ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

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$100,222.37 (Yes, That Is the Title of This Post.) (Also: Fake Russian Accents Are Ridiculous.)

In: Online Marketing

[The scene:  She apathetically releases a puff of smoke from a pair of fiery red lips, before she stands up, yanks at her fishnets, props herself clumsily upon the bar, leans just a little bit too much (so you can kinddaaa see her boobs)…and makes an announcement…]

Note: You should probably click below to listen to me reading this post partly in a ridiculous fake Russian Accent. Yes, that's right. I actually did that. You're welcome. You will either hate me fiercely or love me forever. One or the other. Muah. ah. ah. But don't worry–I don't read ALL of it in a ridiculous fake made up Russian Accent.

https://s3.amazonaws.com/audiofiles.themiddlefingerproject.org/%24100%2C222.37.mp3

First of all, I'd like to announce that these fishnets are giving me a muffin top. Please refrain from touching my midsection. It will not be nice.

Second, there are announcements, my friend. Announcements! A whole dump truck full of announcements to be made. Today. Thursday. On this fine day of January, 2012.

Are you ready for some football? … crazy, sexy diet? … good shit that you should know, that I'm excited to tell you?

Announcement #1

Remember at the beginning of last year when I said I was going to smoke it revenue-wise in 2011…and promised I'd pull $97,000 my first full-time year in business with The Middle Finger Project…after becoming homeless and starting over from scratch? (And even invited you to follow along?)

Remember that shit?

Well boo-yah, baby.

Say hello to $100,222.37 for 2011.

Here's a stupid pie chart:

Announcement #2

This is my new favorite song.  Unrelated. –

Announcement #3

I'm in the process of bringing back consulting seshes, and revamping copywriting offerings to be much more a la carte and—how do I put it—economically pleasing…designed specifically for small biz owners just getting started, so you can boost conversions + make more dollah bills this year.  You guys have given me lots of shit (with love) the last half of the year for withdrawing those services.  I heard you.  Now, they're making a comeback with a big ass cherry on top.  Soon. Lookout.

Announcement #4

There is no announcement #4.  Justttt fucking with you.

There.

That is all.

Sending you all my love, and a big, burly man from Greece to sooth your woes (sorry, fellas),

Ash

Jan 16

2012

How to Fuck Up a Sale in 27 Minutes Flat (But Still Score a Date)

Jan 16, 2012

The Scene: The United States of America. 9:57 am: Walk into L.A. Fitness. 9:58: Meet stunningly fit individual named Alberto. 10:00: Decide there is some fucked up pheromones wandering around body that insist on me + Latino men. 10:01: Wonder if Alberto’s name really is Alberto. Consider how unsexy it would be to call him […]

In: Online Marketing

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Dec 11

2011

Why You SHOULD Sweat the Small Stuff. (Free Puma Included.)

Dec 11, 2011

Yesterday, I was certain I was going to die.  Not just on one occasion, but two. The first instance was when I agreed to ride an ancient, rusty, rickety, RIDICULOUS ski lift up the side of a volcano. Vollll. Caaaaa. Noooo. Obviously that’s what you do when you’re in Patagonia with a group of friends–ride […]

In: Online Marketing

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Oct 19

2018

Make 50% of the Population Hate You

Oct 19, 2018

“Make 50% of the population hate you.” My editor reminded me of this the other day when we were talking about the main argument of my book. (And then I immediately wanted to tongue her.) Because that’s what arguments do, after all: they stand in opposition to something. They take a stand, plant their flag, […]

In: Online Marketing

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Jul 14

2011

Paris, Wankers + Marketing for Local Business Owners

Jul 14, 2011

So, I’m on a plane. I may or may not be drinking French wine from a miniature bottle that could really be bigger for seven dollars, but I mean, who’s really measuring? Don’t judge. I figure that between having never tried cigarettes, and having stuck up for the nerdy girl that one time in the […]

In: Online Marketing

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May 13

2011

The Definitive, Step-By-Step Guide to Getting Off Your Butt, Finding Some Focus, And Jump-Starting Your Biz…So You Can Stop Feeling Like an Procrastinating Asshole (And Start Making Some Cashola)

May 13, 2011

Sometimes I make bad decisions. The time I decided to consume alcohol while on a date while ON CRUTCHES  was one of those times. (Thanks for not even trying to catch me as my metal crutches went flying, Bob, you scumbag.)– But then there are other times, when my decision-making skills operate at peak performance. […]

In: Online Marketing

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Nov 17

2017

Read This if You Need Eyeballs On Your Stuff But Have NO EFFING IDEA HOW TO GET ANYONE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU SO HELP YOU VODKA.

Nov 17, 2017

I just got done doing a live video sesh with my Unf*ckwithable Girlfriends, and one author got on and was telling us that she’d recently attended a comic convention where her ideal target market was hanging out, making it much easier for her to sell her books—as opposed to getting on the giant black hole […]

In: Online Marketing

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Jul 6

2017

We Don’t Sell Those

Jul 6, 2017

There is a rose company, here in the UK, that doesn’t give a fuck that they don’t sell daisies. It’s delightfully refreshing, in fact. There are no apologies about it; no wishy washiness; no trying to cover all the bases. Just this base is fine, thanks. Notice the quiet confidence it exudes? I’m also betting […]

In: Online Marketing

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Jan 22

2013

Why Your Clients Should Never Have to “Think About It”

Jan 22, 2013

READ THIS FIRST. People are moving so fast now that they don’t have time to think. They’re scanning, swiping, clicking, liking, tweeting and moving on at full velocity. They’re making decisions based on feelings, not facts. They are often choosing not because of what they think, but because of how something makes them feel. What […]

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Jul 27

2011

Get More Clients + Customers: The One Step You Absolutely, Under No Circumstance, Aren’t Allowed to Skip. Rahr.

Jul 27, 2011

Remember Monday’s riveting post where I swore less than usual, pretended to be a drunken Spanish sailor and emphasized the importance of getting clients and customers in the door? If you don’t, Ginkgo Biloba comes highly recommended. By herbalists, not me. I tried that shit once and it did absolutely nothing to help me remember […]

In: Online Marketing

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