ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

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YOU F*cking Press Two! Or, 26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed.

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed: Pet Peeve Edition

  1. Those heathens who stand on the left side of the escalator. What are we, savages?
  2. What the fuck is airplane mode?
  3. Socially illiterate jack offs who don't pick up on the verbal cue that I WANT TO GET OFF THE PHONE.
  4. Unauthorized double dippers.
  5. Forms that make you fill out more personal information than when running for President.
  6. Speaking of which: All passwords must end in the letter J, contain at least one prime number that, when multiplied by 5, equals the sum of your gross monthly income, does not contain the words oyster, xylophone, saran wrap, or balls) and is not the same as any other password you've ever had in your entire life. LET ME TAKE THE RISK OF BEING HACKED. IT'S MY RISK! MINE MINE MINE!
  7. Cashiers who want my phone number at the grocery store. What are you gonna do with it? You gonna call me? You gonna ring me up to ask how my day is going?
  8. “Anywho.”
  9. Calling the cable company. (You fucking press two!)
  10. Speaking of which: Listen to the following menu carefully, as our menu has changed. Fuck you! Give me the fucking options!
  11. People in the airport who have apparently never heard of the rule that, no, you can't bring your fucking bottled water through security. While you're at it, let's dump all that baby bottle milk you've got in that gargantuan sized, diaper-laden baby stroller of yours. LET ME GO FIRST.
  12. People who actually expect me to print something out, sign and fax back.
  13. Men with puffy hair.
  14. Men I'm seeing who start scintillating conversations around bathroom talk. When I said I wanted you to talk dirty, I think you got confused.
  15. The number “4” in a title of anything. Really? That taxing?
  16. Kids these days. Get off my lawn!
  17. Family style dining. Touch my chicken penne and I'll slit your throat.
  18. Forgetting to attach the attachment.
  19. Meatbags who, when forgetting to attach the attachment, always almost inevitably respond again with, “The attachment would help.” BE MORE ORIGINAL!
  20. The size XXS. Who are these assholes?
  21. Plastic packaging that requires a flamethrower and machete to pry open. Wouldn't want to risk anything happening to this in-demand, $10 plastic iPhone case some poor Vietnamese child made in a sweat shop.
  22. The fact that none of the eligible bachelors who run online businesses, are bloggers, are location independent and otherwise my dream guy EVER ASK ME OUT ON DATES.  What? You can't be bothered to fly to South America? Is that too much to ask?
  23. Morons who auto-add me to their group on Facebook.
  24. I don't want to create an account.
  25. I don't want to see your flash intro.
  26. Come to think of it, what am I doing on the internet?-
I'm not as angry as this list would make me seem. Though I am rather hungry, which could have largely contributed to the extra handful of fucks in this post.
Oct 26

2012

I Need Help. (Not That Kind of Help, Jerk.)

Oct 26, 2012

In preparation for my upcoming trip to Costa Rica, Panama & Colombia, I spent $258.92 at Zara Chile yesterday. I walked out with three new pairs of daisy dukes that I will inevitably think look better on me than they actually do, as well as a ripped up white-washed jean skirt, and a top or […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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Feb 7

2013

Paper In Your Coffee

Feb 7, 2013

There are some people who don’t get the whole concept of an assembly line. You know who I’m talking about – those hanyacks at the Starbucks who come up beside you at the milk station, their panties in a bunch, tapping their foot, doing the hokey pokey at 8 o’clock in the morning because they […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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Nov 6

2011

It’s Okay If You Suck At This. Otherwise Called, “Permission to Suck.” Otherwise Called, “Longest Blog Post Title Ever Because Obnoxiously Long Blog Post Titles Are Funny.”

Nov 6, 2011

It’s okay if…you’re drowning in self-doubt. It’s okay if…you don’t know where to start. It’s okay if…you started, but want to stop. It’s okay if…you sometimes mix up your priorities. It’s okay if…you didn’t say the right thing. It’s okay if…you really fucked up the first time around. It’s okay if…you fucked up the second time […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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May 4

2010

Shattering the Current Model of Reality

May 4, 2010

Most of you reading this website are here because you want more. Tried and true may be comfortable, but boring.  The traditional life path may be safe, but uninspiring.  The status quo is average, but nothing extraordinary. You know there’s something missing, but you can’t pinpoint what, exactly, it is. We’ve essentially been told for […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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Oct 22

2013

You Think The Stakes Are High Now? Please.

Oct 22, 2013

I wonder about people. Specifically about the 50-something woman speaking softly at the table next to me, telling another woman how she desperately wants to go abroad—because, verbatim, it would be the opportunity of a lifetime—but… And her words trail off. JUST LIKE HER DREAMS. Kidding. Dramatic doesn’t look good on me. But, really. What […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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May 31

2016

“Ding, Ding, Ding! You Can Have Fun Now!”

May 31, 2016

I’m going to England tomorrow. By which I mean I’m stepping inside a long metal torpedo and sitting my fat ass down on some murky blue pleather for an exact distance of 5,429 miles across a cold, dreary ocean that always makes me wonder things I shouldn’t ever wonder. Like: Would I actually remain calm […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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Oct 23

2012

How to Be a Human.

Oct 23, 2012

I sat in a plaza yesterday, behind La Moneda–Chile’s version of The White House. Diagonal paths come from all directions and meet up in the center, before darting off in opposite directions. People walk gruffly, generally ignoring one another–cell phones, busy faces, stern looks, fast paces. And just like in plazas everyday across the world… […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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I'm a Bad Influence on Women

Hey, I’m Ash! Twenty years ago I was a small town girl growing up in a trailer park in rural Pennsylvania. Fifteen years ago, I lost my family and everything I knew right as I became the first to graduate college. Fourteen years ago, I found myself leaving everything behind for a new life in the city where I could be “normal.” Ten years ago I realized normal was the most disappointing thing that ever happened to me. Nine years ago I quit my job in advertising and pursued my dreams as a creative writer. Eight years ago, I built a 6-figure business doing what I love using nothing more than the Internet and my voice. And now, today, I’m the founder of The Middle Finger Project, an irreverent media co. that helps other women find their voice and teaches them to use it to build whatever the f*ck they want to. With a book coming out with Penguin Random House in February 2020 (YASSS, WE’RE A PRODUCT IN TARGET!) I’m proud to be a bad influence on women and guide them into doing something disobediently brave with their life and their career.

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