Category: Creative Writing

A Dead Simple Way to Write a Creative Bio (Without Crying) (Or Wall Punching) (Awkward, You Guys)

Most people dread introducing themselves in general, but ask someone to introduce themselves in writing, and you’ve just added another unwelcome layer of pressure: Now you’ve got to WRITE WELL ON TOP OF IT. And, you know, say witty things. That you’re committing to paper. While being judged by everyone who reads it. Because isn’t that what reading really is? A bunch of strangers JUDGING YOU. So how do you do it in a way that: a) Doesn’t sound braggy

Poets & Killers Get Rich

There are two groups of people: Poets & killers. The poets are running around with their heart placed firmly on their sleeve, hoping that if they do authentic work, it’ll sell itself. The killers, on the other hand, are running around selling everything, none of which is actually authentic, nor genuine, nor useful. (We call these people “scam artists.”) Yet, neither one of these groups is going to make it. Truth is, you might be as authentic as they come,

How to Stop Writing With a Stick Up Your Rump: A Foolproof Way to Add More Personality Without Being Unprofessional

One of the things I get asked about forty hundred times a day (besides whether or not I know there’s a hair sprouting from my chin) is this: “I’m not as boring a boob as I seem, but from all those years in corporate America / Catholic school / working as a mad scientist, my mouth is feeling a little…constipated.” You might even commit the crime of talking in the third person (“Jane Doe has extensive experience in creating high-level

Better to Be a Mouse With a Backbone, Than a Lion With No Spine: On Writing Voice

You know when you sit down to write and your brain sort of feels kind of…constipated? (A delightful image, if I do say so myself.) Then you finally manage to put a sentence on the screen, but then you backspace over the “fuck”—because if you say “fuck,” no one will take you seriously—but then you retype the same word, wondering if you were to use such a word, whether it would come across as self-assured and bold, or lowball and

The Real Trick to Brilliant Writing

You know what makes for brilliant writing? Not what you say, but the way you say it. The execution. The way you jockey your message onto a page. There are 354 different ways to tell any story. (Exact figure, give or take a few thousand or so.) You can start at the beginning, or you can start at the end. You can speak from your perspective, or you can speak from theirs. You can write long, detailed sausage-stuffed paragraphs, or

Starting a Sentence With “In My Opinion” is Bad for Business. Here’s Why.

Let me ask you something. If suddenly the building you’re in burst into gigantic, explosive flames, who would you follow to safety? The guy standing meekly by the exit whispering, “I think it’s this way, you guys?” or the guy who booms in a calm, confident, steady, self-assured voice, “THIS WAY.” (Sorry, ladies, following Vin Diesel is not an option.) As humans, we instinctually crave this kind of confidence. We want to feel confident, too, so naturally, we’re drawn to

The Internet Is Some Trippy Shit (And Also Maybe The Key to Business AND World Peace?)

The internet is some trippy shit, isn’t it? You’re sitting here reading this, and you don’t even know me. But it feels like you do, doesn’t it? I get that a lot. In fact, one of the most common emails I get about anything I write is always, “GET OUT OF MY HEAD,” which sort of makes me sound like some kind of psychic creeper internet alien. Except I don’t believe in psychics and I’m only a creeper when somebody

One word might be costing you thousands of dollars. What is it?

“What do you own?” he asked her. “I own lots of things,” she replied, before going on to stumble through a list: Her car, her favorite Gucci purse, a timeshare in Mexico, her 300,000 count Egyptian cotton bedsheets. “No you don’t,” he said calmly. “Yes I–” she started. “You don’t own any of those things, because someday, all those things will be gone,” he said. She squirmed in her seat. “The only thing you own,” he said, “is the one

Clear vs Clever Copywriting is a Big, Fat, Bloated Myth (And a Scapegoat for Subpar Writers)

I’m a very dirty writer. Not Fifty Shades of Grey dirty, but dirty in the way that I put sentences, thoughts, ideas together. My process is wild. Sexy. Free. Undomesticated. And while I wish the reason were because I’m just such a clay-faced, crochet-bra-top-wearing, sun-worshipping bohemian soul (I am laughably not), rather, it’s because I know something you don’t know about the written word: It’s only as brilliant as its process. If your process is tame, commonplace, average, pedestrian…then the

No, I Don’t Want to Be in Your Tribe.

“No, I don’t want to be in your tribe. I’m not your minion, and I’m not a cow.” -@ateegarden on Twitter. The internet popularized the concept of “finding your tribe,” and while Seth Godin’s book by the same name is right on the money, the term itself has become cliché, stale, trite, boiler plate, and fucking offensive. …As has everything else the internet’s talking about in its little circle jerk. I’m tired of seeing my Twitter feed, my blog reader,