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YOU F*cking Press Two! Or, 26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed.

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed: Pet Peeve Edition

  1. Those heathens who stand on the left side of the escalator. What are we, savages?
  2. What the fuck is airplane mode?
  3. Socially illiterate jack offs who don't pick up on the verbal cue that I WANT TO GET OFF THE PHONE.
  4. Unauthorized double dippers.
  5. Forms that make you fill out more personal information than when running for President.
  6. Speaking of which: All passwords must end in the letter J, contain at least one prime number that, when multiplied by 5, equals the sum of your gross monthly income, does not contain the words oyster, xylophone, saran wrap, or balls) and is not the same as any other password you've ever had in your entire life. LET ME TAKE THE RISK OF BEING HACKED. IT'S MY RISK! MINE MINE MINE!
  7. Cashiers who want my phone number at the grocery store. What are you gonna do with it? You gonna call me? You gonna ring me up to ask how my day is going?
  8. “Anywho.”
  9. Calling the cable company. (You fucking press two!)
  10. Speaking of which: Listen to the following menu carefully, as our menu has changed. Fuck you! Give me the fucking options!
  11. People in the airport who have apparently never heard of the rule that, no, you can't bring your fucking bottled water through security. While you're at it, let's dump all that baby bottle milk you've got in that gargantuan sized, diaper-laden baby stroller of yours. LET ME GO FIRST.
  12. People who actually expect me to print something out, sign and fax back.
  13. Men with puffy hair.
  14. Men I'm seeing who start scintillating conversations around bathroom talk. When I said I wanted you to talk dirty, I think you got confused.
  15. The number “4” in a title of anything. Really? That taxing?
  16. Kids these days. Get off my lawn!
  17. Family style dining. Touch my chicken penne and I'll slit your throat.
  18. Forgetting to attach the attachment.
  19. Meatbags who, when forgetting to attach the attachment, always almost inevitably respond again with, “The attachment would help.” BE MORE ORIGINAL!
  20. The size XXS. Who are these assholes?
  21. Plastic packaging that requires a flamethrower and machete to pry open. Wouldn't want to risk anything happening to this in-demand, $10 plastic iPhone case some poor Vietnamese child made in a sweat shop.
  22. The fact that none of the eligible bachelors who run online businesses, are bloggers, are location independent and otherwise my dream guy EVER ASK ME OUT ON DATES.  What? You can't be bothered to fly to South America? Is that too much to ask?
  23. Morons who auto-add me to their group on Facebook.
  24. I don't want to create an account.
  25. I don't want to see your flash intro.
  26. Come to think of it, what am I doing on the internet?-
I'm not as angry as this list would make me seem. Though I am rather hungry, which could have largely contributed to the extra handful of fucks in this post.
Feb 8


I Hate Mantras, And YET—I Love This One for When You’re Kinda Sorta Shitting Your Pants

Feb 8, 2019

I have a mantra (despite wanting to slit my throat upon hearing the word “mantra.”) Are you ready? My mantra is this: WHO CARES HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? GO ANYWAY. Which sounds really kinda wrong, right? We’re a culture based on f-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-i-n-g-s. But sometimes, you have to override the ones that I call false […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life


Nov 5


Where’s Your God Damn Pineapple?

Nov 5, 2012

There’s always a reason why you shouldn’t. Shouldn’t spend the money. Shouldn’t be so frivolous. Shouldn’t miss work. Shouldn’t be irresponsible. Shouldn’t act so hastily. And a million other reasons why you shouldn’t do what you’ve been wanting to do. The real question, of course, isn’t whether you should or you shouldn’t. Because when it […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired


May 31


If Somebody Told Me to Pick a Husband at Age Twenty-Three, I’d Likely Be Waking Up Next to Some Guy Who Can’t Spell “Lemon.”

May 31, 2018

You know why we’re all unhappy and restless and jaded and depressed? LIFE IS BORING US TO TEARS. Boredom is the devil, but most people don’t realize they’re bored. They’re busy working. They’re busy running. They’re busy doing ALL THE ERRANDS and keeping up with those fucksticks, The Jones’. It doesn’t feel like they’re bored, […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life


Jun 23


Why Rule Breakers Run the World

Jun 23, 2010

I’ll admit it–I’m a tad embarrassed. I can’t decide if I’m embarrassed in light of the nonchalant display of nudity that is currently lounging alongside of me–quite proudly, and with reason, if I do say so myself–on this clothing optional beach, or if I’m embarrassed for another reason–perhaps at my own relative prudishness, something that […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired


Apr 17


Change Is Fucking Messy (Thank God)

Apr 17, 2017

Change is fucking messy. You’re effectively molding yourself, and re-molding yourself, the way a sculptor would a piece of clay. And yet, nobody says to the sculptor: Shame on you, butter fingers, for not having it perfect the first spin. Rather, there’s an expectation of process. Of trial, of error, of slow transformation; of forming, […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired


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