Category: Hate Your Job?

“The Money’s Too Good to Give Up” and Other Nonsense I am GOING TO SPANK WITH A JELLYFISH

I am in NO MOOD today. Nope, no mood for pussyfooting around—and don’t be offended by my usage of that word, as its etymology is related to little kitty cat paws, which are adorable and sweet, just 👏 like 👏 me. [Cue sinister laughter] There’s one thing I have had it with, and I’m about to get out a giant alpine horn and shout it all over France. It’s not COVID-19 (though that over-seasoned crotch nugget* can hump right off),

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“I Don’t Know What I Want to Dooooo, And I’m Kinda Confused, and I’m Feeling Like a Flakey Little Fruitcake, Ash!”

WITTY BANTER. Biggest turn-on ever. (Because we’re just opening with that, okay?) Like, I don’t even care if you’re wearing coveralls and haven’t shaved in forty-nine years: if you’re witty, I’m going to want to jump your bones. Which I won’t do, ahem, given that I’m in a relationship and all, but this is a hypothetical jumping of the bones, which is definitely allowed, as decreed by Queen Ambirge of The Middle Finger Project Kingdom of the North. First of

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UM, QUESTION: What are the Things You Hate, Actually *Giving* You…Homie?

They say that a behavior stays alive because it serves you in some way. AKA, If you’re eating the entire fridge, it might be because you actually hate your work and you’re trying to escape it any way you can, because YOU ARE TIRED AND YOU NEED A BREAK BUT YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A GOOD GIRL TO GIVE YOURSELF ONE. *smooths skirt* I think about this often. Like, while I have Downton Abbey reruns playing in the background, and

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If You Ain’t Feelin’ Your Work Anymore: HONEY, BURN THAT ISH DOWN.

So, here’s an idea: making money is not courageous. Anybody can ring a bell for twenty years. “Look, ma—I’ve been standing over here ringing this bell for two entire decades—durh, durh, durh—and I finally got a sticker!” Making money is a relatively straightforward consequence of showing up to breathe in the right place. Cause and effect. We’re lucky to live in a society that affords us that luxury. But I would argue that society has the upper hand, for it

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What to Do When Your Work No Longer Inspires You—And Everything Feels Like Ass-Flavored Drudgery

CUE THE SCOTTISH CALVARY: I TURNED IN THE BOOK MANUSCRIPT TO PENGUIN ON FRIDAY! And then I proceeded to immediately shoved a pound of brownies in my face! Which I am celebrating! Because books and brownies! And, holy shit, I’m pretty sure March 1st, 2019 will forever be a personal holiday. (To clarify, these were not illegal brownies. I don’t eat those. But my friend Chelsea is a pastry chef, and so I’m just going to leave that sentence right

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We Need You to Give Yourself the Job

Today I will drive twenty six miles on backroads, through crisp autumn air, past dairy farms and old Citgo stations, and up a giant hill to my alma mater, Blue Ridge High School, here in rural Pennsylvania. I’m speaking to a group of seniors. Hijacking their last class of the day as I hoist myself atop a desk and sit cross legged to tell them about my job. This job that no one gave me, but that I gave to

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10 Reminders We All Need When We’re Ugly Crying Into Our Vodka and Hate Our Jobs

First of all, if you’re actually crying into your vodka, you must be drinking from an exceptionally wide glass. I commend you. Second, I made this list the other night when I was awake at three o’clock in the morning because isn’t that what everybody does at three o’clock in the morning? Makes lists? And then publishes them on the Internet? Fuck, how I love the Internet. Though I do not like having to capitalize “Internet” because it reminds me

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“I Want to Do Something Else…But What?” Welcome To The Fucking Question That Everyone Is Asking Themselves.

I have a dirty little hypothesis. It’s about the discontent. The unrest. This global epidemic that’s happening behind closed doors of women wanting something else. It’s why the LuLaRoe, the Advocare, the Younique. It’s why books like Eat, Pray, Love became bestsellers. It’s why we’re spending so much time on the Internet, too, and drinking eleventy billion bottles of wine with lunch. (NOT THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, SAYS THE GIRL WHO JUST DRANK A PROSECCO AT THE

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Stop Waiting to “Be Ready.” Or “Have Your Ducks in a Row.” Or Until the Baby is Born, or the House is Built, or the Kids Are Older / More Independent / Less of a Pain in the Ass.

I hear people talk about job security all the time, as if this were a real thing. But people really seem to like the concept, you know? I mean, I can’t think of anything more comforting than 40 years of standing in an elevator every day with Lou from HR. <Wide, delirious eyes.> I’m not sure why that’s the rationale—it would terrify me to rely on so many external variables to determine whether or not I earn an income. It’s

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Don’t Sell Your Soul—Sell Your SKILLS.

Everybody knows how to do something, and that includes you. And guess what? That means you can teach someone else. And whatever you can teach someone, you can sell to someone. …And I say that without a shred of snake oil. Knowledge is what makes our world go ‘round. Now, more than ever, you can build a business in which your know-how is the product. You don’t need a store front. You don’t need any investors. And you definitely don’t

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