The $2,000 Offer to LEAVE a Company

IN: Business 101

When I was hired as Director of PR for AWeber, the VP of Operations called me into his office two weeks after I had started, and offered me $2,000 to leave the company. “You’ve been here two weeks now,” he started, “and you probably have a good idea if this is a place you’re going to enjoy working at–or not.” I nod calmly. “So,” he tells me, “if you don’t think it’s a good fit, I’m going to give you

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Storm Down The Door of Life With a Hatchet + Some GUMPTION.

IN: Business 101, Life

I always wanted to be the woman with the white floppy hat. The one with the easy laugh, where time had not made her older, but all the ightful. The one who carries a basket of strawberries wherever she goes, the one who frolics in fountains, the one who holds his gaze just a little too long, who doesn’t care if her hair gets wet in the rain, and whose signature scent is mystery–the straight up parfum version. For

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An Ode to Baller Status.

IN: Business 101

Lather up. Choose the perfume-scented body lotion. Put every last hair into place. Rock your most exquisite piece of clothing. Wink at yourself in the mirror. Pull out the stops. Lo fucking smashing. And then get to work. Because when you feel like a baller? YOU ACT LIKE ONE.

Stay Foolish. Stay Wise. Have CONFIDENCE.

IN: Business 101, Life

Rules–particularly the dogmatic variety–are most useful for those who aren’t confident enough to make their own damn decisions.   For the rest of us, there’s vodka–so we can cope with the decisions we were foolishly wise enough to make.   So help us, Grey Goose.   Amen. -Excerpt from my forthcoming bo, The Middle Finger Project You didn’t think I forgot about my 2012 resolution, did you?

How to Be Taken Seriously in Biz + Life. (Does Not Apply to Douchebags, The President, or Anyone With The Name Barbie.)

IN: Business 101

Ever jump in a pool fully clothed? You gotta try it. Border rebellious, without landing you a spot in jail, or any unplanned pregnancies. (Usually.) I’m pretty sure I’ve jumped into pools clothed than the average human being, which must qualify me for something. Something other than the insane asylum. Or the WWF. My favorite occasion, since we’re clearly having a discussion about this, was at a national sales conference in Atlanta, Georgia. There we were, myself and the

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INTOXICATE 2012: DAY THREE: On Selling Pineapples + Other Worthwhile Ventures

IN: Business 101

What a fucking hangover. I spent the evening talking marketing (and drinking too many lemontinis) with Carlitros and an interestingly powerful man who owns a pineapple plantation, a beach front hotel, a brand new, gorgeous condominium complex and some other entities. How many fuckers do you know that own a pineapple plantation? Exactly. (I have, of course, arranged a tour of the pineapple plantation for next Thursday–I’ll have to shoot some video for you to see. Pina coladas will undoubtedly

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INTOXICATE 2012: DAY TWO: WHERE WE TALK ABOUT VAGINAS, DEATH + DUMPSTERS

IN: Business 101

Annndddd intoxicate 2012 continues! {Read post 1 of the intoxicate series here.} On a Friday night. Except you’re probably not reading this on a Friday night. Because you’re probably doing something all cute with your significant other. Or maybe you don’t have a significant other, in which case you’re most likely out drag racing cars, a la Fast and the Furious. I know that’s what I’d be doing. I’m pretty sure it’s going to become my next hobby. Which pair

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DAY ONE: CONFESSIONS.

IN: Business 101

Here’s the thing about possibility. It’s fucking endless. We’ve got so much possibility, we don’t know what to do with it all. As members of the Western World, we can do a lot of whatever we dream. The problem occurs, however, when there are too many dreams to pick from. And that’s when we get deer-in-the-headlights syndrome, and freeze up like idiots. Because we’d rather make no choice, than make the wrong one. But I believe that deep down–or not

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Fuck Plan B. You’re on the A Team.

