Starting an Online Business Archives

On Having “Enough Experience,” Portfolios (Yay or Nay?), And Getting Taken SeRiOuSlY.

Once upon a time when I was young and naive and still believed “liquor before beer, you’re in the clear,” I also believed that I needed to have 800 items in my portfolio before anyone would “take me seriously.” Oh god. That fucking phrase. ? That fucking phrase turns so many brilliant creatives into boring nobodies. The thing is, when you’re young and inexperienced in business, you still assume that the people in charge are, you know, relatively important. You

Feb 16, 2021

(A Really Good) Answer to, “How Do I Stand Out in a Sea Full of Competitors?!”

Last night we watched LOVE, SARAH, a movie on AppleTV about a dead woman’s child, mother, and best friend all banding together to start the bakery of aforementioned dead woman’s dreams. The movie takes place in Notting Hill, London, which is obviously the first reason why I wanted to watch it. The second, however, was that I wanted to watch them do it—which is unfortunately not as kinky as it sounds, but alas, as someone who is obsessed with business

Jan 18, 2021

Start a Boring Business—Not an Innovative One. (Also Filed Under: Business Advice I Never Thought I’d Give.)

I once met a guy whose job is to gut dead poodles and freeze dry their corpses—and I didn’t even get this luminary’s phone number. I know, the recklessness in it all! If I may offer some advice, anytime you meet someone with a business card that says, “We won’t turn your poodle into a puddle,” you follow up. At the very least, you’ll (finally) have a tip to submit to Unsolved Mysteries one day. Anyway, our poodle pal here

Jul 9, 2020

10 Things That’ll Make You Go “Ooh, Oooh, Oooohh!” (Especially if You’re in Online Business)

SIX-HUNDRED DADDIES. That’s my shorthand for “dollars.” I don’t know why or when it started. Actually, just kidding, it just started right now. Not because I have daddy issues or anything (though clearly I do). SIX HUNDRED DADDIES was what I paid. Six-hundred! And you know why? Because I just had to import a slab of wood the weight of a small ocean liner. I just had to to send a ninety-million-hundred pound box all the way to the jungles

May 12, 2020

A Virus Can Keep You Inside, But It Can’t Keep Your Ideas There

You ever see people that look like your dead relatives and then you CAN’T STOP STARING? I do that a lot. Like this fall, in Dublin, when I creepily tried to take a photograph of a total stranger in a pub without his knowledge by casually waving my phone around in the air—#PROTIP: do not drop mid-operation—because I was convinced he looked like the spitting image of the one photograph I have ever seen of my father. This

May 6, 2020

The Emergency Money Workshop: REGISTER FREE HERE >

BLINDFOLDED PILLOW FIGHTS. That’s what people are resorting to. Putting their hoodies on backwards with the hood part over their face and then trying to whack their spouse with a giant down-stuffed rectangle as they bumble around the living room. (And somehow managing not to knock over the five-hundred porcelain gnome figurines, which I just assume these people have in their house.) I watched that yesterday and you know what I thought? These people need an online business! Or I

Mar 20, 2020

#REALTALK: Here’s What Saved ~My~ Business

Her name was Karen, and Karen did NOT like me. At least, that’s how I took it the day my application came back DENIIIEDDDDD. “Consists of or includes immoral or scandalous matter under Section 2(a).” This was back in 2013. She was an examiner for the United States Patent and Trademark office. I was trying to do the responsible thing by registering the mark for The Middle Finger Project, which had been in-use since 2009. (Better late than never, homies.)

Mar 19, 2020

HOLY OTTER URINE ON A DONUT! If You’re Stressed About $$$, I’m Donating My Time to Help.

Oiwehgiehwoweihgiehwgiehwehighew. That’s basically what my hands WANT to type. Except I am going to force them to say something much more elegant, like: Otter urine! Can of cold farts! Room full of Swiss people! (My personality isn’t a good fit for the Swiss. Anyone who makes you feel like your enthusiasm is about as welcome as a slug in your sandwich should not be on your “Yes, Let Us Hang Out! list.) Assuming people will hang out once again, of

Mar 18, 2020

13 Reasons Why That Crafty D-Bag is Making More Money Than You

“You got your freaking Christmas tree ONLINE?” My best friend from high school roared, slapping her leg. She is not an internet person, like me. Then again, I don’t suppose there are many people who buy so much as their groceries online, let alone entire houses, and this is the moment when I’m just going to place this emoji ?‍♀?‍♀?‍♀ riiiiiiiight here—because I am guilty of both. All three, in fact. The only thing I haven’t ordered online, yet, is

Jan 6, 2020

A Hot Sales Tip, A Hot Marketing Tip, and a Hot Book Tip Walk Into a Bar

Well hello there! A few fun tidbits on this fabulous Tuesday: Today I’m in studio recording DAY TWO of THE MIDDLE FINGER PROJECT audiobook for Audible—and my god, is this a blast! I’m documenting it all on my Insta-stories, in case you want to come behind the scenes with me. ? There’s candy and drinks and take out and all sorts of hyper cool people walking around, wearing beanies and looking like they’ve just stepped off the cover of a

Dec 17, 2019

Category: Starting an Online Business