Unf*ckwithable BOSS | Online Business Development Program

IN: Business 101, Confidence, Creating, Marketing, Money Talk, Selling, Success, Video

*enthusiastic drum roll por favor*  Just kidding. I’d actually like an electronic harp, please. (Obviously superior.) Ladies, gents, and pandas, it is my pleasure to announce that the all-new Unf*ckwithable Boss On Business Development Program is now officially open. If you ever wished that you and I could put our heads together over a bottle of wine, and work together for a series of weeks ing in hard and creating—or overhauling—your on business from start to finish, A-Z, this is for you. As

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$199 vs $200: The difference of a dollar is never just the difference of a dollar.

IN: Business 101, Money Talk, Selling, Success

I was recently told a story about a man named Uncle Bill who went to Colombia, stayed in a hostel, and climbed the ladder into his bunk—even after the four bottles of wine. Uncle Bill wasn’t your average uncle, though. Uncle Bill was eighty-nine years old. Which sounds like a lot, when you say it out loud, right? Eighty nine! What?! But you know what it sounds less than? Ninety. One sounds pretty old, but not as old as ninety. Once you

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Poets & Killers Get Rich

IN: Creating, Selling, Success

There are two groups of people: Poets & killers. The poets are running around with their heart placed firmly on their sleeve, hoping that if they do authentic work, it’ll sell itself. The killers, on the other hand, are running around selling everything, none of which is actually authentic, nor genuine, nor useful. (We call these people “scam artists.”) Yet, neither one of these groups is going to make it. Truth is, you might be as authentic as they come, but

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Do Something Brilliant With Your One Little Speck

IN: Branding, Business 101, Creativity, Selling, Success

You ever have a hate relationship with an acronym? Take YOLO, for example. Are you as ambivalent about it as I am? Like, ay, in theory “you only live once” is true (two points), it’s an effective argument for engaging in questionable behavior of any kind (five points), it’s a built-in retort when your husband wants to know who ate all the sweet potato fries (seven gazillion points), AND it labels you as someone who may actually know how

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Create & Offer What YOU’D Want to Buy.

IN: Confidence, Creating, Selling

  “THAT’S GENIUS!” said a lot of really sweet people really big brown nosers after the launch of Unf*ckwithable Girlfriends last week. Except they weren’t giving me the compliment because of what it contained, but rather, because of what it didn’t. “You mean you aren’t inundating everyone with another group? No forums? No Google Hangouts? NO HEART-CENTERED NETWORKING?” (By the way, heart-centered has just made it onto the Word Shitlist, which, FYI, refreshes on page load at the bottom

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Networking Event? Try This Creative Approach to Introducing Yourself.

IN: Communication, Confidence, Selling

Are these people on crack? It was the first thought that came to mind as I read this Inc. article that advises you to take your glass of warm Yellowtail, roll up to a stranger at a networking event and all but murmur in their ear: How can I help you? The theory is that you’ll get a better response by trying to be helpful than trying to be salesy—but in execution, this thinly veiled, “I’m here to help!” Pee-wee Herman

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Help! My Elevator Pitch is Falling (Seriously) Flat Chested.

IN: Communication, Confidence, Selling

There’s this collective group groan that happens when the words, “elevator pitch” are spen. (For the record, it sounds like: gggggeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrduuuurrrrrruhhhhhhSPLAT.) In my experience, this is usually for one of three reasons: Someone once insisted that if you’re ever riding in an elevator, you MUST! BE! ABLE! TO! SELL! YOURSELF! BEFORE! THE! NEXT! STOP! (So now you have PTSD every time someone asks you if you’re—ding, ding ding—going up.) You couldn’t explain what you do in thirty minutes, let alone

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Sometimes in Business, You Need to Do YOU.

IN: Hard Stuff, Selling, Success

The dead horse of the decade is the target customer. You’re asked to create personas. Put yourself in their shoes bras. Get inside their head. Imagine what’s keeping them up at 3 o’clock in the morning. (For the record, it’s that their ass is getting fat and they totally forgot to make coies for their kid’s bake sale.) So there you went, thinking about everything from the target customer’s perspective. What will they want? What will they think? What will

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You Don’t Have to Run Some Big, Cheesy Sale to Do Well

IN: Life, Selling, Success

Picture it: Your d ones are sitting around roasting chestnuts on an open fire, while you’re hunched over the (pumpkin-pie-greased) keyboard, biting your fingertips and worrying whether or not you’ll have enough money to pull through to January. But what if you didn’t have to run some humongous holiday sale? What if you didn’t have to put ALL the pressure on yourself? What if you could make a few small changes and have it double your revenue in December-so January

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Take an Online Writing Class With Me This Week…On Demand!