IN: Business 101

His name is Oskar. He’s Rastafarian. I met him when I first came to Costa Rica in 2004 and watched him trying to sell his paintings day after day on the beach, sweating, struggling to speak English to the tourists who passed by, working from dusk until the wee hours of the night to make ends meet, some days going without any food in his stomach because he needed the little money he did have to buy paint. “I

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How to Be Able to Travel Whenever You Want

IN: Business 101

Can we please talk about the fact that tonight, I’m getting a ride to the airport from a random, way-skinnier-than-me (and probably you) Vietnamese woman named Kim, who works at the random nail salon where I got a pedicure yesterday? Yeah. That’s fucking weird, and it’s totally happening. And I’m totally excited about it, mostly so I can write about it here, which obviously benefits us all, but also so I can attempt to force feed her some lard while

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Pet Peeves, Dried Egg Yolk + The Difference Between Having Freedom and Having OPTIONS.

IN: Business 101

So, I had this grand epiphany the other day. You see, I’ve always wanted a pet peeve. Everyone’s got a pet peeve. At least one. But me? Not so much. I’ve never really had a solid pet peeve of my own, which has clearly left me feeling pretty deprived. I mean, what kind of a person doesn’t have a pet peeve? A nice person, maybe, but we all know I’m not a nice person. Nice people are only called nice

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To Success Laced With Cherry Liquor + Lace. Yours, My Sweet Darling.

IN: Business 101

This. This is why I do what I do. Just got these two es in a row, and I wanted to share, because it’s uplifting for me, and I hope I can encourage and inspire you to do your own best work…so you can get your inbox flooded with these things, too. It feels AMAZING. Amazing as in the light-headed, luscious feeling you used to get when you had that crush on that neighborhood boy. Or girl. Or your best

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The ABC’s of Self Love: D is for Determination.

IN: Business 101

You know you can choose, right? I’m not sure if we’ve forgotten this, or if it’s just too scary. Or maybe, just maybe, because it’s too scary, we prefer to forget. CHOICE. It’s scary because it implies pressure–the pressure to make the right choice. It’s scary because it implies consequence–the consequences that will happen if you don’t. But most of all, it’s scary because it implies control–control over our lives and what the hell happens next. But despite what they

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Sit Down, Shut Up + Screw Jesus: What Would the Best Version of YOU Do?

IN: Business 101

First of all, can we talk about the fact that this photo exists? Lo at that smugness, like I’m runnin’ the whole damn airport. Pilots, report to me! Yes, yes. Precisely what I’d say. Ridiculous stuff like this is probably what inspired my mom to write me a card once, when I was in middle school, that said: Mommy and Ashie sittin’ in a tree Ashie said, “Mommy, what will I be?” Mommy said, “Ashie, you’ll be a real winner…

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Lewd(ER) Life Lessons From 2011. To Be Read With a Fake Italian Accent.

IN: Business 101

When it comes to running your own business, business can be pleasure. Whoever’s telling you different is clearly in the wrong of work.  Speaking of work, when you work for money and nothing else, that’s exactly what you’ll end up with:  Money, and nothing else.  Do it for the right reasons. Don’t be shortsighted. You know better. Think of sex as a business activity with an ROI.  It *will* help your productivity (and profitability) in the long-run. Ditto for naps, massages, dirty

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Lewd Life Lessons from 2011 (Hey, That Rhymed.)

IN: Business 101

It might be true that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. But the successful baller shot caller says, “Playa please!” and finds another avenue that naturally comes easier. Trust in nature. And anything made with vodka. You should probably have a good cry, already. And then another. And then another. But…use waterproof mascara. Never tell yourself you shouldn’t feel a certain way. If you feel it, that’s all you need to know. Don’t fight battles you weren’t meant to.

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Entrepreneurs + Marriage: Possible? Or Possibly Hopeless?

IN: Business 101

Marriage scares the *#$^!&*(±*@&%^$*#@(±!!)!)!%&@# out of me. As a matter of fact, it scares me so much, there should really be some of these in there: ¡¿¡¿ (For once, buying my Macbo in South America, and having the corresponding Spanish keyboard, paid off. Lo at that sexy upside down punctuation! You like them papayas? Do ya? I’m pretty sure I learned how to parallel park faster than I learned how to navigate this keyboard, just for the record.) It’s not marriage

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Screw Being Your Own Boss

IN: Business 101

“I started my own business so I could be my own boss!”  Meh meh meh meh meh!  *high-pitched little girl’s voice* No, you didn’t. You might think you did, but you definitely didn’t. Want to know why? Because being your own boss is infinitely harder than having a boss. And by infinitely (which, by the way, is a pain in the ass to spell), I mean 17,929,531.9045 times harder. Yes, that’s exact math. Although I suppose it’s than that, since we’re

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If You Had One Shot…Would You Capture It, Or Let It Slip?

