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I hate phone calls. In fact, there are fewer things I hate than when my phone rings. The first thought: WHO DARES…HAVE THE NERVE…TO CALL…UNINVITED?!? It’s basically the modern equivalent of dropping in on someone unannounced—especially if it’s a video call. Quick, hide the mannequin! Hide the hamburgers! Hide MY ENTIRE FACE! (Oh, you don’t […]
“Btw, I need your advice on something!” I knew instantly what she was going to ask me. It’s the same thing that all my friends come to me for advice for. Not talking shit to boys, which was obviously my favorite past-time in college 🤷‍♀️, but rather, a different kind of talk: How to word […]
Omg, just kidding, don’t call any of your clients “bitch.” Maybe in your head but definitely don’t say it aloud. However, you know what you probably should do? Get any and all of your outstanding invoices paid up before the end of the year, squitch*! Now’s the time—and not just because you need extra money […]
It’s that time of yeeeeaaaar! No, not the holidays. Fuck the holidays. (Just kidding, I LOVE the holidays.) (Ugh, a jolly asshole like me would.) Rather, it’s the time of year for you to announce to your clients your intentions for your 2021 rates—and perhaps (perhaps???) a switch over to—drum roll—retainer. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn! RETAINERS!!!!!! […]
THIS WEEK, am I right? I literally didn’t sleep on Tuesday. Then I finally get to sleep, and wake up to this morning. How can you be talking about anything else right now? *cue the person who’s definitely sending out emails right now about making the perfect pumpkin spiced latte* Is that jarring to you? […]
“There’s your dad.” It was ~the line~ growing up. We’d race to see who could whisper it first: an elderly man jogging by with a wedgie; a New Yorker passing through with a gold medallion necklace; a guy down at the gas station missing too many front teeth; the bank teller who was just a little […]
72.14% That’s a good chunk, right? Say, if I were to eat 72.14% of a Domino’s pizza, we’d all be like, “WHOA, ASH IS MURDERING THAT THING.” Similarly, if you were to drink 72.14% of the wine, I might murder you. This is an equal opportunity kitchen, thank you very much. Because 72.14% is pretty […]
Hey. I really wanted to send you a personal note (wait, who am I kidding, they’re all my personal notes) to say thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here. Thanks for sticking with me through a launch like we just completed. (I know sometimes my emails are…a lot. You should see how excitable […]
So it’s the Friday before Christmas and you’ve PROBABLY JUST REALIZED THAT YOU ARE OUT OF TIME. I know, happens so quickly, doesn’t it? I’ve got a whole list of people that I intended to send presents to, but didn’t. Because I am an excellent planner. But at least my shriveled little heart was in […]
Recently, my friend S called and said: “Shit, balls, fuck, I’m running out of cash flow—my clients owe me money but they haven’t paid yet and I don’t know what to…say?” Okay, so maybe I added the “shit, balls, fuck” bit, but you know it’s exactly what’s going through your mind unless you’re a Mormon. […]
