ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

Learn More >>

How to Fuck Up a Sale in 27 Minutes Flat (But Still Score a Date)

In: Online Marketing

The Scene: The United States of America.

9:57 am: Walk into L.A. Fitness.

9:58: Meet stunningly fit individual named Alberto.

10:00: Decide there is some fucked up pheromones wandering around body that insist on me + Latino men.

10:01: Wonder if Alberto's name really is Alberto. Consider how unsexy it would be to call him Al.

10:02: Make mental note to call him Al in an attempt to become less attracted to him.

10:03: Wonder if he's related to Vin Diesel.

10:04: Wonder about Vin Diesel's ethnicity.

10:05: Wonder if I'd ever have a chance with Vin Diesel.

10:06: Decide that I would have a chance if I'd just get my fat ass on the elliptical instead of procrastinating by the water fountain.

10:10: Al tries to sell me personal training services. I'm tempted, understanding that this will mean bodily contact. I'll take what I can get.

10:11: Al talks a mile a minute and I have no idea what he says at all.

10:12: Al keeps talking way too fast and makes me feel incredibly sold to.

10:13: Think about how true it is that people like to buy, but hate to be sold to. How about *that* for your next tattoo, Casanova?

10:14: Rip pen out of Al's hand and rewrite the information over again so I am ACTUALLY ABLE TO READ IT. If I can't understand it, I can't possibly want to buy it.

10:15: Al must sense my thought process and asks if I think he's a good salesman. I tell him he is not. I do add, however, that he might be if anyone could understand what the fuck he was saying.

10:16: Al blames fast talking on being Dominican.

10:17: Still attracted to Al, regardless of poor sales tactics. Decide I am going to stop calling him Al, and start calling him, “El Dominicano.”

10:20: Weighs me (FML), reads my body fat (FML), and then all hell breaks loose: El Dominicano asks if I'd like to go bowling that night.

10:21: Walk away screaming inside brain, “HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT.” Mostly because dude definitely knows I'm in the “above” fat percentage zone and yet I still manage to mack him. Quite pleased.

10:22: Realize I have no fucking idea what people wear bowling.

10:23: Realize I will likely be forced into wearing those hideous multi-colored, 1970's style bowling shoes.

10:24: Decide my ass must look amazing to compensate.

12 pm: Proceed to mall to purchase new pants, given that I have none since my latest international move.

Fast forward to 9 pm that night.

9:00: Strut into bowling alley wearing said new pants.

9:01: El Dominicano leans in and whispers in ear: “Want to know how I know you're a classy chick, Ashley?” Looks at me with smirk. Leans back in to whisper a second time. “Because you go out and buy new pants before your dates.” Proceeds to bend down and rip off humongous sticker with pants size running down the back of my thigh.

9:02: Mortified! Mortified! Mortified!

9:02: Motion with my finger for him to get close. Whisper back to him, “Want to know how I know you're a terrible salesperson, Alberto?” Look at him with smirk. “Because if you weren't, you'd know the *reason* I'm wearing new pants.”

9:03: Turn around and throw strike.

Okay, so the strike never happened.

But the rest did. My point to Vin-berto was that when he had me at his desk, talking a million miles a minute, going through what was obviously a routine sales pitch, that I couldn't even understand…not once did he stop and ask me about me. About my goals. About why I was there. About what I hoped to accomplish. About why the fuck I'd ever consider opening my wallet and giving him $300 a month to train me. Or the fact that I had just come from Chile and didn't have any pants.

Instead, it was all about him him him and what he he he can do do do.

When I resisted, his immediate response was to reassure me that I could trust him, that if I give him the opportunity he won't let me down–foolishly assuming my resistance was the result in a lack of trust in his abilities, when in reality, it had nothing to do with him. I was really assessing if what I needed to accomplish (emphasis on the I) would require a $300 a month investment. Not whether or not I thought he could do it.

So not only did he talk about himself the whole time, but then he began overcoming the wrong objections–objections that I didn't even have.

Later at the bowling alley, we actually started talking shop. Talking sales. (Because that's apparently what I talk about on dates, ahem.) He mentioned that they teach all of their trainers that they aren't there to sell personal training–they're there to sell sex appeal.

