Tag: Living

The Whole Wide World Isn’t Big Enough for You, Darling

Have you ever felt like the whole wide world would never be big enough for you? You’re so hungry for it, you eat up every square inch you can find: streets, monuments, wine bars, neighborhoods. The way the dandelion grows differently, over here. The way the people take just a little bit longer to greet you when you walk into a restaurant. You feel like you’re staring at an alternate version of yourself, had you been born French, as you

read more...

How to Prove Yourself to Non-Believers (& Other Dollar Store Peanut Trolls)

Can we talk about friends for a minute? <Cue group groan.> Why is that? When did friendship become A VERY HARD THING? I’m not talking about your ride-or-dies—you know who they are—I’m talking about the very real problem of: (a) Being an adult;(b) And making friends;(c) Who kind of suck;(d) And aren’t supportive. How did we get stuck with these hambonis? Case in point: a woman emailed me the other day about “proving yourself to non-believers.” And I thought: who

read more...

Your Happiness 401(k): Are You Budgeting Enough Joy in Your Life?

In my twenties I hated routine—but that’s because I confused it for stagnancy. Anything that whiffed of repetition was automatically on my shit list: schedules, affirmations, habits, recurring obligations, things that put a vise on my freedom. I never wanted to live feeling beholden to a calendar, letting it rule my days more than I did. To me, routines were for the weak: people who weren’t disciplined enough to get it done without force. When I’d get on interviews and

read more...

Burned Out? Doing This Daily Changed My Life

You know what the biggest cause of burn out is? BEING SMART. There, I said it! If you are smart, and you are driven, and you have actual ambitions beyond “beat Princess Beefcurtains in the next level of Fortnite” then you are likely going to suffer from a whole RAGING RIVER of problems that normal people do not have. One of those problems is overthinking something you said to the neighbor three years ago. 🤷‍♀️ And another is feeling like

read more...

“I Want More Adventure & Whimsy In My Life”—And the Worst Advice I Ever Read On Getting It

There’s terrible advice, and then there’s the type of advice that makes you want to fake your death and ride bareback on a donkey through Cleveland. Until today, I thought that the Cosmo advice to “apply a little Ben Gay to his privates for an unexpected treat” was that kind of advice. (Do not try that at home, or in any grocery store parking lots, ever.) Turns out, though, there is at least ONE ARTICLE doling out even more questionable

read more...

It’s Okay to Be Done With Good Things

Well, that’s certainly a crowbar to the face, isn’t it? It’s okay to be done with good things. I’ve been obsessed with this idea lately: that maybe good situations can keep you just as trapped as bad situations, sometimes. (If you’ve ever had an entire plate of cheese fries in front of you, you get where I’m going.) How many things are you holding onto just because it would be a shame to give them up? Because you invested the

read more...

The Courage to Ask: “What Do I Really Want?”

Oh, look! I made it to 2022 without committing suicide. That is a pretty terrible thing to say, but if you know me, then you also know I am a pretty terrible person—at least, when it comes to: (a) Dealing with most people; (b) Pot roasts; and (c) Matching my underwear to my bra. (Though bonus points for really wanting to be that person. Do you know how many times I’ve bought matching sets, only to completely and totally rebel

read more...

Bake a Cake and Shut Your Mouth: Or, How to Be Unhappy, Unfulfilled, and a Martyr to Your Own Life

I am a fickle bitch, and it’s one of my greatest qualities. In fact, I wish the word “fickle” were more attractive—it sounds too much like “pickle,” and one time in college I read a book called “Tickle His Pickle,” so I think it’s clear that (a) I am a true academic, and (b) Using the word “fickle” makes my mind wander. But if the word weren’t so ugly, I’d use it to describe myself all the time. Fickle (adj):

read more...

Writing, Houses & Hot Dogs: A Love Story

There were greasy hot dogs on the counter. Four of them. Naked and un-bunned, flopping around inside a glass Tupperware dish for all the world to see. I had many questions, including “are these for sale” and also “where are the onions,” but perhaps the biggest question I had was: WHO PUTS HOT DOGS IN THE FRAME WHEN TAKING A PHOTO FOR ZILLOW? Zillow, as in, the real estate website where other people look at photos and decide if they

read more...

On Not Thinking With Your Cultural Crotch

I fantasize about pugs. Not the way other people fantasize about pugs, mind you—nuzzling them and squeezing them and squealing “oooohhhhhhh!!!!” before scooping them up in their arms for a welcoming, wet kiss (what is wrong with people). Rather, I want to put their tiny little gargoyle heads straight into a vise. (I thought about writing “meat grinder,” but that seems a bit much.) So far in life, I have had not one, but two pug sworn enemies, and I

read more...