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The first time I ever thought about striking it out on my own as a professional freelance writer, you know what held me back? Not “fear.” <–Gaaaaad, the overuse of this word can eat my armpit. Not a lack of conviction in my abilities. Not imposter syndrome.Not the fact that I had no fucking idea […]
Once upon a time when I was young and naive and still believed “liquor before beer, you’re in the clear,” I also believed that I needed to have 800 items in my portfolio before anyone would “take me seriously.” Oh god. That fucking phrase. 🙄 That fucking phrase turns so many brilliant creatives into boring […]
IT’SSSSSS HEREEEEEEEEE! By “it,” I do not mean the perpetually re-sprouting hair on your chinny chin chin (though that’s a constant fun house, is it not?), nor do I mean the pair of compression socks you secretly ordered on Amazon because who wears compression socks unless they’re nine-hundred? (Answer: me, apparently. I’ve been training for […]
Last night we watched LOVE, SARAH, a movie on AppleTV about a dead woman’s child, mother, and best friend all banding together to start the bakery of aforementioned dead woman’s dreams. The movie takes place in Notting Hill, London, which is obviously the first reason why I wanted to watch it. The second, however, was […]
I once met a guy whose job is to gut dead poodles and freeze dry their corpses—and I didn’t even get this luminary’s phone number. I know, the recklessness in it all! If I may offer some advice, anytime you meet someone with a business card that says, “We won’t turn your poodle into a […]
SIX-HUNDRED DADDIES. That’s my shorthand for “dollars.” I don’t know why or when it started. Actually, just kidding, it just started right now. Not because I have daddy issues or anything (though clearly I do). SIX HUNDRED DADDIES was what I paid. Six-hundred! And you know why? Because I just had to import a slab […]
You ever see people that look like your dead relatives and then you CAN’T STOP STARING? I do that a lot. Like this fall, in Dublin, when I creepily tried to take a photograph of a total stranger in a pub without his knowledge by casually waving my phone around in the air—#PROTIP: do not […]
BLINDFOLDED PILLOW FIGHTS. That’s what people are resorting to. Putting their hoodies on backwards with the hood part over their face and then trying to whack their spouse with a giant down-stuffed rectangle as they bumble around the living room. (And somehow managing not to knock over the five-hundred porcelain gnome figurines, which I just […]
Her name was Karen, and Karen did NOT like me. At least, that’s how I took it the day my application came back DENIIIEDDDDD. “Consists of or includes immoral or scandalous matter under Section 2(a).” This was back in 2013. She was an examiner for the United States Patent and Trademark office. I was trying […]
Oiwehgiehwoweihgiehwgiehwehighew. That’s basically what my hands WANT to type. Except I am going to force them to say something much more elegant, like: Otter urine! Can of cold farts! Room full of Swiss people! (My personality isn’t a good fit for the Swiss. Anyone who makes you feel like your enthusiasm is about as welcome […]
