Category: Client Scripts and Templates

The Four Paragraph Email You ~Need~ to Memorize For When Clients Owe You Money (But You Aren’t Sure What to SAY)

Recently, my friend S called and said: “Shit, balls, fuck, I’m running out of cash flow—my clients owe me money but they haven’t paid yet and I don’t know what to…say?” Okay, so maybe I added the “shit, balls, fuck” bit, but you know it’s exactly what’s going through your mind unless you’re a Mormon. Not that I have anything against Mormons, but let’s all stick to our strengths here, shall we? (Yes, my strengths are li-ter-ary.) So I told

The Halloween Email Your Clients Will LOVE (Hint: It’s a Promo ~In Disguise~)

It’s Halloween: and that doesn’t only mean gluing a bunch of paint samples to your shirt and showing up to parties as “50 Shades of Gray” (ACE), it also means it’s a killer opportunity to run a fun promo and become even more memorable in the minds of your clients. Every holiday is a chance to make ‘em fall in love with you a little bit more, and if you do it right? You can even double down on your

Taking Time Off for the Holidays but HAVEN’T TOLD YOUR CLIENTS? Here’s a Proven Script You Can Use (That Won’t Put Anyone’s Undies in a Bunch)

Last week I gave you a savage script for what to say when you want to raise your rates come the New Year—without seeming like a total grabby, greedy, ungrateful weirdo. But guess what? This fun train’s just begun, because this week, YOU GET ANUTHAAA ONEEEE. It’s the middle of December, my friend, and that means that if you have not yet told your clients that—HI, YOU ARE TAKING OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS (assuming you are not a celibate cyborg)—you’re

Boo-Yah, Time to Raise Your Rates! Here’s a Proven Script You Can Use (That Won’t Even Make It a Little Bit Awkward)

Haiiiiiiiiii! It’s December, and you know what that means! TIME TO RAISE YOUR RATES. You need to send the following email to your clients RIGHT NOW. (Like, right now. Especially because today is Friday, and this email is always served best on a Friday with a beer.) Now then. *clears throat* This miraculous email that you’re going to write, that you’re almost kind of shitting a brick to write, but that you’re going to write anyway because you are a

How to Introduce Yourself at a Dinner Party Like a Cool-As-A-Cucumber BALLER

“So, what do you do?” These are the words WE ALL DREAD, FAM. Even professional communicators—cough cough—who work online and write inappropriate blog posts and whose job titles can’t easily be corralled onto some adorable fucktard pin. This past week, however, I had the opportunity to reflect on the personal intro more than ever when I found myself at not one, but TWO separate dinner parties with two sets of humans who were decidedly not indoctrinated in the online world.

How to Write the Perfect Cold-Call Email—Without Making Yourself Sound Like a Grabby Psycho

Psycho is a good word, isn’t it? Ditto psychobitch, which I really gotta use more. (WE ALL KNOW SOMEBODY…) But when cold-emailing a potential client whose money you would love to have—ahem—we don’t want you to be that person. Not only will you be deleted faster than Barr. David Newton Esq. of Nigeria, you’ll be wasting all of your precious time palm-sweating your way through an email not even you would read. Which brings me to an important point: isn’t

How to (Naturally!) Transition Into a Good-Natured Sales Pitch Over The Phone—Without Seeming Like a Total Greedy, Awkward, Weirdo Troll

It’s the moment you’ve been dreading. You’re there, on the phone. It’s almost time to wrap up. There’s THE awkward silence. You know you’re suppose to try and sell them some kind of 3-month package—or some other salesy bullshit—but how do you transition the godforsaken conversation?! This is so not natural for you. The whole thing feels forced, contrived, totally fake. You’d rather lose the business than have to ever utter the words, “And now, for a limited time!” But

The One Line Script That Will Help You Raise Your Rates Without Sweating, Swearing or Sounding Like a Greedy, No-Good, Finger-Licking Arse

When I worked in magazine advertising sales, every year we were sent a copy of the new rate cards from corporate. And every year, we account executives would then proceed to send an email to our clients that would say: “Hey, Janey-babe! Here’s this year’s new rate card for your records.” It wasn’t personal. Nor was it a big deal. It just was what it was: the new rate for the new year (with higher prices). And yet, most freelancers

“…Is There Any Movement On The Price?”

Her name was A. She had funk to her; style. She was a bohemian turned business woman, and a proper English girl, at heart. She was tall, self-assured, and the kind of woman who refreshingly said, “no thanks” without worrying about hurting your feelings. No thanks, I don’t drink. No thanks, I’ve got to get to bed. No thanks, I’ve got my own ride. But perhaps the “no thanks” I appreciated the most related to a story she told as

“Getting On the Phone With Clients Makes Me Want to Projectile VOMIT”

“Let’s hop on a call” strikes VAMPIRE-LIKE-TERROR into the heart of new business owners and experienced ones alike. When I took a survey asking why, here were some of the answers: Just puhleezze buy it…don’t make me ask!! The first 10 seconds are so awkward! I hate small talk but never know how to start the conversation right. I want to sound like a girl with brains and someone to be reckoned with—but I have no idea how. I hate