Tag: Work

The Hidden Shame of Entrepreneurship—And Why For Some People, It’s Really Frigging Hard to Sell Themselves

I sell people online. All day, every day, this is what I do for a living: I make people sound like golden-voiced prophets with thighs of steel and very good ideas. I am very good at this. I can take a farmer in Kansas and make him sound like the CEO of Gucci in two lines or less. (Lord, you should see how I spun my ex-boyfriends.) You think your sister Sarah enables her drug dealing kid? Woo Nelly—try being

read more...

Is Your Bio Absolute Trash? It May Be Missing This Key Ingredient

You know who I don’t trust? Mean girls. The man who stole my cell phone in 2012. Iguanas (they absolutely want to eat your brains). Movies that didn’t cast Ryan Reynolds. AND…this one restaurant in Santiago, Chile, right there in the heart of the Providencia neighborhood that advertises two things on its sign: pizza……..and sushi. Pizza and sushi, pizza and sushi, pizza and sushi! That’s not even a decent name for a hipster band. I took it personally that these

read more...

Start a Boring Business—Not an Innovative One. (Also Filed Under: Business Advice I Never Thought I’d Give.)

I once met a guy whose job is to gut dead poodles and freeze dry their corpses—and I didn’t even get this luminary’s phone number. I know, the recklessness in it all! If I may offer some advice, anytime you meet someone with a business card that says, “We won’t turn your poodle into a puddle,” you follow up. At the very least, you’ll (finally) have a tip to submit to Unsolved Mysteries one day. Anyway, our poodle pal here

read more...

Your Job is Not to Change the World Overnight, But to Be a Tiny, Torturous Drip on the Forehead

There’s a new Karen in town, and I’ve dubbed her The Karen K-3000. (Even though the “K” is redundant, it’s a head nod to the villain in the Terminator movies—clearly how all of my columns shall start now.) If you still have no idea who Karen is, let me be the first to tell you: it’s an official Wikipedia entry. And since we all know “Wikipedia-entry official” is the nerd’s version of a blue check on Instagram, then rest assured:

read more...

I Unpublished My Business Facebook Page—And I’ve Never Felt So Liberated

I have a strict rule about inviting people over to my house: only invite people with kids. This might seem contrary to my identity as a childless 35-year-old who offers toddlers hot sauce and who very much enjoys addressing visitors as “burning piles of rotting mucus” when they beat me in Scrabble, but rest assured I’ve thought this through: Parents with children are the only ones who eventually have to leave. Ah, the strategy! The scholarship of this plan! You

read more...

5 Apps Every Creative Business Needs to Get Their Shit in Order (With Extra Love for Non-Planney Types)

Planning is not my strong suit, by which I mean if you come anywhere near me with a “party planning checklist,” I will immediately grab a knife. It’s instinct—you know, like the repulsion you feel when other species eat their young?—which probably also explains why, when I go to the grocery store, I end up leaving with forty-nine boxes of cherry-flavored condoms. Not on the list, but how can you not? It’s also why I’m persistently late at present-giving. I

read more...

“The Money’s Too Good to Give Up” and Other Nonsense I am GOING TO SPANK WITH A JELLYFISH

I am in NO MOOD today. Nope, no mood for pussyfooting around—and don’t be offended by my usage of that word, as its etymology is related to little kitty cat paws, which are adorable and sweet, just 👏 like 👏 me. [Cue sinister laughter] There’s one thing I have had it with, and I’m about to get out a giant alpine horn and shout it all over France. It’s not COVID-19 (though that over-seasoned crotch nugget* can hump right off),

read more...

10 Things That’ll Make You Go “Ooh, Oooh, Oooohh!” (Especially if You’re in Online Business)

SIX-HUNDRED DADDIES. That’s my shorthand for “dollars.” I don’t know why or when it started. Actually, just kidding, it just started right now. Not because I have daddy issues or anything (though clearly I do). SIX HUNDRED DADDIES was what I paid. Six-hundred! And you know why? Because I just had to import a slab of wood the weight of a small ocean liner. I just had to to send a ninety-million-hundred pound box all the way to the jungles

read more...

1 Extra Sale Per Day = $3,000 Extra Per Month—And Here’s How to Get It!

You know how you sit down to write a sales page—and all of the sudden YOU FEEL LIKE THE MOST BASIC BETCH ALIVE? Like, wow, I have absolutely nothing brilliant to say, I’m a dime-a-dozen dingflicker, I sound like one giant, festering cliché, and NOBODY IS GOING TO BUY THIS. NOBODY. This kind of self-consciousness is the worst. You mean-talk yourself because you know that the words on the page don’t even come close to representing you the way you

read more...

3 Magic Tricks for Making Your Product Descriptions GLISTEN—And Your Sales Soar 👆

WRITERS WILL BE PAID LIKE DOCTORS. I’ve been predicting this for a long time, in part because I’m a creepy writer monster, but also in part because I’ve been watching the internet carefully for eleventy hundred years, now, and I saw the direction it was going: words are business FUEL—and businesses need more fuel now than ever. Glug, glug, chumpy chomper! (What is a chumpy chomper, you ask? A snooty, well-manicured man wearing light blue Tommy Bahama shorts with little

read more...