IN: Business 101

Hand holding. It’s a beautiful thing. Especially when the hand that you’re holding is tall, dark and Mediterranean. But sometimes, other forms of hand holding is just as…tingly. Like when you’re in the early stages of business brainstorming, or getting your business launched, and you need someone to: a) Kick your ass b) Hold you accountable c) Just tell you what the fuck you need to do d) So you can do it e) And everybody goes home happy Based

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Dirty Confessions of an Entrepreneur: What I Never Told You

IN: Business 101

I have a confession to make. Not about the time I was a cold, unfeeling bitch. Or the time I fell in uncontrollably in with an illegal Mexican immigrant who lied to me for 7 months about his real name. Nor about the time I mixed oatmeal and hot sauce and secretly liked it. (Just kidding–what kind of a sicko would actually do that?)– No, no. This confession has to do with my business.  And with you.  In a

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Entrepreneurs: Show Me Your (Black Lace) Thong & Tell Your Story Like You Mean It

IN: Business 101, Confidence

I have many beliefs. Like black lace, for one. Or a perfectly timed comeback. Or that no matter where I am in the world, coffee will always taste better through a straw. (I’m even incd to call this fact than belief.) You know, the important stuff in life. But there’s one belief in particular, one belief that has served to inform every aspect of my life, from dawn until dusk, til death do us PART. (Likely the only time

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Entrepreneurs: Please Don’t Puke On Me. Love, Ashley.

IN: Business 101

First Day of the Week: Could life BE any better? Somebody bring me champagne. Feed me chocolates. Tickle my toes in all the right places. And send a memo to the president alerting him to the fact that I AM A GOD DAMN GENIUS. This whole me-running-my-own-biz-nass thing is really going to work out after all! RELIEF.  RELIEF.  RELIEF. MONEY!  MONEY!  MONEY! CHAMPAGNE!  CHAMPAGNE!  CHAMPAGNE! Jumps! Up! And! Down!– Second Day of the Week: I suck. Suck, suck, suck! The

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Modern Day Slavery: Worth Pondering

IN: Business 101

“To have a home, a family, a property or a public function… To be a useful cog in the social machine. All these things seem necessary, even indispensable, to the vast majority of men, including intellectuals, and including even those who think of themselves as wholly liberated. And yet such things are only a different form of the slavery that comes of contact with others. Especially regulated and continued contact.” –Isabelle Eberhardt

Argentina + An 11 Year Old Boy + Greatest Business Asset of All

IN: Business 101

“Good afternoon, ma’am!” he cheerfully exclaims. I lo up from my menu at the outdoor cafe, and I’m greeted by the eager, smiling face of a young boy. One of his front teeth is noticeably chipped in half, but that doesn’t stop him from beaming with uninhibited enthusiasm as he carefully lays down 5 sheets of Hello Kitty stickers to the side of my placemat without permission. Before I can say anything, he takes the lead: “My, your hair color

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The Greatest Human Tragedy of All: Us, Right Now

IN: Business 101

You’ve been suffering. Despair has been bloodthirstily clawing at your soul—savagely, abruptly & without abandon. It’s grips are icy & callous, as it mercilessly forces itself upon you, the lingering smell of stale gin on its breath, violently violating your good intentions. You feel smothered, dirty & ashamed as you gasp for air & pray that it will be over soon. Tears fall silently, but you cannot defend yourself. Despair overpowers you. You’ve tried screaming for help, but as it

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Does Risk Really Equal Reward? Only If You Redefine “Risk”

IN: Business 101

Life is full of contradictions. Take the very premise that America was built on:  Fearless determination, courage, imagination, and nothing than a dream mixed with a ful of hope. America was built on the backs of the stubborn, the tenacious, the rebellious – those who would not accept no for an answer. They started with a belief. From that belief grew a vision. And from that vision grew this country. Thereafter, the cycle continues to repeat itself:  This country

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