Butt Paste–And How It’ll Help You Market Yourself Better.

Last night, I bought three tubes of something called Butt Paste.

You're probably thinking the same thing that the 19 year old male cashier was. Try making that transaction with a straight face.

But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, after all.

And this girl is headed to The Bahamas tomorrow with global travel mistress Kyle Hepp. Not on vacation–both of us will be working–but still, it's The Bahamas. And it's hot in the Bahamas. (It better be hot.) And as every woman who's ever worn a sundress in 90-degree humidity knows, WALKING IN A SUNDRESS IS A BAD IDEA.

Legs start rubbing together, and then…it's…all…over.

Which, of course, brings us full circle to the Butt Paste. Last night, Kyle and I innocently entered a Walgreens in search of non-chafing cream, hoping to fool an entire island-full of men that, no, our legs do not actually rub together!

Unfortunately, however, they were fresh out. As to be expected–do you know how many rash-fearing women there are in Miami???

But that didn't stop the pharmacist from enthusiastically encouraging us to visit the baby aisle, instead, because apparently, DIAPER RASH CREAM WORKS JUST AS WELL.

These are the secrets of the world that I've been waiting for.-

And clearly, when one is in a position to select a product they've never had to purchase, packaging is everything.

(You knew there was a marketing lesson in here somewhere, right?)

The other diaper rash creams were so…baby-esque with their pinks and their blues and their sketches of giggling 3 month olds drooling all over their rattles. Butt Paste, on the other hand, IS CALLED BUTT PASTE, and comes in a lime green tube. I figured that when faced with a decision on whether you want everyone who snoops through your suitcase to think you've got a baby, or a bad case of hemorrhoids, it's probably safer to go with the latter. After all, babies scare hot men off way faster than butts do.

I've talked about this in the past–not Butt Paste, shockingly, but how we, as humans, make buying decisions. And while this is an exaggerated example, the point remains: When making a purchasing decision, we will always pick the one that reaffirms our identity, and aligns most with our perception of ourselves.

That said, it should only follow that if you're a seller?

You better be aligning every single move you make–from your packaging to your message to every last word you write–with the desired identities of your target audience.

Because when there's a disconnect there…there's going to be a disconnect in sales, too.

Because they'll be going with your competitor.

…Even when your competitor is inferior.

And that's why marketing is so damn important.

Don't think of it as an icky chore; think of it as a matchmaking game–one where your sole job is to do whatever you can to attract your soul mates.

Apparently, the makers of Butt Paste totally saw me comin'.

P.S. Kyle says that even Britney Spears' thighs in her Toxic days still rubbed together. I can't tell if this makes me feel better or worse.



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