ASH AMBIRGE

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YOU F*cking Press Two! Or, 26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed.

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

26 Reasons Humans Are Doomed: Pet Peeve Edition

  1. Those heathens who stand on the left side of the escalator. What are we, savages?
  2. What the fuck is airplane mode?
  3. Socially illiterate jack offs who don't pick up on the verbal cue that I WANT TO GET OFF THE PHONE.
  4. Unauthorized double dippers.
  5. Forms that make you fill out more personal information than when running for President.
  6. Speaking of which: All passwords must end in the letter J, contain at least one prime number that, when multiplied by 5, equals the sum of your gross monthly income, does not contain the words oyster, xylophone, saran wrap, or balls) and is not the same as any other password you've ever had in your entire life. LET ME TAKE THE RISK OF BEING HACKED. IT'S MY RISK! MINE MINE MINE!
  7. Cashiers who want my phone number at the grocery store. What are you gonna do with it? You gonna call me? You gonna ring me up to ask how my day is going?
  8. “Anywho.”
  9. Calling the cable company. (You fucking press two!)
  10. Speaking of which: Listen to the following menu carefully, as our menu has changed. Fuck you! Give me the fucking options!
  11. People in the airport who have apparently never heard of the rule that, no, you can't bring your fucking bottled water through security. While you're at it, let's dump all that baby bottle milk you've got in that gargantuan sized, diaper-laden baby stroller of yours. LET ME GO FIRST.
  12. People who actually expect me to print something out, sign and fax back.
  13. Men with puffy hair.
  14. Men I'm seeing who start scintillating conversations around bathroom talk. When I said I wanted you to talk dirty, I think you got confused.
  15. The number “4” in a title of anything. Really? That taxing?
  16. Kids these days. Get off my lawn!
  17. Family style dining. Touch my chicken penne and I'll slit your throat.
  18. Forgetting to attach the attachment.
  19. Meatbags who, when forgetting to attach the attachment, always almost inevitably respond again with, “The attachment would help.” BE MORE ORIGINAL!
  20. The size XXS. Who are these assholes?
  21. Plastic packaging that requires a flamethrower and machete to pry open. Wouldn't want to risk anything happening to this in-demand, $10 plastic iPhone case some poor Vietnamese child made in a sweat shop.
  22. The fact that none of the eligible bachelors who run online businesses, are bloggers, are location independent and otherwise my dream guy EVER ASK ME OUT ON DATES.  What? You can't be bothered to fly to South America? Is that too much to ask?
  23. Morons who auto-add me to their group on Facebook.
  24. I don't want to create an account.
  25. I don't want to see your flash intro.
  26. Come to think of it, what am I doing on the internet?-
I'm not as angry as this list would make me seem. Though I am rather hungry, which could have largely contributed to the extra handful of fucks in this post.
Nov 22

2012

Lust, Turkey Gizzards + A Ladylike Toast

I blame my bleak and very unpromising cooking skills on Thanksgiving, you know. You’d think I would have gotten better from helping my mom prepare such a yearly feast for me, her and my dad. (Mashed potatoes were my sworn duty. Probably because they’re mashed, requiring heavy amounts of manual mashing child labor. Not to […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

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May 18

2017

When You Feel Like a Hot Mess Full of Walking Contradictions and WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT IS YOUR LIFE?

You don’t have to choose, you know. You can be intelligent…and sensual. Extroverted…and introverted. Complex…and simple. You…and someone who’s evolving into someone else. Sometimes, in an effort to finally define who the fuck we are, we start putting ourselves into the little boxes voluntarily—the same ones that we spent our earlier years trying to escape. […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life

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Jan 15

2013

Your Life in 6 Words.

Remember that one time I got loose, drank too much eggnog* and packaged everything together in the TMF store for a wild, wild west of a discount–and then told all continental U.S. buyers that I’d even take it a step further and send a surprise to their doorstep? Right. That time. Just last month for […]

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May 3

2018

Listen: Do What You Crave Without the Guilt. Travel to Italy. Enroll in That Workshop. Make Your Art Every Afternoon. And Hurl Yourself Into the Unknown—For This Is The Best ROI That Money Can Buy.

My almost-mother-in-law gets really fucking nervous when I travel—especially when I bomb off to South America for a month by myself to drink ALL THE WINE and celebrate ALL THE BOOK DEALS. But she doesn’t get worried in the typical way a mother might; not the way my own mother would have been worried, which would […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life

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