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On My Red Hot, Sinfully Sexy Affair.

In: Life,


I’m currently gnawing on a big, squishy, ripe red tomato.

Right now. As I type this.

I’m forking salty chunks into my mouth as I hope (but not pray–I’m pretty bad at that) that tomato seed juice doesn’t dribble all over my keyboard.

Before my current lusty, red hot tomato affair, I was getting a massage.

I woke up at 5am to write, like I do every day, worked all morning until 2pm, and then showed up at a random Costa Rican lady’s home that I had never been to before for the massage.

As I lay in ecstasy on the table, in my little black bikini, there was a moment when I realized just how damn beautiful this life is. Right there, in this cracked cement-floored house, on this makeshift table covered in a faded yellow sheet with a border of teddy bears lining the edges, the fan blowing a breeze all over my tanned (and now oil-covered) skin, a flute-like version of Unchained Melody humming from the nearby boombox, and the faintest hints of the loveliest thunder booming in the distance.

It really is the little things.

And ever since my energy-fused, coffee-laden, excitement-filled One Night Stand call with the vixen-like Audrey, whose main focus is on helping women experience as much unbridled, uninhibited pleasure in their every day lives, I’ve been thinking a lot about it–which is precisely what prompted me to schedule today’s massage.

And you know what? I’m going for another one tomorrow.

Very unapologetically.

Audrey’s right–life’s too short to not seek out pleasure every single damn day, and be a little selfish. Selfish, my friends, can be sexy.

And with that, I’m challenging you to do the same.



The day after that.

And the day after that. 

You’re not a slave to anyone or anything. And that includes yourself.

Get selfish. Get self-indulgent. Do everything for you, and nothing for anyone else for once. Push the fuck you button on the phone the next time someone calls. Go take a long bath, and put on your hottest lingerie. And then have a deliciously scandalous, off-the-charts, blissful, sinful affair with yourself.

You deserve it.

(Probably, unless you’re a serial killer, in which case…tsk tsk.)


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21 thoughts on "On My Red Hot, Sinfully Sexy Affair."

  1. It’s ALL about the upside down pineapple rum cake. And if that doesn’t exist, somebody needs to get on the ball with the rum infusion like the gourmet burger restaurant here in Vegas who served me up an Almond Joy Milkshake – vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, shaved almonds, coconut and MALIBU RUM. Holy hell I’m getting a mouth boner just naming off these ingredients. NOM. FUCKING. NOM.

    This is very cool that you’re bringing consciousness to this topic of enlightened feminine self-interest.

    I’ve got a lot to say on this topic and let me preface it by saying that you should take what I say with a grain of salt since what I”m saying reflects nothing but my continually evolving opinions and experience. I’m open to coming upon something new tomorrow and having my whole understanding
    turned upside down and enriched. It just plain makes common sense to me that buying into anything more than 50% is asking to be paralyzed by contradictions and emerging wisdom that is sure to arrive because there’s always two sides and there’s always the next level. All we have is perspective and all of our perspectives are biased. So what I’m about to lay down is what I believe as of today.

    All of these acts you’ve recommended are nurturing for women who are at home in their feminine radiant energy (surrendering to touch, to music, textures, chocolate, dancing, animated and passionate conversations, dressing up – read: putting yourself together in a stunning fashion either conservatively or in a naughty way, etc.) who have to wear their masculine energy (scheduling, giving direction, meeting deadlines, crunching numbers, etc.) during the day in their profession.

    Feminine radiance is LIFE. It’s the essence of everything that changes –
    weather, nature, colors, music, art, scents, etc. The world would be an extremely bland, dull, and shriveled up place without it – you could call this hell.

    Masculine energy is DEATH. It’s the part
    of you that never changes, the you that is you now and that was you
    going back to your earliest memory, the part of you that likes
    nothingness – zoning out in front of the TV, meditation, sleep, being free from constriction by overcoming challenges, risking death – financial (stock market, gambling, etc.) or physical (fighting, race car driving, rock climbing, etc.), the after glow of orgasms or as the French call it, La Petite Mort – The Little Death, etc. Without this energy, nothing would get done.

