“I Don’t Know What I Want to Dooooo, And I’m Kinda Confused, and I’m Feeling Like a Flakey Little Fruitcake, Ash!”

WITTY BANTER. Biggest turn-on ever. (Because we’re just opening with that, okay?) Like, I don’t even care if you’re wearing coveralls and haven’t shaved in forty-nine years: if you’re witty, I’m going to want to jump your bones. Which I won’t do, ahem, given that I’m in a relationship and all, but this is a hypothetical jumping of the bones, which is definitely allowed, as decreed by Queen Ambirge of The Middle Finger Project Kingdom of the North.

First of all, are you with me on this? The whole witty banter thing? If I could only pick ONE mildly superficial quality in a partner, that might have to be it. There’s nothing like a good verbal spar. Not only is it attractive as hell, it makes you feel connected to one another. Like you’re the only two people in the room, and you’re having the greatest word sex alive. It’s the best foreplay. You hardly even need any bitty tickles after that. The witty tickles are much more effective.

At least, this is how I feel about life. I’m bringing it up, not because I want you to rethink your subscription to The Middle Finger Project and the lunatic that writes here (HI!!!), but because I was trying to think of a fun example of something I know for absolutely certain about myself. And that is definitely one thing I’m positively sure about: I’m a sucker for wit. I crave it, I love it, I respect it, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel understood. It makes me feel like the world isn’t a giant asshole. Because that’s what connection does: it makes you feel…safe.

And also apparently sexy.

A few other things I know for sure about myself? I’m an ideas person, not an operations person. My brain works best at five o’clock in the morning. I find long-term projects very rewarding when they’re one of my own, but torturous when they’re with a client. I like closure. I like a fast pace. I need to be learning new things in order to be happy. A significant portion of my budget for investments goes towards travel, because I’ve found it to be one of the best investments there is. Boutique hotels make me more excited than almost anything on the planet. I can turn anything into a business. (And I probably will.) I’m better than most people at making money. I’m also better than most people at selling their work—which is why the former applies. I’m terrible at logistics. I want nothing to do with an office. My mind races around at 90 mph, so I always need people to help me stay organized. Building new things fascinates me. Stagnancy murders me. And by golly, if you forget to bring my extra side of buffalo, I WILL SLAY YOU.

The reason I’m bringing all of that up? I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how so much of our suffering comes from not really knowing who we are or what we want or what we need. I mean, what are the things you can list that you know for sure about yourself? I’m not just talking about witty banter; I’m talking about the bigger stuff. What do you love? What makes you come alive? What’s your greatest superpower? What do you freaking want?

If you can’t answer those questions, you can’t steer your life. Like, if I didn’t know that I need travel the way most people need air, I wouldn’t have known to prioritize flexibility with my career—and I might have committed to doing more local work that required my physical presence. Likewise, if I didn’t know that I need intellectual banter in a partner, I wouldn’t know to prioritize that: I’d just be dating dude after dude with massive side burns. (SIDE BURNS!) I wouldn’t really have any meaningful criteria by which to go by. And when you don’t have any criteria, you don’t have any control.

The same applies to your work and your life.

What do you know that you need? What standards have you set for yourself? What’s the criteria by which you’re making decisions? Do you have any? Or are you just letting events happen to you, like a giant free for all?

The first step in figuring out what you want to do is figuring out who you are. What makes you tick? What makes you burst out in fucking song? What makes you happy? And how can you organize your work and your life around those priorities?

It’s time to make some demands, ladies.

You ain’t here to carry out a bunch of mediocre, unremarkable duties. You’re here to have fun and enjoy your life. So, it’s worth considering: what does that actually mean? It’s only by answering that question, that you can begin to answer the others.



Unpopular Ideas for Living a Happier Life.

More Posts from: