Ash Ambirge, Author at The Middle Finger Project

Change Is Fucking Messy (Thank God)

Change is fucking messy. You’re effectively molding yourself, and re-molding yourself, the way a sculptor would a piece of clay. And yet, nobody says to the sculptor: Shame on you, butter fingers, for not having it perfect the first spin. Rather, there’s an expectation of process. Of trial, of error, of slow transformation; of forming, fashioning, shaping and smoothing. Nevertheless, we—masochistically enough—don’t allow ourselves the same courtesy. We expect flawless perfection, right out of the box. We beat ourselves up

Apr 17, 2017

Only the Ordinary Can Easily Define Themselves. You? You’re Another Story.

Not being able to easily define what you do isn’t necessarily bad. Easily definable things are things that have been done so much, we know exactly how to categorize them. Name them. Label them. Sort them. So if what you want to create is just another X, then great. You’ll be able to define it with ease. But if you’re having trouble calling a spade a spade, maybe that’s because you don’t have a spade. And maybe that’s a good

Apr 15, 2017

How Do You Survive? How Do You Make It Through the Shitstorm—With Grace?

You forgive yourself, over and over and over again. You build little glass cases around your emotions, one by one. You don’t always like feeling sectioned off—but you forgive yourself for that, too. You are fragile now. You learn how to be fragile. Fragile means you need to play by different rules, for a while. “No” becomes your religion. Solitude, your faith. Your entire life pulls backward, like a tightened bow and arrow, going backwards, backwards, backwards, backwards, until you

Apr 14, 2017

Is It Annoying to Buy From You?

Everybody loves shopping, right? (Except maybe Ben Stein—imagine that guy in Kohl’s, or worse, going down a water slide. Two words: man thong.) You know who else loves shopping? The people who are looking for your services and products. There’s nothing like the high of thinking that you found it—the perfect photographer // vintage purse // writer // statement necklace // country line dance studio. Okay, maybe not country line dance studio, but in any case, when any of us

Jun 26, 2014

It’s Never About What You’re Selling. And Always About What They’re Buying. There’s a Difference.

Anytime I’ve seen a man in khaki, I’ve thought horrible things about his package. Maybe because they remind me of grandfathers. Or maybe because they remind me of Mr. Rogers. Either way, no female has ever wanted her boy friend to look like a boy scout. Khaki spells uptight. Conservative. Narrow-minded. Bourgeois. Which is why I was startled by how much I liked him. He came whirling out of Hall’s Chophouse, a restaurant on King’s Street in Charleston, South Carolina,

Jun 25, 2014

Your Marketing Isn’t Working Because It’s an Arrogant, Selfish Blowhard.

If you feel like no one’s paying attention to you, go hang out at any sports stadium. Because if you go to the stadium, you’ll know what it’s like to be smashed up against 100,000 assholes in blue face paint chanting olé! olé! olé! olé! And you’ll instantly know what the main attraction is. Not the game. The experience of being at the game. And with that experience comes my favorite person of all: The beer guy. As soon as

Jun 17, 2014

The Surefire Way to Get Paid Every Time (And Avoid Having to Call On The Mob)

You know when someone reaches over and steals a fry, and for the slightest split second of a moment you’re pissed? It’s really only for a split second, because immediately afterward, you tell yourself to stop being greedy, and that you didn’t need to be a fatass, anyway. But there’s just something about an unauthorized eater, right? Multiply that feeling by 100,000 and that’s what it feels like to have someone steal money from you. Except you aren’t just pissed

Jun 12, 2014

The Devil Isn’t In The Details. Your Next Dollar Is.

I was seated in the exit row. And when you’re seated in the exit row, you’re obligated to at least pretend to pay attention to the flight safety video, as 300 other people glance over at you and think, “Great. So that’s the dingle berry in charge of our lives.” I didn’t want to watch it, though. Not because safety isn’t important (insert Smokey the Bear infomercial here), but because I’ve seen the safety video enough times that I practically

Jun 11, 2014

How to Avoid Becoming a High Strung, Stressed-Out Jockstrap.

Stress. If handling it well means binge pooping and frantically screaming at the furniture delivery man that he ruined your life by bringing the wrong color chaise lounge chair instead of this gorgeous one THAT I WAS SO EXCITED TO SIT ON, then I get an A+. I don’t like stressy people—they’re a bunch of jockstraps. So the fact that I was turning into one wasn’t exactly my ideal, ahem, position in life. And so last year, I made the

Jun 5, 2014

Is Your Package Big Enough?

Confess. You’re reading this because the title made you think of male genitalia. (…And now you’re thinking about how weird the word “genitalia” sounds.) I know, I know. I tried to avoid it, but really, I can’t. Because today’s tip is about packaging your service or product offerings, so why be modest? I’m not even modest on Sundays. If you’re in business, about to be in business, or hallucinate that you own a business, then you’ve probably had the following

May 30, 2014

Author: Ash Ambirge