Work Archives

The Trick to Writing a Bangin’ Resume, Punching Imposter Syndrome in the Mouth, and the Best New Podcast on The Block (NO, NOT MINE)

MY GOD I WANT TO SCREAM. Not really, I don’t scream, not unless someone tags me in a photograph from 1996, in which case I always scream, because how exciting to find little pieces of yourself in other people’s pockets? (Maybe that’s why I wrote a book—so you’ll stick me down your pants!) (Ugh, on second thought, it’s sweaty here in Costa Rica…I don’t want to be down anybody’s pants.) The real reason I want to scream, however, is because

Feb 4, 2021

You Know the Best Way to Sell a Service? GATEWAY DRUGS, MY FRIEND.

“She said yes to the $500 offer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Soon as I got that text this morning I screeeeammeeddd back in an audio message, “YESSSSSSSSS!!!!! OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I knew she’d get it done. I knew it: the system that I’ve been teaching her, an old friend of mine from college who’s starting a coaching business, is damn-near foolproof for closing new clients. There are a lot of things I know absolutely nothing about—the mating habits of worms, who these

Jan 22, 2021

(A Really Good) Answer to, “How Do I Stand Out in a Sea Full of Competitors?!”

Last night we watched LOVE, SARAH, a movie on AppleTV about a dead woman’s child, mother, and best friend all banding together to start the bakery of aforementioned dead woman’s dreams. The movie takes place in Notting Hill, London, which is obviously the first reason why I wanted to watch it. The second, however, was that I wanted to watch them do it—which is unfortunately not as kinky as it sounds, but alas, as someone who is obsessed with business

Jan 18, 2021

Are You Making This Mistake With Your Lead Magnet? (It’s Super Duper Common.)

THANKS TO MY INDUSTRY, I say the word “magnet” far more than I’d like. It’s never not reminded me of “maggot,” so yes, I think about housefly larvae rather often. Lead maggots. Lead magnets. …I really wanna say maggot. Then again, some lead magnets really are lead maggots—as in, they are these tiny little turds of uselessness that have no place in your business or in clogging up the internet. But the tricky part is that if you’re new at

Jan 15, 2021

Why You Should Never Do Another Free Client Call Again

Hey, I got a good idea! How about you call up Dan Rather and say, listen Dannnnnayyyyyyyy, I need an hour of your time, buddy—I really need to know about journalism, and so I thought I could pick your brain for a while—you know, for free—and then decide if it’s a good fit. If so, I miiiight give you some money to coach me later—money that I will surely balk about giving before I lowball you with a heavily discounted

Jan 13, 2021

“You’re Too Expensive”—NONSENSE, KITTEN. Here’s Your Reply.

Well now that last week happened and I can do something—anything—besides TWEET ANGRY THINGS INTO THE ETHER—I wanted to pop my face into your box to offer SOMETHING useful in this bullshit world, specifically useful for the people who are not ridiculous Karen-crying into the camera at being maced the second she stepped foot inside the Capitol building during a violent insurrection, as if she had just innocently tried to enter the Lincoln Memorial on a random Tuesday. ^THIS

Jan 11, 2021

? Free Email Template ? Pay Your Invoice, Bitch

Omg, just kidding, don’t call any of your clients “bitch.” Maybe in your head but definitely don’t say it aloud. However, you know what you probably should do? Get any and all of your outstanding invoices paid up before the end of the year, squitch*! Now’s the time—and not just because you need extra money for a Peloton / giant Christmas ham. (Have you seen how expensive they are?! The ham, not the Peloton…though have you seen how expensive a

Dec 16, 2020

? Free Email Template ? Switch Your Clients to Retainer the Easy Way

It’s that time of yeeeeaaaar! No, not the holidays. Fuck the holidays. (Just kidding, I LOVE the holidays.) (Ugh, a jolly asshole like me would.) Rather, it’s the time of year for you to announce to your clients your intentions for your 2021 rates—and perhaps (perhaps???) a switch over to—drum roll—retainer. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn! RETAINERS!!!!!! THEY’RE FREELANCE O’S!!!!! (YOU KNOW WHAT THE “O” WORD IS, BUT I FEAR THIS EMAIL WILL GO STRAIGHT INTO THE S-FOLDER IF I DARE SAY

Dec 9, 2020

I Was On BBC Radio London—ARE YOU DYING???

Yoooooo! Ho ho hooooooo! Maybe a little too soon for the Santa greetings, but whatever, IT’S THANKSGIVING HERE IN THE U.S., which means that I’ve officially pulled out my clear bin full of balls and plan on hanging at least one fake garland before the day is out. (Then again, I live across the street from the world’s cutest Parisian floral designer, so I should probably go over there with a beret on and a cigarette and pretend to be

Nov 25, 2020

I Wrote a Book About Changing Careers—And Here’s My Advice to Donald J. Trump, CAPS PIRATE III

Walking around the house this morning looking like my best self—AKA with an oversized Columbia fleece and these really, really thin sweatpants from Target that kind of make my ass look like a bouncy miracle???—and that’s when it hit me: Donald Trump really needs to read The Middle Finger Project. Not just because of the book title—though “The Middle Finger Project” is rather convenient for the context—but because it seems like the man is in *desperate* need of some solid

Nov 18, 2020

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