Client Scripts and Templates Archives » The Middle Finger Project

16 Words That’ll Help You Defeat Refund Bullies Over the Phone 💪 📞

I hate phone calls. In fact, there are fewer things I hate than when my phone rings. The first thought: WHO DARES…HAVE THE NERVE…TO CALL…UNINVITED?!? It’s basically the modern equivalent of dropping in on someone unannounced—especially if it’s a video call. Quick, hide the mannequin! Hide the hamburgers! Hide MY ENTIRE FACE! (Oh, you don’t have mannequins and hamburgers lying around? I’M SORRY.) I know I’m not alone—at least with the phone call bit. 😉 This is hilariously one of

Apr 16, 2021

On Giving Refunds with Kindness (But Taking No Shit)

“Btw, I need your advice on something!” I knew instantly what she was going to ask me. It’s the same thing that all my friends come to me for advice for. Not talking shit to boys, which was obviously my favorite past-time in college 🤷‍♀️, but rather, a different kind of talk: How to word hard emails. So we ordered a round of mango mimosas—as one does on the beach of Costa Rica at Sunday brunch—and my wedding planner friend

Apr 13, 2021

💌 Free Email Template 💌 Pay Your Invoice, Bitch

Omg, just kidding, don’t call any of your clients “bitch.” Maybe in your head but definitely don’t say it aloud. However, you know what you probably should do? Get any and all of your outstanding invoices paid up before the end of the year, squitch*! Now’s the time—and not just because you need extra money for a Peloton / giant Christmas ham. (Have you seen how expensive they are?! The ham, not the Peloton…though have you seen how expensive a

Dec 16, 2020

💌 Free Email Template 💌 Switch Your Clients to Retainer the Easy Way

It’s that time of yeeeeaaaar! No, not the holidays. Fuck the holidays. (Just kidding, I LOVE the holidays.) (Ugh, a jolly asshole like me would.) Rather, it’s the time of year for you to announce to your clients your intentions for your 2021 rates—and perhaps (perhaps???) a switch over to—drum roll—retainer. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn! RETAINERS!!!!!! THEY’RE FREELANCE O’S!!!!! (YOU KNOW WHAT THE “O” WORD IS, BUT I FEAR THIS EMAIL WILL GO STRAIGHT INTO THE S-FOLDER IF I DARE SAY

Dec 9, 2020

Should You Talk Politics in Business? Or Stay Neutral and Keep Your Mouth Shut?

THIS WEEK, am I right? I literally didn’t sleep on Tuesday. Then I finally get to sleep, and wake up to this morning. How can you be talking about anything else right now? *cue the person who’s definitely sending out emails right now about making the perfect pumpkin spiced latte* Is that jarring to you? It’s a bit jarring to me—like someone running in the room and shouting, “There’s an active shooter outside and he’s coming for us all!” and

Oct 2, 2020

Talking Trash: How It Helped Elect the World’s Most Dangerous President

“There’s your dad.” It was ~the line~ growing up. We’d race to see who could whisper it first: an elderly man jogging by with a wedgie; a New Yorker passing through with a gold medallion necklace; a guy down at the gas station missing too many front teeth; the bank teller who was just a little too stern. My go-to response was always: “Probably—want me to ask him out for ya?” This kind of banter was par for the course;

Sep 29, 2020

Can Americans Ever Like Each Other Again?

72.14% That’s a good chunk, right? Say, if I were to eat 72.14% of a Domino’s pizza, we’d all be like, “WHOA, ASH IS MURDERING THAT THING.” Similarly, if you were to drink 72.14% of the wine, I might murder you. This is an equal opportunity kitchen, thank you very much. Because 72.14% is pretty basically three-fourths of a whole, which is otherwise known as “most of it!” And in the year 2016, most of the people! in the rural

Sep 22, 2020

A Note on Writing, Politics & What the Hell We’re Doing Now

Hey. I really wanted to send you a personal note (wait, who am I kidding, they’re all my personal notes) to say thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here. Thanks for sticking with me through a launch like we just completed. (I know sometimes my emails are…a lot. You should see how excitable I am in person.) I’m going to work even harder moving forward to get you what you need—whether it’s finding your voice, inspiration & ideas

Sep 18, 2020

Psst—Here’s an Original, Thoughtful, Fun-Loving Holiday Script to Send Your Clients TODAY (So It Doesn’t Look Like You Forgot!)

So it’s the Friday before Christmas and you’ve PROBABLY JUST REALIZED THAT YOU ARE OUT OF TIME. I know, happens so quickly, doesn’t it? I’ve got a whole list of people that I intended to send presents to, but didn’t. Because I am an excellent planner. But at least my shriveled little heart was in the right place! If this is you…and if you’re like, oh booby tassel on a stick, I probably should have sent my clients ~something~, fear

Dec 20, 2019

The Four Paragraph Email You ~Need~ to Memorize For When Clients Owe You Money (But You Aren’t Sure What to SAY)

Recently, my friend S called and said: “Shit, balls, fuck, I’m running out of cash flow—my clients owe me money but they haven’t paid yet and I don’t know what to…say?” Okay, so maybe I added the “shit, balls, fuck” bit, but you know it’s exactly what’s going through your mind unless you’re a Mormon. Not that I have anything against Mormons, but let’s all stick to our strengths here, shall we? (Yes, my strengths are li-ter-ary.) So I told

Oct 30, 2019

Category: Client Scripts and Templates