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I once met a guy whose job is to gut dead poodles and freeze dry their corpses—and I didn’t even get this luminary’s phone number. I know, the recklessness in it all! If I may offer some advice, anytime you meet someone with a business card that says, “We won’t turn your poodle into a […]
SIX-HUNDRED DADDIES. That’s my shorthand for “dollars.” I don’t know why or when it started. Actually, just kidding, it just started right now. Not because I have daddy issues or anything (though clearly I do). SIX HUNDRED DADDIES was what I paid. Six-hundred! And you know why? Because I just had to import a slab […]
You ever see people that look like your dead relatives and then you CAN’T STOP STARING? I do that a lot. Like this fall, in Dublin, when I creepily tried to take a photograph of a total stranger in a pub without his knowledge by casually waving my phone around in the air—#PROTIP: do not […]
BLINDFOLDED PILLOW FIGHTS. That’s what people are resorting to. Putting their hoodies on backwards with the hood part over their face and then trying to whack their spouse with a giant down-stuffed rectangle as they bumble around the living room. (And somehow managing not to knock over the five-hundred porcelain gnome figurines, which I just […]
Her name was Karen, and Karen did NOT like me. At least, that’s how I took it the day my application came back DENIIIEDDDDD. “Consists of or includes immoral or scandalous matter under Section 2(a).” This was back in 2013. She was an examiner for the United States Patent and Trademark office. I was trying […]
Oiwehgiehwoweihgiehwgiehwehighew. That’s basically what my hands WANT to type. Except I am going to force them to say something much more elegant, like: Otter urine! Can of cold farts! Room full of Swiss people! (My personality isn’t a good fit for the Swiss. Anyone who makes you feel like your enthusiasm is about as welcome […]
By “people,” of course I mean, like, three, who were probably drinking booze one day and then decided to have at it on the internet—which we all know is a bad idea. AT LEAST COME AT ME SOBER SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. Or, pass the bottle—this is a place of sharing! The […]
Well WHADDYA KNOW. Here’s me coming in hot on a Thursday morning, still wearing yesterday’s underwear, having all sorts of PTSD from the dinner I made last night. (Let’s just say I’d rather put fish sauce on my privates than ever eat it on chicken again.) But alas! I survived! And now I’m all up […]
“You got your freaking Christmas tree ONLINE?” My best friend from high school roared, slapping her leg. She is not an internet person, like me. Then again, I don’t suppose there are many people who buy so much as their groceries online, let alone entire houses, and this is the moment when I’m just going […]
Well hello there! A few fun tidbits on this fabulous Tuesday: Today I’m in studio recording DAY TWO of THE MIDDLE FINGER PROJECT audiobook for Audible—and my god, is this a blast! I’m documenting it all on my Insta-stories, in case you want to come behind the scenes with me. 🙂 There’s candy and drinks […]