    All humans, gay-straight-or bi, have both of these energies within us and we all have one or the other that we
    call home.

    If you aren’t certain what’s home for you, one of the easiest ways to tell is to think in sexual terms – Do you prefer to take, or do you prefer to be taken? Do you want your lover to be bigger/stronger than you, or to be smaller and weaker?  If submission and surrendering gets you wet (men get wet when stimulated too, just not as much :), you have a dominant feminine essence.

    I think a lot of women in business can cheat themselves when they think they have to squelch either their masculine or feminine essence and don’t effectively tap into and maximize both. This line of thinking would lead a woman who has a dominant feminine essence who is running a business as a one-person show, who wears all the hats, to buy into the idea that she needs to stop “wasting time?” on feminine rituals in pursuit of the never ending hamster wheel that is driving work projects to completion and putting out fires.

    But there are different levels of femininity in the work environment.

    At one end of the spectrum you’ve got the airhead Monica Lewinsky-esque energy and at the polar opposite end you’ve got the ball-busting Hillary Clinton-esque energy.

    Now our society is shifting where I believe that a great deal of men in their effort to not be their macho asshole chauvinistic 1950’s style dads are turning into indecisive, directionless pussies by going too far into the other direction and a lot of women are doing their damnedest to avoid being their dependent house wife mothers and this leads to them swinging the pendulum too far and believing that in order to be taken seriously they have to put 95% of their feminine radiance in a choke hold and become Janet Reno. 

    And likewise, you see different ranges of masculine essence in society.

    Think about this, who’s got the bigger set of balls – Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama. I vote for Hillary. And it’s not like Barrack is some total wimp but he ain’t no shiny example of an enlightened pillar of masculine strength like say, a Tony Robbins is.

    You see, in my book Barack has a strike against him based purely on the fact that he’s a politician immersed in a sick environment which is the whole toxic cesspool that is our political system. The constitution and the bill of rights kick ass but the system attracts and welcomes petty fame-horror shit-weasel leeches. 99% of politicians don’t show up to office in order to give, they show up to get.

    Now understand, I’m addressing Barack’s impression upon me based on his
    behavior I see and the results he produces. I know it takes an
    incredibly strong person to sit and take thousands upon thousands of
    people shitting on you, blaming you for the world’s problems. Most
    people couldn’t handle that part of Barack’s job for 1 hour let alone 4
    years. So I recognize this man’s strength and I also recognize there’s
    another level up.

    Tony Robbins has thousands of people shitting on him and his
    “motivational message” (probably a lot less now that Oprah has become his new
    best friend). And despite people hating on him, he is a smart, make-it-happen,
    tell-it-like-it-is, hard-driving, results-driven male with a HUMONGAFIED heart
    and an incredible level of emotional intelligence that allows him to feel into
    another person, understand their world, and lead them to take action that helps
    them tap their potential to shine love, light, and innovation into their daily

    I can’t imagine where our country would be today with men and women leading with this style – channeling both masculine and feminine strength and giving them in the form of tactics and strategies that get you to pull your head out of your ass, believe in yourself, take responsibility for your life and go out in the world and make shit happen.

    Women are continuing to ascend higher and higher in our western society and I can’t wait till more of them take leadership positions in our country. But what I don’t yearn for are zombie women who have lopped off their femininity in pursuit of power because I don’t believe that would lead to their leadership being enhanced by their feminine intuition, playfulness, love, and light (Like a Tony Robbins) but would rather just be a  version of the analytical, anal, petty, masculine business as usual – with a pair of bewbies attached.

    Hell, even as kick ass as Hillary is, I think she’d be even more influential if she shined more love through her eyes and her heart and her voice. You can’t argue with Hillary’s success relative to where women were in this country fifty short years ago but I ask, “How high is high?”

    Hillary doesn’t hide the fact she’s a woman doing big things but something is missing in her presence and her energy.

