10 Things That’ll Make You Go “Ooh, Oooh, Oooohh!” (Especially if You’re in Online Business)

SIX-HUNDRED DADDIES. That’s my shorthand for “dollars.” I don’t know why or when it started. Actually, just kidding, it just started right now. Not because I have daddy issues or anything (though clearly I do).

SIX HUNDRED DADDIES was what I paid. Six-hundred! And you know why?

Because I just had to import a slab of wood the weight of a small ocean liner. I just had to to send a ninety-million-hundred pound box all the way to the jungles of Costa Rica (where I am still quarantining alongside the monkeys and three-hundred dudes named Carlos—my darling partner included). (He’s making us eggs right now, even though I am the better egg-maker. He’ll tell you he is the better egg-maker, but I think anyone would agree that you don’t chop the scrambled eggs, you move the scrambled eggs. Gently. Consistently. With a spatula that IS NOT METAL. AHEM.)

So anyway, who knew standing desks were made of a thousand recycled bombs from World War 2? That’s what this box felt like. Here I was, thinking I was buying this cute little raised platform that would sit neatly on top of my existing desk, but instead I get this box the size of a moose—that I had to pay $600 to import—and even more concerning is what happened when I went to open it. Out we pull it and alas, there’s a lever. A little lever on the side that I think is something innocent, like adjusting the angle of the desktop. NOPE! One yank of that lever, and your desktop goes shooting into the air on hydraulics like Go, Go, Gadget on steroids.

However. I must tell you that—despite being a dangerous spring-loaded weapon I’m waiting to crack my jaw open any minute—I like my standing desk very much. She’s a beaut. And I didn’t pay $600 in import taxes just for her: I also got Pottery Barn curtains. The natural linen ones we spoke of before! They look fucking fantastic, may I say. And so worth it, after having been in our villa for something like six years with cheese cloth for curtains. Grommet-top sheers. 🤢 (I now am anti-grommet top anything. Oh, what adulthood has done to me!)

So I thought I’d (a) Recommend my standing desk if your neck is hurting like a bitch and/or you’re mad at your significant other and you decide to pull the lever on them while they’re having a cup of coffee; and (b) Tell you about some of my other favorite things right now, along with one or two announcements! YOU GAME?

