I’ve […]
“I wish I could travel the world like you.” It was a comment left on a recent Facebook post, and admittedly, a comment I get often—but not one I like to receive. It depresses me, more than anything, how powerless most Westerners feel over their own lives. Anything is possible, in modern Western society, and […]