    Listen to her voice – dull.

    Gestures – stilted, not easy like the breeze.

    Facial expressions – serious with a side of forced smiling and forced laughter.

    And last but not least, look at how she has almost zero of the Sexual Threat kind of energy – “I’m a motherfuckin’ sexual AND sexy multi-orgasmic beast who surrenders fully to my partner and lets them drive me to the point of ecstasy where I lose absolute control of my body” exuding from her.

    I’ve never had a sexual fantasy about Hillary. This has nothing to do with her age. Shit, I think I had Sophia Loren in my spank bank at the time she starred in Grumpier Old Men. Sophia was STILL working it at that age. Here’s a clip just in case you forgot (she’s at the 1:35 mark) … 

    It has EVERYTHING to do with her energy.

    You question this and think Hillary is like Sophia behind closed doors outside of the public eye? I disagree. Look at Monica Lewinsky. Even in her prime, she wasn’t winning any Ms. Universe contests. Yet Bill Clinton is quoted as saying what he loved about her was that she lit up the room when she walked into it. I imagine that when Hillary marches into a room her masculine intensity creates the kind of effect Dark Helmet from Space Balls does . . .

    Hell, maybe I’m completely wrong and Hillary is at home in her masculine and she’s in bliss dominating a man and this
    whole Janet Reno act of hers isn’t an act at all but is actually the
    full expression of the gifts she was blessed with.

    If this is so, I’m
    ecstatic for her and wish for her to keep doing what makes her heart sing. But if it isn’t, I feel bad for the way she allowed herself to be type cast into the role she’s playing.

    One thing people don’t get is that men don’t cheat or leave for a better option in the sense of smarter, richer, or more attractive. They flock to better energy. So if the guy is married or otherwise involved he could seek this vibe in porn with the giddy 18 year olds starring in the films or, any woman he comes in contact with during the day who’s energy is open rather than closed, soft rather than hard, breathing smoothly to her belly instead of shallow and into her chest, with hips that flow like the ocean when she walks vs. hips that are rigid and robotic, eye contact that is deep and inviting vs. the dead shark eyes.

    And the paradox is, most men don’t deserve this kind of energy because they’re douche canoe oinker assholes. A good rule of thumb to operate from is that the majority is wrong about EVERYTHING – especially when it comes to relationships. So if a woman senses she’s wrangled one of the good few and her close friends she trusts confirm this for her, she better get her energy right or else he’s gonna rummaging through the bottom of the barrel again or settling for another loser because she ran her Indiana Jones away.

    It’s troubling for me to think that some women might see Hillary and believe that in order to make it big time they can’t express the full spectrum of their being.

    And you know what? It seems to me that this mentality is carrying over to the
    entertainment industry where in this day and age creativity and self-expression
    are more uncensored than ever.

    Chelsea Handler, a woman who’s writing I love so much I want to take it behind the junior high and get it pregnant, a woman who makes me laugh my ass off, fits into my category of frigid women.

    I marvel at this woman’s renegade spirit and her willingness to say exactly
    what she’s thinking and to laugh at herself. And yet, she wears both a hostile
    listening AND speaking face on screen and manages to pull this off while being
    surrounded with funny people and getting paid handsomely to think funny on a
    consistent basis.

    Tina Fey is another women that’s not as raw as Chelsea but has the same thing in
    common having no problem at all with poking fun at herself and her mistakes and being surrounded by funny people but she doesn’t come across on film as being the bitter-beer woman.

    If you’ve seen her show, you know what I mean and if you haven’t here’s a
    clip that gives you an idea of what I’m referring to when I say “Hostile
    listening and speaking face” . . .

    The corners of her mouth that slam down and her ice pick tongue are traits of the jilted lover.

    Something doesn’t add up. I would’ve never guessed she came across this way in
    person from reading her three books, which I did before I ever watched her show.
    And you know what this points out to me? How deceiving writing and glamor shot
    photos can be.

