Ash Ambirge, Author at The Middle Finger Project

Do You Have Chickenshititis?

I have a friend named Melissa. (Yes, I have friends.) Melissa doesn’t have a job. She spent her twenties and thirties working for other people as a professional headhunter–(am I obligated to make a Headless Horseman joke here?)–before finally going back to school to pursue an advanced certification in Human Resources. And then she waited. And she waited. And she waited. For years. Every job interview she went on, she was either overqualified, or the role she wanted was already

May 27, 2014

10 Phrases You Need to Eighty-Six From Client Emails…FOREVER.

Everybody worries about being nice these days. We tiptoe around our own words, soften everything we say, and generally ask permission to have our own opinion. But unfortunately, nice isn’t a selling point. People do business with competent people, with smart people, with successfully branded people, with interesting people, with creative people, and with people whom they think can help them get ahead. They do not do business with nice people. Not if that’s all you’re bringing to the table,

May 22, 2014

Because You Don’t Want to Show Up At The Pearly Gates With a Big Ass Moral Hangover.

The phrase is simple: Goma moral. Here, where I am in Costa Rica, it translates into “moral hangover,” and you’ve got one if you stayed out too late, drank too much, said something you regret, or acted in any way irresponsibly the day before…and you feel guilty as sin. Forget the physical hangover; the moral one is the one that’ll get you. The one that hijacks early-morning positivity and manhandles it right into the trunk of a Caddy, causing you

May 20, 2014

Job Searching: Extending Your Cupped Hands & Hoping Someone Takes Mercy.

“Land of the free, home of the brave” should really have some fine print that reads, “as long as you stick your tail between your legs, binge drink at baseball games and look the other way.” As a population of people horrified with the slave practices of the past, it’s a bit ironic that most go through life participating in a slave practice of the present. As a society based on ‘time is money,’ they’ve got you by the balls.

May 6, 2014

Slow Down, Sign Your Name With Gorgeous Intention & FEEL.

Today would have been her 70th birthday. I’m wearing her gold aquamarine ring. I’m wearing it to remember to be gentle, to slow down, and to offer every stranger who ever sets foot in your house the biggest Italian bread sandwich known to man. To garden always (or at least try), to worship tomatoes, and to write fancy sick notes for my future children (complete with pressed flowers and calligraphy pens). To see the best in the cranky gas station

Apr 30, 2014

Caution: Stop Masturbating With Your Money.

Last year I had $224,225.77 in business expenses. That’s a metric fuck ton of cash for a small business to be throwing down, and probably more than my mother ever made in her entire life. And yet, I’ve never been so pleased and here’s why: When you do it right, your expenses aren’t expenses. They’re tools. Most people are afraid to spend money. They’re afraid it won’t be worth it. But, is that what they’re really worried about? When you’re

Apr 23, 2014

Your Customers Already Told You What To Say.

“If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?” “Why is a tennis ball fuzzy?” “What is your least favorite thing about humanity?” “How does the internet work?” Can you believe this? There are innocent people getting clobbered with these kinds of interview questions in dimly lit corporate offices AS WE SPEAK. (Except actually just kidding, because I happen to think those questions are excellent. You really want to weed out those drug lords, you know?)

Apr 11, 2014

People Bullying Your Time? An Answer for the Overcommitted, Overcrazed & Exhausted.

Know what’s a really big mistake? Letting people push you around. Letting people decide how you’ll spend your time. Guilting you into doing things you don’t want to. And generally taking a big fucking twirly straw and sucking up your energy until you’re a California raisin. Look, people are assholes, alright? They don’t mean to be assholes, but everyone’s out to get theirs. Everyone’s got an agenda, and yes, they will email you about it. They will put you on

Apr 8, 2014

Difference Isn’t About Being Different.

You know what I’m passionate about? Elephants. Big, giant, hot chartreuse, polka dotted elephants. In the room. Online. Where there’s at least one Nigerian Prince sending out emails with the salutation, “Friend.” (Oh wait, that was me.) Right now, the elephant in the room I’m sitting in is the increasingly common practice of—how should I say it?—embellishing how to describe what you do // help with // are. “Me? I’m the Chief Happiness Officer and I, well, I help people

Apr 3, 2014

I Brought 20 Hookers to Central America on Business.

I sloshed on yet another layer of gloss, steering frantically with one hand while trying not to rear end a truck full of cows. I mean, what would I tell the Life Hooky group? “We didn’t pick you up at the airport in San Jose because, see, there were these cowsssssss.” Even I would think I was making it up. And the only time I make anything up is when the chicken is overcooked, because what kind of person actually

Mar 20, 2014

Author: Ash Ambirge