Living Archives

Bake a Cake and Shut Your Mouth: Or, How to Be Unhappy, Unfulfilled, and a Martyr to Your Own Life

I am a fickle bitch, and it’s one of my greatest qualities. In fact, I wish the word “fickle” were more attractive—it sounds too much like “pickle,” and one time in college I read a book called “Tickle His Pickle,” so I think it’s clear that (a) I am a true academic, and (b) Using the word “fickle” makes my mind wander. But if the word weren’t so ugly, I’d use it to describe myself all the time. Fickle (adj):

Sep 7, 2021

Writing, Houses & Hot Dogs: A Love Story

There were greasy hot dogs on the counter. Four of them. Naked and un-bunned, flopping around inside a glass Tupperware dish for all the world to see. I had many questions, including “are these for sale” and also “where are the onions,” but perhaps the biggest question I had was: WHO PUTS HOT DOGS IN THE FRAME WHEN TAKING A PHOTO FOR ZILLOW? Zillow, as in, the real estate website where other people look at photos and decide if they

Jun 19, 2021

On Not Thinking With Your Cultural Crotch

I fantasize about pugs. Not the way other people fantasize about pugs, mind you—nuzzling them and squeezing them and squealing “oooohhhhhhh!!!!” before scooping them up in their arms for a welcoming, wet kiss (what is wrong with people). Rather, I want to put their tiny little gargoyle heads straight into a vise. (I thought about writing “meat grinder,” but that seems a bit much.) So far in life, I have had not one, but two pug sworn enemies, and I

May 27, 2021

You Can’t Be One Thing Forever, My Darling

Things I’ve learned to be wary of in life: Oklahoma. Normal people. People who say, “you like fish, you just haven’t tried it cooked THIS WAY!” (Oh yeah, Satan? Did you want to cut up my chicken for me, too?) Self-important narcissists who just like to hear themselves talk, and talk, and talk. (One time, in Dublin, I literally got up and took my drink into the bathroom—FOR AN HOUR.) People you can’t get off the phone (see number 4).

May 4, 2021

Welp, Finland’s #1 AGAIN for World Happiness, Those Clever Bastards—Here’s Why

Happiness is an elusive little shit. This is why, when the annual United Nations World Happiness Report comes out each year, I rip that thing open with my fangs. (Note to self: say”fangs” more often.) The report lists, in perfect sequential order, the happiest countries in the world down to the least happy countries in the world—in other words, the most miserable victims on the planet—and then tells you a whole bunch of sciencey-stuff about how they came to that

Mar 19, 2021

“Fuck It, Not Voting, Doesn’t Matter”—And the Surprising Reason Why It Actually Does

It’s fahking freezing here in Philly today—forty-five degrees, which we all know is basically thirty-two degrees, because there’s no rounding up when it comes to the weather. You ever notice that? NO ROUNDING UP IN THE WEATHER. Forty-five is not close to sixty, it’s close to death. But I’m not here to talk about the weather. That would be the cheapest thing one could write about before Election Day…ever. But I was thinking about the weather, because I was thinking

Nov 2, 2020

Right Now, Someone Out There is Admiring You, Greatly.

They might not have said it. In fact, they probably kept it to themselves—“don’t want to seem like a creepy ass stalker.” But no matter who you are, you have changed things for someone. You have made them rethink their career. Rethink their stance. Rethink their makeup. (Because, hey, Urban Decay is a religion.) You have made them bolder. Brighter. Less afraid to use their voice. You have made them hopeful. Hungry. Reinvigorated. You have shown them what’s possible, simply

Oct 30, 2020

You Don’t Exist to Please Dipshits

You know how when you meet someone, and they give you this snotty little look like, “you’re a fucking freak,” and then you start wondering, “AM I A FUCKING FREAK?! IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?” And you’re so quick to second guess yourself instead of second guessing the constipated stuck up instead? I hate moments like those. When I was young, I thought that any person who looked at me sideways was looking at me sideways because something about

Oct 28, 2020

[New Podcast ?] Abortion, Guns, God & Pussies—And Is Civil War Inevitable?

Okay, so I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU. So, so much. (Besides the fact that “Abortion, Gods, Gun & Pussies” is definitely going to be my new personal tagline.) Right now I’m on the ground in the Appalachian mountains, driving (with extremely careful COVID precautions) through a series of rural southern towns in an effort to investigate small-town America and the narratives driving conservative voters and how it all fits into the greater…fabric of things. (See the gram for

Oct 17, 2020

Decide What Really Fucking Matters to You

Good ideas require a courageous host. Oh god, did I just introduce a virus analogy? Please forgive me, but it’s true. There are so many ideas floating around out there, half of which are definitely in your shower at 7 o’clock in the morning (they’re always in the fucking shower, aren’t they?), and the other half happen just as you’re falling asleep at night—but you don’t want to wake yourself up, because you know if you grab your phone you’re

Oct 13, 2020

Tag: Living