    You can talk a good game in your writing and have decent photos on hand but when someone sees you in motion on video, they get the full effect. Marie Forleo is a brilliant example of a woman who uses video to edu-tain (educate and entertain) and bring her message to life and this is a shining example of how she does so . . .

    Now I don’t believe everyone should stop writing and start doing video but there should be at least some video in your mix (as long as you’re not on creeper status) and you should MOST DEFINITELY do this if people would consider you hot and you have a radiant presence.

    And you don’t have to have a professional set up like Marie to do so. You can
    have this positive effect on people even if it’s only a tease like the Skype
    chat you posted here . .

    You, Ashley, are in the next generation of women who I sense feel free to enlighten and inspire people through BOTH your radiance AND your intellect. The cover photos here on your site scream “FEMININE RADIANCE” . . . all without the help of the world’s most expensive photographers, make up artists, Botox or photo editing software money can buy.

    Hillary was raised in a different time and she blazes a trail for women to both follow in . . . and I believe, move beyond.

    She earned her stripes coming up in an era and a part of the country where radiance was for beauty pageants; not the business world. Being mechanic and business-like in public is what brung (love using that trailer trash word) her to the dance so it’s not hard to see why it’s so much a part of her. But I hope she does what you’re advising here and has feminine rituals in place that reconnect her to that part of who she is.

    One of my treasured mentors once told a hard driving woman executive who
    was disconnected from her feminine and looking for ways to plug back in that she should find ways to
    re-connect with it – even during the day while working in her office

    The suggestion given was that she should kick ass at work just like any of the other guys there but that she shouldn’t
    completely unplug from her feminine energy – the lioness who’s nurturing
    but who can also rip your fucking head off and gnaw on it if you threaten her cubs.

    He suggested two practices that you yourself would only be aware of and one that would be visible to everyone . . .

    1) Put an end to covering your divine offerings with your Grandma’s
    utilitarian bras and panties and start wearing sexy bras and panties under her
    business attire.

    This way when you think of and feel those parts of your body during the day
    you can feel that innocent jolt of sexiness that as of now, you’ve only allowed yourself to
    feel when “It’s about to be on…” or… someday far far off in the future when
    maybe you’ll let yourself to feel sexy.

    2) Paint your goddamn nails. If reds, purples, and yellows upon your fingers and toes light you up, polish away. Toss the clear polish. 
    3) Masturbate in the bathroom. Yep. Take a break from being the H.B.I.C. (Head
    Bitch In Charge) and go into one of the stalls in the ladies room and strum the
    banjo and feel those rich pulses unique to your womanhood and celebrate and bask
    in them. Then come down and saunter into the conference room and show the boys
    how to run a staff meeting like a fuckin’ pro!

    Yes, the American empire is something Hillary has to take serious but I don’t believe it should be at the expense of her snuffing out her femininity for all it’s juicy worth if that’s what her heart actually desires.

    And I don’t see how indulging herself in any of those three activities would take away from her ability to do her job. I think that in reality, if these practices put her in a more resourceful state of mind, they’d serve to enhance her masculine skill set.

    Maybe Hillary and Chelsea have a shell(s) covering the giddy, girly, 5 year old
    who loved dancing and singing and hugging. Maybe child abuse or other events
    caused them to block that part of themselves. The good news is that your mind
    can block those memories and sensations but it never forgets what it knows.You
    only have to remember who you are at your core, open your heart and welcome your essence home.

    Which is why I completely agree with the closing of your piece . . .

    Get selfish. Get self-indulgent. Do everything for you, and nothing
    for anyone else for once. Push the fuck you button on the phone the next
    time someone calls. Go take a long bath, and put on your hottest
    lingerie. And then have a deliciously scandalous, off-the-charts,
    blissful, sinful affair with yourself.

    You deserve it.

    I know I went a wee long here Ashley so if it’s fuckin’ with the flow of your page, feel free to axe it. I promise no butt hurt feelings will arise in me being that I’m being selfish and copying and pasting this and turning it into a post for my site. 🙂 Thank you so much for being an inspiration! .