  1. Here’s the standing desk you need a black belt in karate to operate. Not an affiliate link, I just want to giggle at seeing this shit show up at your doorstep. But seriously, so glad I bought it. I never thought I’d be able to stand and write, and guess what? I was wrong! I LOVE IT. I’ve been giving my classes while standing up every Friday, which brings me to point number two.
  2. Our new shop is finally up and running! You can see my upcoming workshops there, as well as those you can buy on-demand—as well as any digital products that we currently have available. It's live on the site and we'll keep updating it as we go, so check back often! I'm teaching everything I know up in that joint.
  3. Speaking of which, I’m giving the writing workshop that e’rybody luuurrrvessss (!!!) this Friday at 11am ET: “Creative Writing for the Internet: Write Content That’ll Make People Stalker Obsessed.” Enroll now with this secret link and you'll even save $100 (just make sure to pay attention to the countdown timer so you don't miss the deadline!). Bye-bye to feeling like a lame duck on the Internet whose sentences read like a 1980's Howdy Doody commercial, and hello to becoming a modern-day content queen whose line breaks bring ALL the buyers to the yard.
  4. Um, have you read this book? It’s my friend Susie Moore’s new book, Stop Checking Your Likes, and HOLY SHIT are we like identical twins. I mean, not in actuality since she’s blonde and has an exotic accent and is probably even better at eggs than I am, but I could not BELIEVE how similar our lives were when we met—and now that her book is out? I’M ALL ABOUT IT IN CAPS. In fact, I even blurbed it, because apparently now I’m a person people ask for blurbs! How fun is that?! I’M AN AUTHOR! REMEMBER? HOW WEIRD!!!!! Here’s what I said about Susie’s book (and I meant it, for fucking real): “This book is an antidepressant, warm bath, and shot of whiskey, all in one! Take your confidence on a much-needed spa day as Moore’s upbeat attitude and infectious way of looking at the world help you shift your perspectives out of place . . . and then back in again . . . as a woman who gives less of a sh*t what other people think — and more of a sh*t what she does.” And you can even go see it live on the Amazon page. My blurb…and her book. 😉 Definitely a recommended read if you need to up your confidence game (and don’t we all?).
  5. Kinda wanted to cry today when I read an article in the New York Times travel section and saw that Airbnb online experiences were going so well and humans worldwide are adapting in such creative ways: did you know that you can tour Chernobyl, via Zoom, with a dude who takes you there and feeds the stray dogs? Or go tour a sheep farm in New Zealand? Or meet a real life shark scientist? Or learn the secrets of Hollywood Sound FX? The world is never, ever going to be the same. So many people have discovered the power of the internet (not like we haven’t been here for the past ten years *knowing wink*….)
  6. If you suck at Photoshop, I LOVE this little online app called Clipping Magic. It takes any photo you upload and automatically erases the background. Basic, but helpful—especially when you’re in a pinch. Had to add it here!
  7. Oooo, here’s a fun one! THE MIDDLE FINGER PROJECT book was recently featured in the Meredith Corporation’s (People Magazine, InStyle, Real Simple) new money magazine for women, Millie! It was their staff’s spring 2020 pick, and you can see it here alongside SUCH A FUN AGE by Kiley Reid. 😍😍😍 By the way, if you haven’t bought the book yet, now’s the time! Grab it digitally on Amazon Kindle or listen to the audiobook on Audible! I didn’t spend three whole days in a recording studio for nothin’. 😉
  8. Dude, speaking of THE BOOK: if you haven’t left me a review on Amazon yet, would you pretty please hop over there and just assign it a star and write, like, a quick sentence? I will see it, and I will love you forever and ever and ever and remember YO NAME. (Don’t think I won’t. Longtime readers are usually surprised that I know exactly who they are.)
  9. So, like, if you ever need a giant jewel to wear around your neck to look like a badass bitch and/or add a little edge to those springtime floral dresses that are all the rage right now, you really gotta know about my favorite indy jewelry designer. I pretty much am a collector at this point. GOD we should do a collaboration with The Middle Finger Project and make a special TMF design, don’t you think? Then again, I’ve truly been batting around the idea of having my favorite jewelry studio in Scotland make us a kick-ass ring that we could hand make and sell. Wouldn’t that be crazy? I like crazy. Keeps things interesting.
  10. Oh man, we’re at ten already! I should probably stop at ten. Okay, so here’s a SUPER cool thing I discovered recently: it’s called Krisp, and it’s an app that blocks out any background sounds from your Zoom calls, your online workshops, your client meetings, etc.! Seriously: barking dogs, screaming kids, lawn mower next door, the guys doing construction from 6am – 6pm. It blocks it all out, and I can’t friggin’ believe it. It’s magic, and I’m pretty sure probably all of us need to download it.

Okay, I’ll let you go eat YOUR eggs in peace now. Good to see your face! I mean, I’m imagining your face. It’s all cute and squishy and making a sarcastic eyebrow raise. Just like mine! Sarcastic people are the best. I think we need to form a club. Can there be a club? YAY, WE’RE IN A CLUB!

Hope to hell you’re making it through.

Thinking of yo' ass.

Love and six-hundred fathers,

Ash

P.S. Seriously, what are these Amazon reviews?!?! They are LIFE. Thanks to everyone who's leaving them. Especially to these humans who so generously keep saying things like “best book in this space / that I've read / this year, etc.” It's like they got together and formed a pact to say that or something! WHAT A FREAKING COMPLIMENT. I love you like I love cheese doodles (which is more than basically everything). Thanks for helping me shine, fam. This feedback makes it all worth it.

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