ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

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To the Woman With the Fake Smile: Stop It, You Fucking Pigeon

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

Can we all just stop, already?
Stop apologizing.
Stop saying sorry.

Stop shrinking into some small little ball-less version of yourself—you know, so you don’t make all the other ball-less twats feel uncomfortable. Or risk offending somebody. Or do something controversial. Or doing all of that and then totally screwing it up and feeling stupid. God forbid.

I’m sick and tired of it. I’m sick of seeing you hesitate. Second guess yourself constantly. Smile weakly.

FUCKING WILT.

You’re wilting away and you don’t even see it. But you feel it. God, do you feel it.

That’s the feeling you can’t describe. The one where you “should” be happy and you “should” be grateful and you “should” be skipping down a golden fart-filled rainbow everyday—preferably pausing briefly for some sun salutations—because everything looks fine on the outside and everyone tells you how lucky you are and holy shit is that MEMORY FOAM under your carpet? YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH LESS MEMORY FOAM THAN YOU.

But instead you’re drifting around like a flimsy little hollowed out gutless shell of a ghost (an impressive feat, indeed), wishing you could do X, Y or Z, but then immediately swatting down your own ideas, because that would be:

a) Too crazy
b) Too complicated
c) Too risky
d) Too expensive
e) Too big / scary / unrealistic

Or

Because you don’t know what you’re doing or because you wouldn’t know where to start or because your husband won’t let you or because your sister thinks you’re crazy.

Who cares?
Who really cares?
Is it worth it?

Is it worth it to never actually feel like yourself again? Is it worth having to put on a show for the rest of your life? Is it worth it, having to fake the smile, and fake the enthusiasm, and fake every emotion you’re “suppose” to be having?

Don't be a pigeon. 

This is not living with integrity. It’s the opposite. It’s a big, fat betrayal. You’ve given and given and given to everyone else, given in to their demands and whims and wishes and worries, and you’ve cut out your own heart in the process.

Don't be a pigeon.

You could’ve really been something. You still can. The artist inside your fingers still flickers. But, but, but, but, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT!

Don't be a fucking pigeon.

There are things worth worrying about in this life: Death. Famine. Sickness. Tragedy. And then there are the things that aren’t. Trivial, baseless worries taking up space in your skull and quietly, quietly, quietly expanding until there’s no room for anything else. What if? What if it’s too much work? What if I’m not as good as I used to be? What if I’m not any good at all? What if I’m just average? What if I disappoint myself? What if I’m just fooling myself? What if I’m just a big, fat joke?

I don’t know. What if? Can you handle it? Can you handle being wrong about yourself? And more importantly, can you handle being right?

Don't be a pigeon.

I’ve resorted to name calling because it’s the only way you’ll get angry. It’s the only way you’ll pay attention. It’s the only way you’ll hear me. You’ve left yourself behind. You've abandoned ship. You’ve taken the coward's way out. And then you wonder why. You stay up late at night wondering why. Why do you feel like a hollowed out empty shell of a ghost?

Because you are.

But, it’s never too late. It’s really not. Time is actually on our side. Time wants you to grab onto her tee-shirt and never let go. Time wants you to use her up, to ride her coattails, to be everything she hoped for you.

There is still time. And there is still hope. And there is still, and forever will be, creativity, which will always be there for you, waiting patiently to welcome you home, even after you’ve drifted.

Pigeons are beautiful birds, my love, once they remember they’re doves.

May 21

2012

Fuck Shit Balls I Didn’t Finish Those Edits, Yet. And Other Stuff That Doesn’t Matter. (In Memory of Enrique.)

So I’m not sure what you did yesterday, but I, for one, witnessed somebody drown. You’re probably thinking I’m joking, because who mentions something like drowning so nonchalantly? But I am not, unfortunately, joking. And while I’m calm now, yesterday I was anything but. It was sunset, and I was with my Costa Rican girlfriends […]

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Feb 11

2010

Education & Wage Slavery: Hand In Hand?

A no-nonsense look at the education system’s hidden agenda–why we’re being taught what to think, instead of how to think, and how this affects not only us, but the bigger picture at hand. Put on your thinking caps for this one. (P.S. Please don’t egg my house if this makes you angry.)

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Oct 22

2013

You Think The Stakes Are High Now? Please.

I wonder about people. Specifically about the 50-something woman speaking softly at the table next to me, telling another woman how she desperately wants to go abroad—because, verbatim, it would be the opportunity of a lifetime—but… And her words trail off. JUST LIKE HER DREAMS. Kidding. Dramatic doesn’t look good on me. But, really. What […]

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May 4

2010

Shattering the Current Model of Reality

Most of you reading this website are here because you want more. Tried and true may be comfortable, but boring.  The traditional life path may be safe, but uninspiring.  The status quo is average, but nothing extraordinary. You know there’s something missing, but you can’t pinpoint what, exactly, it is. We’ve essentially been told for […]

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Oct 25

2018

Be Brave, Courageous, Interesting, Crazy, Difficult, Weird, and Downright Complicated. But Don’t You Ever Be Normal.

You know what’s fucked up? Normal. Normal is so fucked up. For example, it’s normal for expats to drink daily in Costa Rica. This is a terrible idea, and yet, because it’s done over and over again, it’s become normalized. NO ONE WILL GIVE YOU THE STINK EYE FOR SLUGGING A BEER AT 10AM, Y’ALL. […]

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In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life


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