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36 Signs You’re an Internet Dick

In: Hard Stuff,

1. You buy stuff online and then automatically file a chargeback with your credit card company. The internet is onto you, Kim Chow.

2. You play coy with the customer service rep you’re live chatting with. “Well I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me *your* email address?

3. You send professional emails in all caps—and even throw in some, “!!!#%@%@” for good measure. Surely I’ll be taking you more seriously now.

4. You buy an online course and use it to barter with people for their services on Facebook.

5. You vehemently deny it when you’re called out, even though they have a list of 184 different IP addresses the product was opened from.

6. You communicate strictly through GIF images.

7. Two words: Countdown. Timers.

8. Three words: Candy. Crush. Invites.

9. You humble brag about losing weight. “My shirts don’t even fit me anymore. UGH.”

10. Your social media feeds only boast quiz results saying what kind of peanut butter you’ll be.

11. Or which shade of purple most aptly represents the inner workings of your soul.

12. You Instagram at least 42 pictures of a dog each day.

13. That belongs to your neighbor.

14. You write emails to strangers that rival the great american novel.

15. You get mad when said stranger doesn’t write you back within seventeen seconds.

16. You write them again asking if they got your first email.

17. You write them again, twenty minutes later, accusing them of not caring.

18. You use numbers instead of letters when you wr1t3 your name in the pre-designated boxes on the state-issued form when you’re summoned for Jury Duty.

19. You make up reviews for your website, all accredited to a mysterious “Billionaire CEO.”

20. Instead of just unsubscribing, you write the company an email telling them why WHY! YOU’VE! HAD! IT! WITH! THEIR! FREE! CONTENT!

21. You’re a Tommy Tough Nuts behind the screen but the minute someone wants to get on the phone you run for dear life.

22. You anonymously comment….on your own blog posts.

23. You insult people by mix-matching words from You indelicate harlot.

24. You steal quotes from Pinterest accredited to Anne Frank and shamelessly claim ’em as your own.

25. You don’t actually pay your affiliates…because you’re broke as a joke. Or on that big of a power trip.

26. Your selfies live stream to your website.

27. You run a promo sale every other five minutes. “GET IT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!” Yeah. Alright, Billy Mays.

28. You use MS Paint circa 1997. Just…yeah.

29. You subscribe people you don’t like to child pornography websites…and hope they get caught opening ’em.

30. You gossip about people in some snarky Facebook group like you’re The Babysitter’s Club.

31. You file false DMCAs in your spare time.

32. You’ve posted anything on Facebook in the last calendar year that requires reposting—or else you aren’t really friends.

33. You get upset when you actually have to pay for something. HOW DARE THEE, NAZI!

34. You favorite your own tweets.

35. You then re-tweet them 12 times in succession, each one with the disclaimer: “ICYMI!” No, man. No, we didn’t miss it.

36. You read nothing more than the title and made a mad dash for the comments section, where you’ll go off on a tirade about how much of an embarrassment the person is to society for using the word “dick” in the title. 🙂

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53 thoughts on "36 Signs You’re an Internet Dick"

  1. alli says:

    Have I told you how much I fucking love you lately? You are forever my favorite Strawbridge & Clothier gangsta. And do people really comment anonymously on their own blog posts? Seriously? Is that a thing? Am I that oblivious? Because that makes me sad and not in a how-could-they-end-true-blood-like-that sort of way but in a what-happened-in-your-childhood-that’s-creating-this-need-for-approval-and-or-attention-i-hope-you-get-therapy sort of way.

    Regarding the unofficial #37, I was actually asked by some of my distance reiki clients to begin offering tarot readings when they found out that I did it privately, so I did. Tons? Nope. But enough to encourage me to branch out and add it to my menu of services. So #37 does happen from time to time. *wink* And you can add #38 – people that think they’re the exception to the rule…*grin*

  2. Shir says:



  3. Book marking so I can send to people who do #14-17.