Tag: Living

Our * Book * Comes * Out * TOOOMORRRROWWWW— Plus a ~Secret Excerpt~ to Download and Read! 🤩

I AM SPILLING COFFEE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!! TOMORROW’S THE BIG FREAKING DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomorrow is when I’m going to make a complete ass of myself in bookstores all over Manhattan, as our book—THE MIDDLE FINGER PROJECT—will go on sale via all major retailers. (And if you did me the favor of pre-ordering online, thank you with all my crinkly little heart: books will be shipping straight to yo’ door and then you can tag me on Instagram and then we can laugh and

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I Tattooed My Eyelids! Or: On Just Showing the Friggy Frig Up

It feels like a teeny, tiny vibrator on your eyelid. And THAT, friends, is my description of what, precisely, it feels like to get your eyelids tattooed. Your eyelids! Ya fucking EYELIDS! [Said exactly like an Italian American woman in disbelief.] Because, surely, someone who has never gotten a tattoo in her life should start with her eyelids. ~Whistles and looks up at ceiling~ I KNOW. Why do I make these decisions? But to be honest, I didn’t even think

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I’m The Least Spiritual Fuck On the Planet

Not that you didn’t know that already. Which is why if you come at me with chakras or crystals or dildos scented with patchouli oil, I will make a face that looks pretty much like I have just swallowed a baby rhinoceros hoof. Which might be possible, if you could see the kind of soup I ate last night. I’ll tell you why I bring this up momentarily, but first… I’m still here in my hometown! The one you’ll read

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THE BIG BOOK COVER REVEAL! See Also: The Time I Tried to Convince You to Become a Serial Killer.

So guys, I’ve finally discovered “the secret to success”—and no, it does not require Himalayan bath salts*.   *Also does not require Ben Gay, thank god.   The real secret to success is in learning how to be both a lawyer and a serial killer, and I say that with all sincerity. [Insert image of me knifing my book here.] Who wants a serial killer in their inbox? I know! But alas, you’ve got one: it’s the only way to

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How I Went From Fifteen-Year-Old Trailer Park Trash to Rich Bitch—And The Surprising Secret to My Success

When I was fifteen, I learned not to put Ben Gay on a penis. I know, there are so many words that don’t belong together in that sentence: fifteen and penis, for one, and then of course, penis and any substance designed to ice down your privates before lighting them promptly on fire. But I had read an article in Cosmo, as you do, and the article said it would be sure to “give your partner an unexpected treat”—which surely

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The Tired Excuse That Women Need to Stop Making (Have You Ever Used It?)

Last week I almost made a very big mistake. You see, I had THIS GRAND IDEA that led me to performing the following slightly delirious activities: Scouting jungle wallpaper for my dressing room; Buying a T-Rex head to hang on the wall of said dressing room; and Calling a notoriously well-known closet design company to come custom fit the rest. Now, mind you: I grew up in a Pennsylvania trailer park. The closest we got to “custom fit” was the

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Ten Urgent Lessons Women Need to Learn About Making Money—Without Apology

So, clearly we are all aware that at present, I’m on a sliiiiiiiightly obsessive-compulsive crusade to help women make MORE MONEY, because THIS. (That said, I am also on a slightly obsessive-compulsive crusade to eat as much buffalo sauce as I can find and Insta-story the entire fucking city of Philadelphia, so, I mean, choose your own adventure?) The next couple of weeks, all we’re going to talk about is money. Making it. Making more of it. Keeping it. And

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You Have This GREAT IDEA, But You’re Hesitant to Take the Leap. Could This Be Why?

How hard would it really be? To launch that crazy-fun new business idea. To start something you’ve been dreaming of for months. To get up and get started and go for it. To be able to say, this time tomorrow, that you have begun. We all radically overestimate how hard it’ll be, and radically underestimate the fact that we are made of fucking stars. (No, I haven’t gone over to the dark side of believing in chakras, but I DID

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The Surprising Reason Why I Decided to Buy My Own (GASP!) Apartment—As an Independent Woman With Her Own Money and Her Own Mind

“WINNER, WINNER! OFFER ACCEPTED!!!” That’s what the subject line read as I cozied up with a glass of red wine, last night, nervously awaiting the news. And when the email came through? I almost choked. “Omg, I have tears in my eyes!” I wrote in response. (Along with a shit ton of other capital letters and exclamation points, my favorite.) Because here is what I learned on March 7th, 2019, just in time to celebrate International Women’s Day (hooray, it’s

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I Hate Mantras, And YET—I Love This One for When You’re Kinda Sorta Shitting Your Pants

I have a mantra (despite wanting to slit my throat upon hearing the word “mantra.”) Are you ready? My mantra is this: WHO CARES HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? GO ANYWAY. Which sounds really kinda wrong, right? We’re a culture based on f-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-i-n-g-s. But sometimes, you have to override the ones that I call false positives. Like, even if your bitch-ass is scared to do something as simple as go to a SoulCycle class, where you will definitely not know

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