Unf*ckwithable BOSS | Online Business Development Program

IN: Business 101, Confidence, Creating, Marketing, Money Talk, Selling, Success, Video

*enthusiastic drum roll por favor*  Just kidding. I’d actually like an electronic harp, please. (Obviously superior.) Ladies, gents, and pandas, it is my pleasure to announce that the all-new Unf*ckwithable Boss On Business Development Program is now officially open. If you ever wished that you and I could put our heads together over a bottle of wine, and work together for a series of weeks ing in hard and creating—or overhauling—your on business from start to finish, A-Z, this is for you. As

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How to Stop Writing With a Stick Up Your Ass

IN: Creativity, Marketing, Writing

One of the things I get asked about forty hundred times a day (besides whether or not I know there’s a hair sprouting from my chin) is this: Because apparently I’m known for walking the between mental inspiration and mental institution—as every writer worth their weight should. But here’s what I hear every time someone asks me that question: “I’m not as boring a boob as I seem, but from all those years in corporate America / Catholic school /

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What if My Customers Aren’t All the Same? How Do I Appeal to Multiple Targets? It’s called Positioning (And for Once I’m Not Talking About the Kama Sutra)

IN: Marketing, Writing

SELLING YOUR STUFF TO OTHER HUMANS IS HARD. (Caps required.) It’s hard for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is because nobody really knows what to say. We’re all filled with a million different ugly little self-doubts floating around our nervous little brains. What should the head say? Do I emphasize this feature or that one? What’s going to really ho ’em? Will they think the price is too high? Most people who have a business,

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Take an Online Writing Class With Me This Week…On Demand!

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

You know why we write words? Because the right ones change things. The right ones carjack hearts. Move people. Make sales. Grow businesses. And change people’s lives—including your own. The wrong ones, on the other hand, cock block all of that. (And by “cock block,” I mean prevent, deny, thwart, retard, hamper, hinder and hex the hell out of your efforts…just in case that wasn’t abundantly clear.) Because when it comes to YOUR words – your website copy / your

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“But How The $&%* Do I EXPLAIN What I’m Selling?”

IN: Marketing, Writing

You know how when you go to talk about something you’re selling (a class, a product, an idea…) and you’re all, “BUT HOW DO I EXPLAIN THAT?” Things are always so much easier to understand in your head, aren’t they? After all, YOU know what you’re selling. YOU know how great it is. YOU know that X, Y and Z works. So, why is it so hard to talk about? The first reason is because words are hard, yo. They

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Please, I Beg You, Get a Niche. (No Matter Which Way You Pronounce That Irritating Word.)

IN: Marketing

Most annoying word ever: Niche. Come on, say it with me now. Nicheeeeeeeee. Oh wait, what’s that? You don’t know if it’s pronounced NIT-ch like an angry German or NEE-sh like a snobby Frenchman? That’s ay, neither does anybody else. DON’T LET THEM FOOL YOU. Kind of like how nobody actually knows how to pronounce GIF any. What in the mother loving christ? What in the world is happening here? Then again, I suppose a population of people who spend

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The Real Trick to Brilliant Writing

IN: Marketing, Writing

You know what makes for brilliant writing? Not what you say, but the way you say it. The execution. The way you jockey your message onto a page. There are 354 different ways to tell any story. (Exact figure, give or take a few thousand or so.) You can start at the beginning, or you can start at the end. You can speak from your perspective, or you can speak from theirs. You can write long, detailed sausage-stuffed paragraphs, or

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Turns Out, You *Can’t* Do it All—So How Do You Pick?

IN: Marketing

You know who’s funny? People who try to do everything. Talk about a dysfunctional relationship with time. Contrary to popular opinion, time is not always there for you when you need it. Yet, then you are all cute, telling yourself you’ll just “fit it in”—whatever “it” might be that day. Why does everyone think they’ll fit it in? Nobody ever fits it in. You know what you fit in? About two or three things a day, max. That’s it. That’s the limit. Even

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How to Market an Unsexy Product, Become #1 On TripAdvisor & Quadruple Your Profits

IN: Marketing

I hate fish. Don’t eat it. Don’t like it. And definitely don’t want to smell like it. This is why I never understood why the fish gods picked ME to get even with. Because they did, those fish gods. They wanted a human to torture, and they picked this one. The girl who would never hurt a fly fish. They cursed me, alright. It all started in 1994 when my dad forced me to put on a giant pair of

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How to Sell a $250,000 Diamond Ring

IN: Marketing, Selling

You know how when you want to sound professional on the phone, you do that thing where you clear your throat, steady your voice, and then inevitably start talking THREE OCTAVES HIGHER in that sickening sweet, Southern-Belle-esque manner, almost as if you were speaking to a priest, or maybe the sheriff, all while using words like “extrapolated” and “decisive” and pacing around your living room hoping they have no idea you actually just had wine and DOES HAVING WINE IN THE

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Moron Shoes With Holes In Them: What Makes Somebody Buy Something…Or Not?