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

You know why we write words? Because the right ones change things. The right ones carjack hearts. Move people. Make sales. Grow businesses. And change people’s lives—including your own. The wrong ones, on the other hand, cock block all of that. (And by “cock block,” I mean prevent, deny, thwart, retard, hamper, hinder and hex the hell out of your efforts…just in case that wasn’t abundantly clear.) Because when it comes to YOUR words – your website copy / your

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How to Sell a $250,000 Diamond Ring

IN: Marketing, Selling

You know how when you want to sound professional on the phone, you do that thing where you clear your throat, steady your voice, and then inevitably start talking THREE OCTAVES HIGHER in that sickening sweet, Southern-Belle-esque manner, almost as if you were speaking to a priest, or maybe the sheriff, all while using words like “extrapolated” and “decisive” and pacing around your living room hoping they have no idea you actually just had wine and DOES HAVING WINE IN THE

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Moron Shoes With Holes In Them: What Makes Somebody Buy Something…Or Not?

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

You know those little moron shoes with the holes in them? Those plastic clog loing things that lo like the most repulsive foot trend known to man? I’ve always been shocked those shoes gained any footing in the marketplace. *Insert shit-eating grin* But, really. If you’re spending good money to put this neon green bucket on your foot, for example, they must be doing something right. (Though I have a very hard time believing this trend would have ever caught

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SWEATY ARMPIT ALERT: 67% of the people that were about to give you money…don’t.

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

Ever think you’ve got Alzheimer’s, or am I the only asshole running around forgetting the word “lollipop?” Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than forgetting the word “lollipop” in front of a stranger. It’s not like it’s some academic word one could be forgiven for forgetting, like idiosyncrasy—which I feel like is forgivable. I mean, nobody’s running around saying that word five times a day. But when you’re in the middle of a riveting conversation about the United States

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What You Are Selling is Never as Important as THE REASON SOMEONE IS BUYING IT

IN: Selling

Lo, old stuff grosses me out. I don’t care how cute that sooty old vintage peacoat is—the idea of placing moth-ball flavored material against my body that’s previously had armpit fluid secreted onto it by other humans doesn’t do it for me. It just doesn’t. Somebody spear an arrow through my heart for heresy. I KNOW. So this is why I was horrified to find myself uncontrollably walking right into this god damn little vintage shop in Frederick, Maryland last week. WHAT ARE

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This Bastard Was Getting Paid $10,000 a Month.

IN: Business 101, Selling

This bastard was getting paid $10,000 dollars a month. He was on contract with my company at the time, brought on as a consultant to work directly with a young (and far less wrinkley-lipped) yours truly. This was some ten plus years ago, mind you, at a time when things like blogs were for morons who liked outer space backgrounds and hot pink flashing text. (Thanks a lot, 1998.) He wore what he wanted, gave zero shits about formalities, came to the office

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You’re always going to have fifty million things to do—PLUS that asshole’s bar mitzvah.

IN: Business 101, Marketing, Selling, Writing

There’s a lot of pressure these days to be perfect. (Says the girl carrying thirty extra pounds and a dysfunctional pouty face.) As someone who used to be very all-or-nothing, over the years I’ve had to make some major peace with the fact that all-or-nothing is a gigantic, sweaty faced fool’s errand. :: How many times have you thought about getting a new website, but don’t…because you’ll “wait until you’ve got money to really get all the bells and whistles?” :: How many times

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Starting a Business Isn’t for Weak People, Shitty People, Irresponsible People, Undisciplined People, Stupid People, Forgetful People, Lazy People, Irrational People, Impatient People, or People Who Blame Everything on Obama.

IN: Selling, Writing

Nearly ten years ago when I started my first copywriting business, I struggled with the things most new business owners struggle with: Telling a client your fees while silently thinking shitshitshitshitshitshitshit! Having no idea if your fees are too high or too low or WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO BE CHARGING?! Constantly worried someone was going to call you out and berate you and turn you into the police for saying / doing / breathing something amateur. Thinking

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Repeat After Me: You Are Not Your Buyer

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

It’s two days before the new year, and I’m doing exactly what you are: Dicking around on the internet and calling it “downtime.” It’s absolutely PHENOMENAL. But, as we all prepare to become supermo there is one thing I want to encourage you to do, right here, right now, before you slug the last of the egg nog and run around with streamers on your head. And that is to listen up. Maybe you’ve been preparing for a big launch in

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Running a Holiday Sale? Memorize This by Heart.

