ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

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You Can’t Sell a $50 Steak to Someone Who’s There for a $2 Enchilada

In: Online Marketing

So the other day I'm eating a giant meat kabob (not a euphemism) at a restaurant in Central America, when the manager— a dear friend whom I happen to know have gotten drunk with in my twenties—came over to jingle all the bells (also not a euphemism), talk shop, and send me off with a proper bottle of wine to go.

This place that I speak of: it's an Argentine grill. As in, open flames, actual cow carcasses, vegetables the size of your clavicle, and lots of moody lighting. (I love moody lighting. Makes my boobs MUCH less saggy.)

The reason this is important to know is because of what followed—because what followed was a rant. And there's nothing better than a good rant, am I right? The rant was not mine (you're safe for now, customer service people at Showit.co)  but that of my manager friend. His beef? (I'M SORRY I'LL PUT MYSELF IN THE CORNER NOW.) Someone new was brought in to help grow the restaurant, and their very first move: add 2×1 margaritas and $2 enchiladas and lots of cheesy nachos and put it all on a chalkboard on the sidewalk to get people in the door. Ándale!

This infuriated my friend, not because he is anti-enchilada (the mere suggestion), but because he understood something very clearly that they did not:

 

You can't sell a $50 steak to someone who's there for a $2 enchilada.

 

NOT TO MENTION THE ENTIRE THEME OF THE RESTAURANT WAS HIDEOUSLY WRONG. That tomfoolery aside, my friend was right: you have to pick a lane. What you put on the menu inevitably attracts who you seat at the tables. If the restaurant needs to bring in $6,000 a day to hit their target, it ain't happening when you're calling out to a bunch of sweaty two-buck chucks. There's no such thing as a restaurant that serves a bloomin' onion and a superfood smoothie. The people who want the superfood smoothie wouldn't touch the place with a ten-foot seaweed pole—”suspicious”—and the people who want the bloomin' onion would take one look and be all, “DA FUCK?”

There's a lesson to be learned here. Namely, the next time you aren't sure about who you're talking to and who you want as customers, ask yourself if you are a heap of deep-fried onions or some runny artichoke anus. And then choose. Pick one. Don't try to walk that line. Bad things happen when you go multiple personality. Think of yourself as a restaurant: are you going to be Long John Silver's or Legal Sea Foods?

It feels wrong, picking a lane. It feels bad to intentionally leave people out. With everything we do, we try to be as inclusive as possible. But when it comes to helping people decide where to eat, you have to be willing to say: “You won't like this. This is not for you.”

And if that ain't service, I don't know what is.

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Remember that one time every single day when I talked about how giving your business a personality will help you earn trust, differentiate yourself, and sell more to the right people? (As long as you don’t own a funeral home. That could be a tricky one.) Well guess what? It’s your lucky day because…I’m going […]

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How to Get People to Pay You More With Just ONE WORD.

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His name was Joe. Rightfully so, because Joe was in charge of customer service at the Honda Dealer in good ol’ Scranton, Pennsylvania. And, I don’t know, I just trust men named Joe. I mean, you don’t want some jerkoff named Tucker invoicing you, do you? You’d leave and there’d be a doodle of a […]

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So last week you met Paolo. You’re welcome. If you didn’t meet Paolo last week, you need to read that before you read this. If you don’t, you run the risk of having me track you down and fling spicy Peruvian chicken sauce in your eye. Yes, it exists—I’m dipping my bread in it as […]

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2012

Is This Simple Thing Preventing You From Getting More Clients?

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So once upon a time I dated a guy with lots of tattoos who worshiped his mom. Wait. Wait a minute. That has nothing to do with the story. Rewind. Back up. Let’s start again. *clears throat*– Once upon a time, my official job title was “Director of Business Development.” There. That’s better. Right story. […]

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2012

Call Your Fucking Tribe. (Quickie Friday Piece of Ass)

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For my WRITERS–at heart, by trade, or in their wildest, rowdiest, wettest dreams. Because it’s Friday. And this short video will be the most important thing you do all day. (You can’t fool me – I know nobody’s really working.) This is why I do what I do as a copywriter. This is why the […]

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2014

It’s Never About What You’re Selling. And Always About What They’re Buying. There’s a Difference.

Jun 25, 2014

Anytime I’ve seen a man in khaki, I’ve thought horrible things about his package. Maybe because they remind me of grandfathers. Or maybe because they remind me of Mr. Rogers. Either way, no female has ever wanted her boy friend to look like a boy scout. Khaki spells uptight. Conservative. Narrow-minded. Bourgeois. Which is why I […]

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I'm a Bad Influence on Women

Hey, I’m Ash! Twenty years ago I was a small town girl growing up in a trailer park in rural Pennsylvania. Fifteen years ago, I lost my family and everything I knew right as I became the first to graduate college. Fourteen years ago, I found myself leaving everything behind for a new life in the city where I could be “normal.” Ten years ago I realized normal was the most disappointing thing that ever happened to me. Nine years ago I quit my job in advertising and pursued my dreams as a creative writer. Eight years ago, I built a 6-figure business doing what I love using nothing more than the Internet and my voice. And now, today, I’m the founder of The Middle Finger Project, an irreverent media co. that helps other women find their voice and teaches them to use it to build whatever the f*ck they want to. With a book coming out with Penguin Random House in February 2020 (YASSS, WE’RE A PRODUCT IN TARGET!) I’m proud to be a bad influence on women and guide them into doing something disobediently brave with their life and their career.

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