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

You know those little moron shoes with the holes in them? Those plastic clog loing things that lo like the most repulsive foot trend known to man? I’ve always been shocked those shoes gained any footing in the marketplace. *Insert shit-eating grin* But, really. If you’re spending good money to put this neon green bucket on your foot, for example, they must be doing something right. (Though I have a very hard time believing this trend would have ever caught

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SWEATY ARMPIT ALERT: 67% of the people that were about to give you money…don’t.

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

Ever think you’ve got Alzheimer’s, or am I the only asshole running around forgetting the word “lollipop?” Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than forgetting the word “lollipop” in front of a stranger. It’s not like it’s some academic word one could be forgiven for forgetting, like idiosyncrasy—which I feel like is forgivable. I mean, nobody’s running around saying that word five times a day. But when you’re in the middle of a riveting conversation about the United States

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One word might be costing you thousands of dollars. What is it?

IN: Marketing, Writing

“What do you own?” he asked her. “I own lots of things,” she replied, before going on to stumble through a list: Her car, her favorite Gucci purse, a timeshare in Mexico, her 300,000 count Egyptian cotton bedsheets. “No you don’t,” he said calmly. “Yes I–” she started. “You don’t own any of those things, because someday, all those things will be gone,” he said. She squirmed in her seat. “The only thing you own,” he said, “is the one thing

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You’re always going to have fifty million things to do—PLUS that asshole’s bar mitzvah.

IN: Business 101, Marketing, Selling, Writing

There’s a lot of pressure these days to be perfect. (Says the girl carrying thirty extra pounds and a dysfunctional pouty face.) As someone who used to be very all-or-nothing, over the years I’ve had to make some major peace with the fact that all-or-nothing is a gigantic, sweaty faced fool’s errand. :: How many times have you thought about getting a new website, but don’t…because you’ll “wait until you’ve got money to really get all the bells and whistles?” :: How many times

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Hey, Business Owners! Please Note. You Cannot Outsource Your Bowel Movements.

IN: Business 101, Marketing

You know how you get good at stuff? You give a shit. You give a shit some . And you give so much of a shit, that soon, your clients give a shit about you, too. You become an indispensable part of someone’s business or life. You think of the details some other jackal missed. You do things without being asked. You stay two steps ahead of your clients. You make them better for working with you. You make them smarter by working

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You Can’t Sell Tickets to The Titanic if You’re Marketing it as a Rowboat

IN: Marketing

Listen up, business owners: Like it or not, people do judge a bo by its cover. And that cover happens to include the words on the front. And those words will make all the difference. Even something as simple as the way you advertise your services. There’s a palpable difference between the words, “hire me” versus “engagement fees.” There’s a difference between “buy now” and “apply now.” (Even though those “apply now” snobs drive me insane.) And there’s a difference between, “Cost: $5,000” and “Cost: $1,000

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Clear vs Clever Copywriting is a Big, Fat, Bloated Myth (And a Scapegoat for Subpar Writers)

IN: Marketing, Writing

I’m a very dirty writer. Not but dirty in the way that I put sentences, thoughts, ideas together. My process is wild. Sexy. Free. Undomesticated. And while I wish the reason were because I’m just such a clay-faced, crochet-bra-top-wearing, sun-worshipping bohemian soul (I am laughably not), rather, it’s because I know something you don’t know about the written word: It’s only as brilliant as its process. If your process is tame, commonplace, average, pedestrian…then the output of your efforts will reflect

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Repeat After Me: You Are Not Your Buyer

IN: Marketing, Selling, Writing

It’s two days before the new year, and I’m doing exactly what you are: Dicking around on the internet and calling it “downtime.” It’s absolutely PHENOMENAL. But, as we all prepare to become supermo there is one thing I want to encourage you to do, right here, right now, before you slug the last of the egg nog and run around with streamers on your head. And that is to listen up. Maybe you’ve been preparing for a big launch in