IN: Selling

So the other day I’m Christmas shopping here in Costa Rica, which is automatically hilarious because, first of all, because they spell “Ho Ho Ho!” like “Jo Jo Jo!” which never gets less funny, and second, because Santa was dressed in a royal blue suit. (I still haven’t decided if this is posh or ridiculous, but I give him points for thinking outside the box North Pole.) So naturally, at one point I apparently decided Christmas shopping would be much

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If you’re both killer & poet, YOU GET RICH.

IN: Selling

“Most good copywriters fall into two categories: Poets and Killers. Poets see an ad as an end. Killers, as a means to an end. If you are both killer & poet? You get rich.” Ogilvy once said that about copywriters, but that’s just because he wasn’t around long enough to see the internet blow up. Nowadays, everyone’s one or the other: Poet or killer. The poets are running around with their heart placed firmly on their sleeve, hoping that if

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The Short, Slightly Sarcastic Answer to (At Least Eleven) Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Selling Yourself. Featuring: A Strong Opinion.

IN: Selling

Q: Should I give away free consults? A: Are you running a business or a charity? EEEEEEEEEEET. Time’s up. The correct answer is  Ding, ding, ding. And businesses are for profit. Key words: For profit. Respect your own time and prospects will, too. I guarantee the people you lo up to aren’t running around giving away free consults.   Q: Why does everyone price things ending in a 9? Do I need to do this? People aren’t stupid. We all

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Just The Tip: On Stutter-Free Sales Pitches.

IN: Clients, Selling

You know when… …you hear somebody speak who’s obviously nervous and they’re talking a million miles a minute and you kind of wonder if they’re even breathing and you sort of kind of feel bad for them because you can tell how nervous they are so now you sort of feel nervous FOR them—and you really hope they seriously don’t faint, vomit or do that thing where they blank, cry and go running off the stage? Kind of awkward, right? Kind of distracts from

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A Lot of People Don’t Like Selling Because It Makes Them Feel Like Assholes

IN: Selling

A lot of people don’t like selling, because it makes them feel like assholes. Seriously, who wants to be the pitbull with the perfume, attacking women and children as they innocently stroll through the Bon-Ton? Certainly not me. And probably not you, either, unless you happen to have a penchant for rose petals and lollipops (which is what all perfume smells like). But if you think of selling for what it really is—facilitating a mutual exchange of pleasure—then selling becomes less

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Just The Tip: This Tool For Selling Your Stuff Online WINS. (Breasts Down.)

IN: Just The Tip, Selling

There are few things in this world that I really looooove. Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer certainly makes the cut. (I swear it’s the reason why I’m in my thirties and don’t have a single eye wrinkle. A single one. I swear. It’s WEIRD. Am I an alien? I must be an alien. Comeee anddd gettt meeee, Willlll Smithhh.) This bo pretty much makes me want to shout from the rooftops to never force yourself to answer another e again. (Seriously. How much

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Just The Tip: Are You Selling The Wrong Thing?

IN: Selling

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been guilty of making a list of “what’s included” that los like this: Modules! PDFs! Videos! Audios of the Videos! Transcripts of the Audios of the Videos! Commentary on the transcripts of the Audios of the Videos! A revolutionary new—drum roll— Group! AND THERE’S MORE! Buy now and you’ll even get this Super Duper Industrial-Sized Egg Beater absolutely FREE!* Reel it in, Billy Mays. Nobody ever bought a bottle of Grey Goose because:

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STOP Giving Away Free Consults. I Beg You.

IN: Selling

“Nobody ever paid top dollar for a cheap imitation. Don’t let somebody else’s business move dictate yours.” I wrote that in our TMF page yesterday. Here’s why: Keep in mind that the people you’re watching are winging their next move just as much as you. Yet, so many new business owners who are fighting tooth and claw to make a name for themselves on, in particular, are being quietly indoctrinated into a school of sameness by one or two or

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You are not anyone’s only option. (…So now what?)

IN: Selling

We made out for hours that night. College kids stepped clumsily around us, spilling their beer as much as their morals. It was an era of chunky blonde highlights and boot cut jeans, tanning beds and lacy little lingerie tops from Express. My favorite was champagne & cream colored. I had it on that night. Because, as any college girl knows, all it takes to get attention is a nice ass and, well, lacy little lingerie tops from Express. But

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