If You Suck at Numbers And The Term “Balance Sheet” Makes You Nervous Laugh, THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR EFFING LIFE


(Yes, we're starting off with caps, because I will probably be seventy years old and still be wearing necklaces as big as my head and obviously my words need to reflect my authentic self.)

I mean, do you understand how many amazing things are happening right now? Of course you don't, because I've kept my coy little mouth shut, but rest-assured that there are SO many caps and exclamation points en route. When you get an email from me full of nothing but 4,762 exclamation points (digital confetti at its finest), then you need to pour yourself a Negroni and celebrate with me on the Internets because THAT IS OUR BAT SIGNAL. Okay? I'm not kidding. I'm totally going to send you that email. And then there's just going to be, like, one line of fine print at the bottom with the announcement.

In the meantime, though, I can tell you other good things! Like the fact that I'm headed back to Santiago, Chile to enjoy life with my best girlfriends for the month of April—and I'm flipppppping out excited. We're going to get our makeup done and talk business and drink all the wine and post ridiculous Instagram stories, so you should probably follow me there because even though I've historically been a shameful Instagrammer, I promise I'm going to get better because I like chatting with you guys! You know, since blog comments are so 1999.

Afterward, I'm going to keep wheels up and hit France, because clearly my forthcoming announcement means I must celebrate with ALL the lavender. Like, I want lavender deodorant. Lavender ice cream. Entire ball gowns made of lavender! I am fairly certain that the fact that it matches The Middle Finger Project brand is an important sign. Coincidence? I think not. Reason for frolicking around Provence like a total asshole? COUNT ME IN.

As a side note, these are the times when I am reminded why I set out, ten freaking years ago, to work for myself and build a business online: being a citizen of the world makes me feel whole.

Later this summer, I've even got a tentative plan to spend some time in Ireland writing, and how is it possible that I'm even saying this right now? It's been years, and I still remain in awe of this awesome power that the Internet has granted us. To be able to work from anywhere? To be able to earn magnificent, gorgeous money doing something I love? To be able to pick a different country as the backdrop for my work as I'm inspired? I couldn't have even hoped for this when I was an ambitious young babe in college.

In other news, I totally just sat on an actual baby gecko while I was writing this. As in, I squished it with my ass and killed it. In my chaise lounger here in Costa Rica. Which is really all to say there are definitely downsides to everything.

ANYWAY, I've got all sorts of things up my sleeve, including a killer freelance masterclass coming up (more on that soon!), and a vision for an all-new kind of retreat with one very specific focus: charm school for freelancers. A confidence makeover, if you will. From personal charisma, to body language, to speaking with command, to asking for the money and practicing how to sell yourself with grace, power and gumption, both on the phone and in person—and even a makeup and styling team to make you feel like a million bucks before taking all-new unf*ckwithable headshots that you can bring home with you! I'm wildly vested in giving freelancers mad business chops, so if this sounds like something that you'd LOVE, click here to add your name to the notification list. I'm in the planning phase now, so details are still to come, but I'm excited to assemble a team to help all of us walk into any room and own it.

By the way, you know what else has me all sorts of giggly? Bench. Muthatrucking. Bookkeeping. BENCH BOOKKEEPING, YA'LL. Which is crazy to say, because who gets excited about bookkeeping? Let me tell you what: this will change your effing life. If your numbers are a mess and you have no real handle on your incoming revenue versus expenses versus profits; if you'd laugh nervously if someone asked you for a balance sheet; if you have no real sense of how much money you're bringing in versus how much money is going out, YOU NEED TO SIGN UP WITH BENCH RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. I have officially signed on as their new self-appointed spokeswoman because I am that much in love with them, and I actually got on the horn and begged them to let me partner with them because I've never wanted to promote a company more. They are killer! You connect your bank account and get assigned a real human bookkeeping team who is constantly reconciling and sending you adorable messages inside the app, and also setting up calls to go over your numbers, and they auto-categorize all of your expenses so you can finally see what the hell is happening inside your business real-time. And if they don't know what to do with an expense, this is how it shows up inside the app. (See below.) How amazing is this? Seriously, how amazing?!?! Bottom line (haha, bookkeeping puns!): I arm-wrestled them into giving me a special link that will give all TMF subscribers 20% off their first 6 months of bookkeeping, and you need to sign up for this right away, so help me vodka. I'm half inclined to stop everything I'm doing and apply to be on the sales team for Bench, I love them so much. (Alas, they probably wouldn't love me going to Ireland all summer.)

Last but not least, I'm seriously considering getting a tattoo of my mom's signature on the side of my palm. Is this a bad idea? Or a great one? Does anyone have a tattoo on the fleshy side of their hand? I love her signature, it's an awesome tribute, and I think it would earn me points anytime I walk into a hipster coffee shop. (Priorities.) Tell me what you think on the Instagram pic of her signature I just posted!

Alright, team. That's it for today. I cannot wait to share the grandest news of all, so keep an eye out for that email with exclamation points! As soon as I'm able to share, I will! There are so many things I'll need your opinion on. ?

In the meantime, remember: if at first you don't succeed? GIVE ‘EM HELL.

Love you long time,



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