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Your Attention Span Is Less Than That of a Bloody GOLDFISH (And So Is Your Customer’s)

IN: Marketing, Writing

I remember my exact thought the first time I ever saw a sales letter: What a crock. I was working with an outside marketing consultant who was brought on board to work one-on-one with me on a long-term campaign designed to expand the company from one location to three over the course of an aggressively short period of time. We performed all sorts of fancy SWOT analyses, re-envisioned the company’s core messaging, devised our plan of attack, and began rolling

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So, People Suck at Talking to Each Other

IN: Marketing

People suck at talking to each other. I’ve thought about this post for days now, and turns out? That’s my grand epiphany. My big, profound opening . As a professional communicator & copywriter, trained linguist, PR expert and author of that filthy blog, “The Middle Finger Project” (my hooligan credentials), I get paid to say the right thing. (Come to think of it, men should really hire me to ghostwrite their apologies.) While I may be skilled than the

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If You’re Not Dangerous, Get Out.

IN: Marketing

If you’re not dangerous, we don’t want to work with you. You might have the qualifications. Hell, you might have gone to Harvard. Maybe you’re perfectly competent. Step it up. Competence doesn’t demand that anyone notice you, wonder about you, or care about you.  Nobody ever won an award for hitting a dead on time. We want to work with people who are feared. People who are It’s easy to be d; all you have to do is kiss the right ass.

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Just The Tip: Is It Annoying to Buy From You?

IN: Marketing

Everybody s shopping, right? (Except maybe Ben Stein—imagine that guy in Kohl’s, or worse, going down a water slide. Two words: man thong.) You know who else s shopping? The people who are loing for your services and products. There’s nothing like the high of thinking that you found it—the perfect photographer // vintage purse // writer // statement necklace // country dance studio.  Okay, maybe not country dance studio, but in any case, when any of us

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It’s Never About What You’re Selling. And Always About What They’re Buying. There’s a Difference.

IN: Marketing

Anytime I’ve seen a man in khaki, I’ve thought horrible things about his package. Maybe because they remind me of grandfathers. Or maybe because they remind me of Mr. Rogers. Either way, no female has ever wanted her boy friend to lo like a boy scout. Khaki spells uptight. Conservative. Narrow-minded. Bourgeois. Which is why I was startled by how much I liked him. He came whirling out of Hall’s Chophouse, a restaurant on King’s Street in Charleston, South Carolina, where

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Your Marketing Isn’t Working Because It’s an Arrogant, Selfish Blowhard.

IN: Marketing

If you feel like no one’s paying attention to you, go hang out at any sports stadium. Because if you go to the stadium, you’ll know what it’s like to be smashed up against 100,000 assholes in blue face paint chanting olé! olé! olé! olé! And you’ll instantly know what the main attraction is. Not the game. The experience of being at the game. And with that experience comes my favorite person of all: The beer guy. As soon as you sit down, you’re

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The Devil Isn’t In The Details. Your Next Dollar Is.

IN: Marketing

I was seated in the exit row. And when you’re seated in the exit row, you’re obligated to at least pretend to pay attention to the flight safety video, as 300 other people glance over at you and think, “Great. So that’s the dingle berry in charge of our lives.” I didn’t want to watch it, though. Not because safety isn’t important (insert Smey the Bear infomercial here), but because I’ve seen the safety video enough times that I practically

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Are You Peeing In The Sea of Sameness?

IN: Marketing

I was disgusted. She was the 11th person to pass by trying to peddle the same exact selection of sunglasses that ten other people had peddled just seconds before. “Senorita?” she said, tapping me on the shoulder from behind my table once . I ignored her once . She circled around me in case I wasn’t hearing her. I forced myself to calmly keep eating my filet, eyes fixed straightforward, as if she were invisible. She tried once again to get my

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What You Say Is More Important Than What You Sell

IN: Marketing

What you say is important than what you sell.  Creativity is not a child’s luxury; it’s a smart business strategy. If you’re wondering whether creativity is a waste of time; if you’re convinced that  “your product / service / website will speak for itself,” then think twice: Because creativity, as it’s usually defined, is about making a statement. But creativity in business is about making a statement that gets you what you want. Notice the difference. It’s important to

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