I agreed, but with one caveat.

They aren't selling me theirs.

They're selling me mine.

There's a difference.

And in order to sell me mine, you've got to know what I think is sexy–not just from a physical standpoint, but in terms of other aspects as well–so you can position your services accordingly.

And you can't do that if you spend 95% talking at me, instead of with me.

Fast forward to later that evening:

2:00 am: Drops me off. (Foolishly) asks if he can come up to see new place.

2:01: Remind him that I'm a classy chick, as he so kindly pointed out earlier that evening.

2:03: Vin-berto leaves very disappointed.

2:04: Wonder if Vin Diesel would be smoother.

2:05: Decide he definitely would be.

2:06: Stay up for next 30 minutes stalking Vin Diesel online.

THE END.

Yes, that's really how the story ends.

Though I suppose, not really, because I have two very important things to tell you:

1. If you want to know step-by-step how you can pull 6 figures this year with your biz, keep your eyes peeled for Wednesday.

2. If you're looking to rev up your brand this year, and were hoping to really nail down your message + get HEARD – SEEN – TALKED ABOUT – SOUGHT AFTER while keepin' your cool, keep your eyes peeled for Friday. Friday's going to be fucking magical. And there's going to be a lot of one night stands happening. That's all I'm sayin'. Interpret it as you wish.

XO and all of that happy horseshit,

Ash

Jun 11

2014

The Devil Isn’t In The Details. Your Next Dollar Is.

I was seated in the exit row. And when you’re seated in the exit row, you’re obligated to at least pretend to pay attention to the flight safety video, as 300 other people glance over at you and think, “Great. So that’s the dingle berry in charge of our lives.” I didn’t want to watch […]

In: Online Marketing

READ MORE >>

Oct 29

2012

Sexy Matters. Whether You Like It Or Not.

Sexy matters. We hate to think that’s true. We look at the girl strutting down the sidewalk, who’s obviously “trying too hard,” and we silently disapprove. But it’s not because she’s trying too hard. It’s because she makes us feel inferior.  To soothe our egos, we immediately start telling ourselves the story that we’re “better,” […]

In: Online Marketing

READ MORE >>

Apr 11

2014

Your Customers Already Told You What To Say.

“If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?” “Why is a tennis ball fuzzy?” “What is your least favorite thing about humanity?” “How does the internet work?” Can you believe this? There are innocent people getting clobbered with these kinds of interview questions in dimly lit corporate offices AS WE […]

In: Online Marketing

READ MORE >>

Apr 24

2013

Tired of Being Told To “Differentiate Yourself?”

Everyone tells you to be unique. Find your USP. Differentiate yourself. (Meanwhile, you’re all, “Stab, stab stab, I’m the same, I’m the same, I’m the same – how am I suppose to “differentiate” life coaching?) And so you take a drink, because these are the types of things that drive people to drink, and you […]

In: Online Marketing

READ MORE >>

Jan 27

2015

You Can’t Sell Tickets to The Titanic if You’re Marketing it as a Rowboat

Like it or not, people do judge a book by its cover. And that cover happens to include the words on the front. There’s a palpable difference between the words, “hire me” versus “engagement fees.” There’s also a difference between “buy now” and “apply now.” (Even though those “apply now” snobs drive me insane.) And there’s a difference between, “Cost: […]

In: Online Marketing

READ MORE >>

May 19

2017

Businesses Are Like Books: The Best Ones Actually SAY Something

The best books are those that say something. That make a statement. Draw conclusions. Make connections. Contribute something new to the discussion. Otherwise, what’s the point in writing it? I think we can all agree that nobody wants to read book after book that regurgitates the same exact thing that they’ve read before. The same […]

In: Online Marketing

READ MORE >>

Exclusive VIP Access

Join The Middle Finger Project mafia—over 75,000+ disobedient humans strong—and as a welcome gift (which I promise won’t be a thug named Vinny), I’ll send you a top secret discount code for our best-selling courses, kits and workshops. Because #SOLIDARITY.

It’s free, and you’ll also get new posts every week, plus at least one GIF of Betty White for the win.

Privacy Policy Info Here