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I sell people online. All day, every day, this is what I do for a living: I make people sound like golden-voiced prophets with thighs of steel and very good ideas. I am very good at this. I can take a farmer in Kansas and make him sound like the CEO of Gucci in two […]
I once met a guy whose job is to gut dead poodles and freeze dry their corpses—and I didn’t even get this luminary’s phone number. I know, the recklessness in it all! If I may offer some advice, anytime you meet someone with a business card that says, “We won’t turn your poodle into a […]
You know who’s going to hate me after they read this? (Besides the evangelicals, who always hate me.) THE PLANNERS. Godddd, did I used to be jealous of The Planners! These cruise directors were over there color-coordinating their kumquats and placing wax paper in between their leftover slices of pepperoni pizza and recording their daily […]
I’LL SHOW YOU! …is definitely not what I was thinking when I sliced left with the knife. Alas, I applied as much pressure as I could: I wanted a nice, clean line. No mess. No more worrying about this particular…problem. I was determined to put an end to it now. But, Christ with a fungal […]
