ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

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$100,222.37 (Yes, That Is the Title of This Post.) (Also: Fake Russian Accents Are Ridiculous.)

In: Online Marketing

[The scene:  She apathetically releases a puff of smoke from a pair of fiery red lips, before she stands up, yanks at her fishnets, props herself clumsily upon the bar, leans just a little bit too much (so you can kinddaaa see her boobs)…and makes an announcement…]

Note: You should probably click below to listen to me reading this post partly in a ridiculous fake Russian Accent. Yes, that's right. I actually did that. You're welcome. You will either hate me fiercely or love me forever. One or the other. Muah. ah. ah. But don't worry–I don't read ALL of it in a ridiculous fake made up Russian Accent.

https://s3.amazonaws.com/audiofiles.themiddlefingerproject.org/%24100%2C222.37.mp3

First of all, I'd like to announce that these fishnets are giving me a muffin top. Please refrain from touching my midsection. It will not be nice.

Second, there are announcements, my friend. Announcements! A whole dump truck full of announcements to be made. Today. Thursday. On this fine day of January, 2012.

Are you ready for some football? … crazy, sexy diet? … good shit that you should know, that I'm excited to tell you?

Announcement #1

Remember at the beginning of last year when I said I was going to smoke it revenue-wise in 2011…and promised I'd pull $97,000 my first full-time year in business with The Middle Finger Project…after becoming homeless and starting over from scratch? (And even invited you to follow along?)

Remember that shit?

Well boo-yah, baby.

Say hello to $100,222.37 for 2011.

Here's a stupid pie chart:

Announcement #2

This is my new favorite song.  Unrelated. –

Announcement #3

I'm in the process of bringing back consulting seshes, and revamping copywriting offerings to be much more a la carte and—how do I put it—economically pleasing…designed specifically for small biz owners just getting started, so you can boost conversions + make more dollah bills this year.  You guys have given me lots of shit (with love) the last half of the year for withdrawing those services.  I heard you.  Now, they're making a comeback with a big ass cherry on top.  Soon. Lookout.

Announcement #4

There is no announcement #4.  Justttt fucking with you.

There.

That is all.

Sending you all my love, and a big, burly man from Greece to sooth your woes (sorry, fellas),

Ash

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I was disgusted. She was the 11th person to pass by trying to peddle the same exact selection of sunglasses that ten other people had peddled just seconds before. “Senorita?” she said, tapping me on the shoulder from behind my table once more. I ignored her once more. She circled around me in case I […]

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Marketing is fucking weird, isn’t it? Everyone’s really anxious about it all the time, and it makes lots of people go into hiding and never, ever, ever want to come out. (I think they imagine others looking at them and pointing and growling, “Youuuu dirty rotten slimmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.) But I gotta say: marketing gets really easy […]

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Clear vs Clever Copywriting is a Big, Fat, Bloated Myth (And a Scapegoat for Subpar Writers)

I’m a very dirty writer. Not Fifty Shades of Grey dirty, but dirty in the way that I put sentences, thoughts, ideas together. My process is wild. Sexy. Free. Undomesticated. And while I wish the reason were because I’m just such a clay-faced, crochet-bra-top-wearing, sun-worshipping bohemian soul (I am laughably not), rather, it’s because I […]

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Know Who Your Haters Are

Tiffany’s doesn’t try to sell diamonds to a sixteen-year-old girl. Nor are they offended, nor worried, when teens aren’t flocking to their stores. Tiffany’s knows that sixteen-year-old girls most definitely aren’t their market. And I also imagine that, were a sixteen-year-old girl to proclaim that Tiffany’s sucks absolute DONKEY BALLS, they wouldn’t take it to […]

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