ASH AMBIRGE

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“Will You Get Off My NUTS?!” And Other Things People Are NOT Thinking About You When You Market to Them

In: Online Marketing

Repeat after me:

You are not a bother.
You are not a bother.
You are not a bother.
You are not a bother.
You are not a bother.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTHER.

You're doing me a favor by being there. You're doing all of us a favor by bringing your work into the world.

But god dammit, if you leave me out—if you do not tell me about all of the ways that you can help me, and if you keep your work hidden from me, and if you decline to show me just how much better my life could be, then I should think you trying to do me harm. There's nothing like being left intentionally left out, and that is what you are doing to your customers by not marketing to them. You are depriving me of something I need—and yeah, I'm pretty bummed.

If the cure for cancer existed, but the doctors didn't tell you about it because they didn't want to seem pushy, would you be relieved, or?

Marketing, when done correctly, is not about coercion: it's about matching. You need, I have. Which is why it's paramount that you figure out who the people are who need you. Not about the people who *could* give you money (there are plenty of those dick nuggets), but the people who really, really need and want and would friggin' JUMP UP AND DOWN to find out about you.

Marketing is a good deed, y'all. It will make the right people excited. How's that for a reframe?

By the way, if you are someone who is struggling with a fear of selling yourself, christ on a stick, go buy this book. Or, hey, listen to it while you send your morning fax! (My favorite euphemism.) It's called, “This is Marketing,” and you will highlight every other fucking line. You will lick the front of your Kindle. You will put this book down your pants just to have it with you at all times. (It's that good. No wonder I was getting awkward looks yesterday.)

When you market, you aren't hoping to sell anyone: you're hoping to change their life for the better. Money, in all her glory, just happens to be the happy by-product of that.

Sep 10

2018

Know Who Your Haters Are

Tiffany’s doesn’t try to sell diamonds to a sixteen-year-old girl. Nor are they offended, nor worried, when teens aren’t flocking to their stores. Tiffany’s knows that sixteen-year-old girls most definitely aren’t their market. And I also imagine that, were a sixteen-year-old girl to proclaim that Tiffany’s sucks absolute DONKEY BALLS, they wouldn’t take it to […]

In: Online Marketing

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Jun 27

2017

Looks Aren’t Superficial When It Comes to Making Money

So I buy these B12 supplements the other day—BECAUSE APPARENTLY MY BODY IS ALL, OH, VITAMIN B, HAHA, THAT’S CUTE—and it comes in this sturdy little bottle that feels very important, and I’m all excited because obviously I think that I’m doing a good deed slash being a responsible adult. So I go to open […]

In: Online Marketing

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Nov 17

2017

Read This if You Need Eyeballs On Your Stuff But Have NO EFFING IDEA HOW TO GET ANYONE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU SO HELP YOU VODKA.

I just got done doing a live video sesh with my Unf*ckwithable Girlfriends, and one author got on and was telling us that she’d recently attended a comic convention where her ideal target market was hanging out, making it much easier for her to sell her books—as opposed to getting on the giant black hole […]

In: Online Marketing

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Jun 11

2014

The Devil Isn’t In The Details. Your Next Dollar Is.

I was seated in the exit row. And when you’re seated in the exit row, you’re obligated to at least pretend to pay attention to the flight safety video, as 300 other people glance over at you and think, “Great. So that’s the dingle berry in charge of our lives.” I didn’t want to watch […]

In: Online Marketing

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Jan 27

2015

You Can’t Sell Tickets to The Titanic if You’re Marketing it as a Rowboat

Like it or not, people do judge a book by its cover. And that cover happens to include the words on the front. There’s a palpable difference between the words, “hire me” versus “engagement fees.” There’s also a difference between “buy now” and “apply now.” (Even though those “apply now” snobs drive me insane.) And there’s a difference between, “Cost: […]

In: Online Marketing

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